The source from which I gained such 'valuable' information on the monsters of Series 1 was regrettably vague on those of Series 2, offering up only, and I quote, "?????????" for every single monster. And while that's very interesting, my comments on such information might get a bit monotonous after a while. I thus had to look further afield for the information which I now present to you. I realise it's briefer than that offered for Series 1, and for that, I apologise, but there wasn't much I could do about it. Sorry.
That really isn't very helpful for those who want to make fun of these comments, is it? There's hardly anything stupid in there at all, apart from the fact that the Dragon isn't afraid of anything. What about the things they use to kill Dragons in books? Like arrows, swords and spears, for example?
50: Jabborwock - English - Flying monster with long claws, huge jaws, and flaming eyes
Apart from the flaming eyes bit, that's fairly evident from the picture, really. I wish these things would tell us something we don't actually know or could guess. The original monster was, however, named Jabberwocky. It would be really good if they could get it right, wouldn't it?
51: Warlock - The master of magic, more powerful than wizards or sorcerers
Ummm ... is not a Warlock, by definition, a wizard or a sorcerer? I'm not really willing to argue this point out, however, since none of these three things exist. Except in Buffy, of course.
52: Ymir - Scandinavian; Frost giant, the first creature in the universe, can freeze anything
In that case, I'd be very willing to see an example of his frozen fire, please. Or, for that matter, his frozen glass. Or his frozen ice cream, but not for the same reason.
Time for some more piccys:
53: Swamp Beast - A horrible humanoid creature that lives in swamps and attacks people
Oh, how interesting. Yawn. Bring on something we can really sink our teeth into, please. The Swamp Beast is obviously a poor substitute for somebody's severe lack of imagination, as as such, isn't worth me talking about. Admittedly, none of this is, and quite why I'm wasting my time on it, I'm not certain.
54: Golem - Jewish; A huge powerful clay man brought to life as a protector against all evil
Oh yes, now this is interesting. Only problem is, he's not really a monster if he's been brought to life to protect against evil, is he? Monsters are by definition evil. Good monsters don't happen, so Golem can't be included.
55: Scorpion Man - Arabian; half-man, half-scorpion, with bow and arrow and a poisonous stinger tail.
On the ludicrous level of Winged Panther in Series 1, this is very stupid. "I know what we'll do, like, we'll get a scorpion and a man, and blend them, and call it Scorpion Man! Wow, how clever I am. I'd better give myself another £1,000,000 pay rise." Attempting to justify it by claiming that it's Arabian doesn't excuse it at all.
56: Loch Ness Monster - Scottish; taunts mankind with glimpses of itself; may be the last living dinosaur on Earth.
Well, that's almost sensible, that is. Or as sensible as claiming the damn thing exists in the first place can be.
57: Tarasque - French; Has a lion’s head, six bear claws, spikes down his back and a viper’s tail.
Okaaaay. And, erm, just why does it have this rather unique blend of characteristics? I don't think it can be explained away by genetics. "Oh, yeah, well, its dad was half-lion, half bear, and its mum was half-viper and half-spiky-thing" doesn't really cut it, does it?
58: Bishop Fish - Gigantic sea creature who can raise storms and capsize boats.
Bishop Fish is perhaps the monster that comes up for the most derision in my family, although Mad Gasser of Mattoon, in Series 3, comes quite close. And, let's be fair, Bishop Fish is a pretty stupid creation. Just look at the picture, for goodness sake. What the hell is it supposed to be, a fish wearing a bishop's hat? Is that where the name comes from?
59: Herne the Hunter - England; England’s most famous ghost, clad in deerskin and a stag’s skull helmet; lives in Windsor Park.
Despite being “England’s most famous ghost”, I’d never heard of him. Herne the Hunter is one of the two monsters of Series' 1, 2 and 3 that I haven't got (the other being Hydra in Series 1 - please email me if you wish to make a donation of either of these two monsters). I always quite liked Herne the Hunter. Or at least I did until my friend Graham cut his horns off. Graham thus ruined three things: a) Herne the Hunter; b) my life; and c) his own chances of ever getting a Christmas card from me again.
60: Ancient Gorgon - Greek; Hideous maiden with snakes for hair, golden wings, bronze claws, and glaring eyes.
