Well, we'll just continue now from where we left off on Saturday night. Let's start with Numbers 25, 26, 27, 28, 29 and 30:
25: Red Cap: "Perhaps the most wicked of all evil fairies, Redcap is a little old ugly man with fiery eyes, bad dental work and long fingernails. He lives alone in old castle towers were evil deeds once took place. Wearing iron boots and a rust-colored cap, Redcap stalks the countryside, attacking unfortunate travellers (he's especially fond of redheads and rednecks)! After killing them, he dips his cap in their blood, turning it a bright red color. You can scare Redcap away with a cross. When he sees this, he will let out a loud scream and run away, leaving behind one of his long sharp teeth."
Why in the world should he leave behind one of his teeth, that's what I want to know. It doesn't seem to make any sense at all. Also, if he dips his cap in his victims' blood, it turns red. I must confess, this makes sense. But it should then stay red, am I correct? So he doesn't really need to dip his cap in the blood again, does he? Hmmm? And I'm not even going to mention the sad attempts at puns about redheads and rednecks, although I must confess that I rather like redheads, Willow being one and all. But the less we associate Willow with this miserable monster, the better, really.
26: Medusa: "The monster Medusa once led a charmed life as a beautiful woman with golden blonde hair (she was Miss Greece of 1991 B.C.). One day she betrayed the goddess, Athena, who then changed Medusa into a hideous creature. Her golden locks were replaced with slithering, poisonous snakes. her hands were turned to bronze and frozen in the shape of a vulture's talons. And worst of all, any man she looked at would be turned to stone! Understandably, her social life went downhill fast, and she left to live in a remote cave. She has since created many of the world's finest statues by simply giving famous people the "evil eye!""
Well, apart from the Miss Greece of 1991 B.C. bit, this is actually a fairly accurate version of the Medusa myth (admittedly omitting the bit where she gets killed, but you can't have it all). I'm willing to leave this particular monster alone on those grounds.
27: Goblin: "The Goblin is the meanest, sneakiest, and ugliest of all the fairy creatures. He stays away from the sun, choosing to live in caves, abandoned mines, and sometimes in sewers (Sewers?...Cowabunga!). These evil little beasts will often appear in disguise as a hideous bird, a dog with wings, or a big furry cat that will let out a blood curdling scream if you stretch out your hand to pet it. Goblins possess great strength. Their favorite food is "turtles on the half-shell!" They are known to steal from young maidens, who are forced to raise the young goblins and as to serve as dancing partners for these monsters. Their favorite dance...the "Monster Mash!""
The bits about turtles should be ignored. Goblins have absolutely nothing to do with the Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles, which the person who wrote the description is obviously gibbering on about. The baddies in the Turtles were Shredder, Bebop, Rocksteady and Krang, not goblins. I don't get the joke about the Monster Mash, however, so I'll ignore it.
28: Cerebus: "Talk about the ultimate guard dog! Cerebus stands at the gates of Hades to greet the evil souls ferried by Charon [#42]. This sinister monster has three heads, sharp claws, the tail of a dragon and sports a collar made from poisonous snakes! He can thank his mother (part serpent, part woman) and his father ( a dragon-headed giant) for his "good looks" and "charming personality." Cerebus does not live on Puppy Chow® alone, as he will eat anyone who tries to escape from Hades. However he will let you go free if you give him a piece of cake. His favorite?...Devil's Food, of course!"
I would be willing to bet that Cerberus doesn't live on Puppy Chow at all. In fact, I am somewhat sceptical as to whether he even lives on anything. Personally, I don't think he exists. I think he was made up. Also, the person who wrote the description quite clearly can't spell 'Cerberus', preferring the entirely more stupid 'Cerebus'. Duh!
29: Zombie: "Dead person who has been re-animated. Used as a weapon, he can't be killed....unless with the holy toaster."
... I don't even pretend to understand that.
30: Chimera: "The origins of this strange and ferocious monster remain a mystery. The Chimera has the head of a lion, a poisonous snake for a tail and a goat's head rising up from its back. This female monster's multi-headed appearance is easily understood, considering her brother is Cerebus [28] and her mother is Hydra [#2] (and you thought your family was strange!) The Chimera not only looks mean, but breathes a stream of fire that will roast more than your marshmallows! Viciously attacking anyone who comes near her, the Chimera can be slain by throwing a lead-tipped spear into her mouth. The Chimera's fiery breath will melt the lead, completely burning her insides."
Well, if its origins are a mystery, how do they know who its brother and mother are? Also, I would contest the suggestion that the Chimera looks mean. The word I would use is stupid. Plus, I don’t think my family is strange. Well, not all of them, anyway.
Now for some pictures:
31: Ghost: "The spirit of a person who died too soon or a person who could not travel into the next plane. They scare the living as revenge of their death. Can be harmful or can be a onlooker of what their life once was."
Well, it's actually a moderately good description of what a Ghost is, so I'm okay with ignoring this one.
32: Ogre: "The Ogre is a giant, flesh-eating monster. He hunts down his victims using a large club and quickly devours them using his sharp teeth. The Ogre has been known to eat 15 men in one sitting! He's big, he's ugly, he's mean, he's deadly - but he's incredibly stupid! That's right, this guy's dumber than a fencepost! If you're ever out alone in the forest and come upon a hungry Ogre, tell him that you're a long lost relative from Oslo (Ogres don't eat relatives), or that you're Santa Claus and you came to get his Christmas List (nobody would hurt Santa). Chances are he'll believe you!"
I wish I could say the same for this. Sadly, the description really is painting a terribly pathetic picture. The offered solution for meeting Ogres would perhaps be good if you looked either remotely like one of his relatives or Santa Claus, which I'm sure you don't, unless you are Santa Claus, in which case I should like lots of Buffy things for Christmas, please. Moving back to the subject, I think the Ogre isn't really that stupid and will merely be insulted if you attempt to pull such a transparent deception, and then he'll be so cross he'll eat you.
33: Vampire: "One of the more famous monsters (having appeared in several movies), the Vampire is a creature who exists somewhere between the living and the dead. By day, he rests peacefully in his coffin. By night he is transformed into a blood thirsty monster. He usually appears in his designer outfit with matching cape, but will sometimes disguise himself as a bat or a wolf when he sneaks into his victim's bedroom - usually that of a beautiful young woman - and with his long sharp fangs, gently bites her in the neck and sucks her blood. To scare a vampire off, you must use a cross, garlic or a slice of pepperoni pizza with anchovies!"
Stop it! Stop it! They're trivialising vampires! Vampires aren't that silly! They aren't stopped by pizza! That would just be stupid! Most of them can't transform into bats or wolves either, and they don't rest during the day. They don't have capes, they have full length leather coats. So now we've got that sorted, we can move on to the next monster. Honestly, don't these people know anything about vampires?
-34: Roc: "At about the same size of a passenger airplane, the Roc is the largest of the flying monsters. It preys on elephants, taking them from the jungles (and zoos) and carrying them off to the mountains where they are fed to their young, ("roc-ettes"). The eggs of the Roc are huge and highly prized. When eaten, these eggs will magically restore youth to the elderly. However, the Roc is very protective of her nest eggs, and will viciously attack any intruding armies or ships, dropping huge boulders, like bombs from the sky. Some Rocs can be tamed with music, and even ridden like a flying horse. Their favorite music?...."Roc" and roll, of course!"
Ho ho ho. A real laugh riot, that last pun. The rest of it isn't particularly silly, or at least badly written, unfortunately. I so love insulting it when it's terrible, like that one about the Ogre, for example. But this is so written it could be out of a textbook. Where is the fun in that?
35: Gremlin: "Surprisingly enough, these impish monsters are responsible for many of the great technological developments earlier in this century. However, since they never received any credit for this, they have dedicated themselves to making people's lives miserable - especially airplane pilots. Gremlins love to fly, but since they have no wings they will sneak aboard airplanes and create mischief. This includes changing the plane's direction, breaking the radio, causing turbulence, overbooking flights and drinking the fuel. (They are so fond of gasoline, they are known to vacation at major oil spills!) So next time you're aboard an airplane and it starts to get a little bumpy - make sure you are sitting in the "No Gremlin" section!"