Exactly the same idea as Medusa of Series 1, just looks a teensy bit different. It's REALLY not fair trying to fob us off with the same monster twice under a different name. I felt so strongly about this that I nearly wrote and complained, then I realised - even at that early age - how sad it would be, so I didn't.
61: Ectoplasmic Phantom - A spirit in the physical world, who produces the otherworldly ectoplasm to overcome victims.
This one gets a fair bit of insulting in my family as well, which I think is perhaps deserved. It's a rather unimaginative one, although it did inspire me to try to make some 'ectoplasm' of my own. I smeared earwax all over the model and tried to claim that this was ectoplasm. Mother and Father were not amused and insisted that the earwax make its departure. Sadly, it resisted all attempts to wash it off, so the entire figure had to be thrown away.
62: Ganesha - Hindu; Potbellied monster with head of an elephant and the body of a man.
Well, just so long as it is a monster and not a revered god this time, since Matchbox made a mistake in this fashion with their other Hindu 'monster', Kali.
63: Elbow Witch - Algonkian Indian; Very sneaky woman with sharp knives or awls for elbows.
Oh yeah. Let's just think about this one. Take a look at the picture. You shall see that she's bending her arms and the spikes on her elbows point out. All very well while she's clenching her fists above her head, but what happens when she wants to do something slightly more productive? She straightens her arms and what happens to the spikes then, hmm? This is the kind of thing that needs explaining and never is.
64: Minotaur - Greek; Large monster with the head of a bull and the body of a man. Very fast and strong
Not a bad description of this mythological monster, actually. I always liked the Minotaur legend.
Let's have some more pictures now:
65: Merrow - Irish; Sea fairy with a fish tail, covered in scales, wearing a red feathered cap
Well, that's all very well until the last bit. A red feathered cap? Where the hell does that come from? Is it an attempt to rebel against the fashion set by Robin Hood by wearing a similar item of clothing just in a different colour? Somehow I doubt it. Honestly, who made up this stuff? More to the point, what were they smoking, and where can I get some?
66: Nuckelavee - Scottish; A horse-like creature with one eye, a human torso on its back and no skin
No skin?! Gordon Bennett, this just gets weirder and weirder. No skin. Then what, pray tell, prevents its internal organs and the like from flopping all over the place? Trust the Scots to make up something like that. No, actually, trust the Americans to do it, then blame it on the Scots.
67: Spectre - Undead being that is semi-transparent; can scare the wits out of people
Not very good, this one, is it? Just the same as a Ghost, but with a different name and a scythe. It's a similar problem to that we encountered with Ancient Gorgon; it's the same as another monster. Oh dear.
68: Bloody Bones - Spirit that haunts houses to scare unwary people
And this one's exactly the same again. With a name like that, you'd expect it to be, well, a pile of bloody bones, rather than a ghost. And, on the subject of its name, did anyone else notice that the name can be sung to the tune of 'The Raggy Dolls'?
Last lot of pictures for Series 2, then.
69: Sebek - Egyptian; Male humanoid spirit with a crocodile’s head
The only question I'm asking is, why do they feel the need to point out that this one's male? It's not one of the first questions that pops into the head, really. Moving onwards ...
70: Dryad - Tree spirit who lives in forests and attacks travellers
Well, that's not very nice of it, is it?
71: Undine - Sea creature who is the spirit of a woman who dies by drowning and seeks revenge
Seeks revenge for having drowned? Well, that's up to the Undine, of course, but ... well, actually, I can't honestly be bothered to talk about it. I'm just glad this next one is the last. Once again, I'm getting tired and it is time for me to go to bed.
72: Gargoyle - Medieval Europe; Grotesque wide-mouthed creatures found on medieval buildings who attack people
Yeah, well, the problem with that is that they're made of stone, and as a general rule, stones don't move. Also, Matchbox appear to have failed to do their research again. Gargoyles were constructed on the medieval buildings by people to scare away the real evil creatures. Gargoyles themselves are not bad at all. In fact, they're good. Which is more than I can say for the Monster in my Pocket Series 2 range.
Back to Monster in my Pocket Series 1, Part 2!