I don't think Gremlins were even remotely responsible for the technological developments earlier in this century (presumably that means last century, but you can't really fault a document for being old. You can, however, fault it for being numerous other things, not least silly). I think Gremlins were made up so they would take the blame for anything that goes wrong. Sorry to burst the bubble, but it had to be done. You'll thank me for it one day.
36: Vampiress: "As a result of strong Bloodlines with male Vampire [#33], the Vampiress depends on a constant supply of unsuspecting "blood donors" to preserve her eternal youth. Sometimes disguised as a bat, black cat or bloodhound, she prowls the night in search of her next victim, using her sharp fangs to pump their plasma! The Vampiress is a striking creature with her red eyes, matching dress and long sharp fingernails, which are also red - painted from her victim's blood. The only safe place to see this brutal, bloodsucking brunette is in front of your TV - as she often moonlights as a hostess on the late night "Creature Feature!"
Is there such a programme as the "Creature Feature"? I wouldn't be surprised if there wasn't, but I'll give them the benefit of the doubt. On the other hand, the description's writer still hasn't learnt what a vampire really is. There is no term 'Vampiress'. It's not a real word. Female vampires are just that. And they can't turn into bats or other animals either.
37: Ghoul: "One of the more gruesome monsters, The Ghoul is somewhat of a cross between a Vampire [#33] and a ghost [#31]. These pale, glassy-eyed creatures hang out around cemeteries, robbing graves at night and feasting on dead bodies (the fresher - the better!) Ghouls have been known to to also eat the living when no corpses can be found, and are especially fond of children. They are every sneaky and have the ability to become invisible when they stand still. Fortunately, because of this unique diet of cold cuts, you can smell their breathe a mile away! Actually, most Ghouls are really quite lonely and won't harm you if you offer to play with them - certainly you've heard the saying "Ghouls just want to have fun!"
It was succeeding in being quite scary (I was shaking in my shoes) right up until the last line, when the whole effect was just spoilt. "Ghouls just want to have fun!" indeed. I never heard of anything more ridiculous. And the saying on which this little pun is based - "girls just want to have fun" - isn't true either. Or, at least, they never want to have fun with me, which is what counts. Sorry, that probably sounded quite lonely and sad. Let's move on.
38: The Phantom: "A hideous looking creature, the Phantom has the appearance of a living skeleton. As a child, this monster was so ugly that his own mother put a bag over his head so she wouldn't have to look at him! He got the hint, bought a mask, and left home to pursue a career in show business. He ended up living in the dark caverns beneath the old Paris Opera House, where after years of isolation and rejection (not to mention all the opera solos) he was finally driven insane. This caped creature who enjoyed his privacy, and strangled people who bothered him. He was also fond of dropping chandeliers on the audience when things got too noisy. The Phantom has since left Paris to terrorize other theatres - like the movie theatres!"
Well, this story is sad proof of John Bowlby's psychological theory: maternal deprivation leads to affectionless psychopathy. I think we'll all agree that the Phantom is a psychopath, yes? He strangles people who bother him and drops chandeliers on audiences. Obviously a bit nutty. His mother didn't love him, obviously, because she didn't want to look at him, and just look at the way he turned out. John Bowlby was often wrong, but in the case of the Phantom, I think he was entirely correct. However, I do feel compelled to point out that an ugly person isn't technically a monster.
39: Mad Scientist: "Talk about your split personality - -one minute this guy's prominent, church-going, well mannered, goody-two-shoes doctor named Jekyll, and the next minute he drinks this secret formula and turns into a sleazy low-life named Mr. Hyde. Back and forth, Back and forth, the Mad Scientist would change between Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Finally he runs out of his formula and is stuck forever as the wicked Mr. Hyde. He now frequents the bad parts of town, hangs out with the wrong crowd, and stays out past midnight - breaking every law known to man (and a few man doesn't know about)! As Dr. Jekyll he used to help old ladies across the street, he now tries to run them over!"
Well, yes. Again, this isn't technically a monster, is it? It's another case of a psychological disorder - split personality disorder in this case - but its presence in the Monster in my Pocket series seems a little tenuous.
40: Winged Panther: "This "catbird" is not your ordinary monster. The deadly Winged Panther sports a pair of eagle's wings on his back. This enables him to hide in trees and pounce down upon you from the air. Although he normally limits his victims to unsuspecting sheep and cattle, this beast will not hesitate to attack humans who attempt to steal one of his feathers. For once a feather is removed from his wings, this "plucked plumage" turns into gold! This cat may have nine lives, but you've only got one - are you willing to risk it and put a very valuable feather in you cap?"
Who came up with this one then? Someone who'd had a few too many, I reckon. It's not particularly inventive - "I know, what we'll do, like, we'll get a panther, like, but here's the clever bit, we'll give it wings! And then we'll call it the Winged Panther!" It's just terminally stupid, I'm afraid. No points out of ten for goodness on this monster, sadly.
41: Mummy: "Wrapped in tattered rags, the Mummy was buried alive over 3,700 years ago. His air tight coffin was latter discovered by archaeologists who failed to heed the "do not disturb" sign ... a fatal mistake! This powerful monster brutally strangled those intruders, and now roams the countryside in search of those who buried him thousands of years ago. The Mummy is known to place a deadly curse on anyone who tries to stop him. This bandaged beast cannot be destroyed by guns, knives or even slime! Having the characteristics of a "giant oily rag," the Mummy can be stopped by fire, but will one day rise from his ashes to resume his search for his enemies. "
My mummy's a monster, but that's another story entirely.
42: Charon: "This monster brings new meaning to the words "mass transit." He ferries the souls of the dead across the River Styx to the Underworld. Charon is perfect for this job - he's a grotesque, dirty old man, with bright red eyes and a bad attitude, and rates a big zero on the personality scale. He collects one obolus coin (equivalent to about eight weeks allowance) from each passenger. Those who don't pay are tossed out of the boat and left to haunt the living [ see Ghost #31] . Charon uses these proceeds to buy nice cloths and to maintain his boat - which is appropriately named the Styx Pick-Up!"
Again, though, he's not technically a monster. He's a "grotesque, dirty old man" with attitude and personality problems. I'm sure it was nothing that a good childhood and upbringing wouldn't have solved, though. But there we go. Those who suffer enough in childhood from not being cared for enough are now, it seems, likely to suffer the final indignity of being included in the Monster in my Pocket series. Well, that's the Americans for you.
Last pictures:
43: The Beast: "Once a handsome young prince, The Beast was cursed by an evil fairy who turned him into a frightful creature resembling a two-legged lion. In order to break the spell which will allow him to regain his good looks and return to his kingdom, the Beast must find a beauty who will agree to become his wife. Unfortunately, most women are not interested in marrying someone who has fleas, likes to eat live sheep and snores loudly! this monster wears a cape, and carries a sword which ca be used to turn his enemies into stone. He is often seen loitering around shopping malls, offering roses to eligible women in hope that they will become his queen and transform him from the "King of Beasts" to the "King of his Castle."
Actually, I think he resembles a four legged lion who walks on his hind legs, don't you? And, personally, I've never seen the Beast loitering around the shopping malls near where I live, but perhaps Nottingham just isn't the interesting kind of place that America is. I'm sure the Americans would agree. Possibly quite a lot of the inhabitants of Nottingham would as well.
42: Witch: "The black magic woman possesses super-natural powers given to her by the devil. The witch is famous for casting evil spells on people - bringing them bad luck or turning them into different objects, such as animals, vegetables or minerals! She has the ability to perform incantations which will make objects move or become invisible. This ugly old hag can easily be identified by her birthmark that is hidden under her armpit or in her hair. Her ability to fly through the sky on a broom is also a dead giveaway! If you ever catch a Witch, she can be destroyed by being burned at the stake, or will melt if water is poured over her. However, you might want to grant her one last wish ... a spell on your brother or sister perhaps?"
I bet if you caught a Witch and burnt her at the stake, you'd have a hard time explaining it to your local constabulary. They're unlikely to accept your claims that she had a birthmark under her arm or in her hair as a valid reason for burning somebody.
45: Spring-Heeled Jack: "The original "Jumping Jack Flash," this English monster has always been known to terrorize residents of London by jumping in front of his victims, frightening them half to death, and then disappearing with great leaps and bounds. Spring-Heeled Jack wears a strange shiny suit, shoots blue and white flames from his eyes and will rip his victim's clothes with his sharp claws. He then jumps hundreds of feet into the London fog before anyone can catch him. This evil boogeyman was once cornered high on a church spire where he leapt into the darkness, never to be seen again. Too bad. It turns out he was being chased by a shoe company who wanted him to endorse a new sneaker line "Air Jacks."
Well, that's just silly. Why in the world does he leap about like a madman ripping clothes up? And it's possibly a good time here to clear up a common American misconception about London: it's not usually foggy. It was in Victorian times, maybe. But it's not now.
46: Invisible Man: "After years of study, an eccentric chemist invented a drug which caused him to become invisible. Unfortunately, the drug had some unexpected side effects - like driving the doctor insane! As a crazed invisible monster, he now terrorizes small towns, robbing banks, burning fire stations and sneaking into movies for free! The Invisible Man will brutally murder anyone who gets in his way (which is not hard to do; after all he is Invisible). When he wants to be seen, he wears a heavy overcoat, a large hat and lots of gold jewelry. His face is covered with bandages, a fake nose and dark glasses. But underneath all this he's still the Invisible Man - the ultimate airhead!"
No no no! Again, he's not a monster! They were really scraping the barrel in their attempts to get the number up to 48, weren't they? He may be a crazy murderer, but he's not actually a monster, is he? No. Thank you. And why does he have that weird flat bit on his head?
47: Skeleton: "Although he died nearly 100 years ago, the Skeleton lives today. Tired of being used as worm/maggot food, this beastly bag of bones arose from the ground to menace the ancestors of those who put him to death. The Skeleton's bones are magically joined together with no muscles or skin. He possesses great speed and will not hesitate to pull off one of his arms or legs and use it as a club to attack his enemies. As you can see, this bonehead is not exactly a spineless wimp, (for then he'd be called chicken bones!) He's powerful and scary. You'd better hope he doesn't shake, rattle, and rolling after you!"
Skeletons aren't technically monsters either, though. If they'd called it Animated Skeleton or something of the like, then maybe it would have earned its place in the Monster in my Pocket series. But they didn't, so I'm not even remotely scared by it.
48 Hunchback: " Born with one leg shorter than the other and one eye swollen shut, Hunchback was cruelly abandoned in a church by his parents and raised by a priest. Unfortunately, he grew uglier with age - a large wart appeared over his good eye, his uneven teeth grew over his lip and as a result of not sitting up straight at the dinner table he developed his trademark hunchback. He later became deaf from ringing bells in the cathedral. Not a terribly popular fellow, he was befriended by a gypsy dancer. Sadly, she was executed for a crime she didn't commit. Hunchback murdered her accusers and retreated to the bell tower where he pours hot lead on top of anyone who approaches. (His younger brother turned out to be a great football player - the halfback of Notre Dame)!"
Well, they chose a real cracker to go out on, didn't they? Putting aside the all too frequent problem that this isn't a real monster - it's someone who was mistreated in infancy - they decided to try a pun that didn't work. Halfback of Notre Dame, indeed. I will presume that means American football, but then I don't really care, so there we go. So this 'monster' has one short leg, one swollen eye, has a wart over his other eye, buck teeth, a hunchback and was deaf. Makes you feel sorry for him rather than being afraid.
Right. That's Series 1 done. I'll do Series 2 as soon as I can, but not now, because I'm getting tired so I want to do a shorter article before I go to bed.
Go back to Monster in my Pocket Series 1, Part 1!