Well, this article is all about Monster in my Pocket. Monster in my Pocket was a series of little plastic figures marketed by Matchbox toy company. The object was naturally to collect them all, so Matchbox could make as much money as possible. To make it even more lucrative for Matchbox, the monsters were sold in different types of packs. You could get a four pack for 99 pence, or a twelve pack for 4 pounds, 12 pence. The thing about the twelve pack was that you couldn't actually see which monsters you got. Which made it possible for Matchbox to get lots of money, before gullible children realised that certain monsters probably weren't put in the twelve packs. They could also be bought in 24 packs. For Series 1, there were two 24 packs, one of which contained all the odd-numbered monsters and the other all the even numbered ones. I can't remember how much this cost, but it was considerably more sensible to buy these, then you had the lot and no duplicates.
There were several series' of Monsters before they stopped selling. The first series was called Series 1, the second Series 2, and the third Super Scary. This was the point at which I stopped buying, but they did continue. However, I'm not going to concern myself with the later series' because I never had anything to do with them. In this first article, I will discuss the first half of the monsters of Series 1, and the second article will deal with the second half. Articles 3 and 4 will deal with Series 2 and Super Scary respectively.
I'm going to do this by including pictures of each monster, then a description of each as copied from another website. Then I'm going to add my own comments.
1: Great Beast: "An awesome, very powerful monster with many poisonous heads and wings."
Well, not too stupid, I suppose, but clearly not a mythical creature, just one made up. They could, perhaps, have chosen a better monster to kick off with.
2: Hydra: "Greek: A flying serpent. When it loses 1 head, 2 more grow in its place."
Again, not terribly stupid, although the claim as regarding the heads was a transparent deception, as my own experiments with my own plastic model revealed.
3: Werewolf: "The Werewolf combines the intelligence of a human with the strength and cunning of a wolf. In his "human" form, this quiet and unassuming creature can sometimes be identified by certain features such as long hair growing on his palms, long index fingers, eyebrows which grow together, and worst of all-dirty toe nails! When exposed to a full moon, he is secretly transformed into a blood-thirsty, growling beast who possesses and craves human flesh. The only method of killing the werewolf is with a silver bullet. So, if there's a full moon out tonight, listen carefully to that distant howl ... another victim perhaps?"
Well ... yes. An interesting description of a creature that just about everyone knows about anyway. I must confess, I have eyebrows which grow together, but none of the other characteristics apply to me. Does that make me only part-werewolf?
4: Behemoth: "An outrageously huge beast which some say is the king of all beasts."
Oh dear. As I understand it, behemoth merely means a large thing. Therefore, the name of this monster is slightly inappropriate. I can't think of much else to say about him, though, so let's move on.
5: Griffin: "Medieval Europe: this beast has the back of half of a lion and the front of an eagle."
Well, jolly good for it then.
6: Tyrannosaurus Rex: "Tyrannosaurus Rex, or "T.Rex," as his friends call him [not that he's got any ], is the king of dinosaurs. He lived in prehistoric times and was thought to be just another old fossil until he was reawakened by a violent earthquake on his remote Caribbean island. Rising from the ocean, he uses his giant stubby legs to kick over anything that gets in his way, and his enormus "whale tail" can clear an entire acre of land with one wag. Taller than most buildings, this amphibious creature doesn't mess with eating people, he eats whole cities, (and usually a suburb for dessert)! It's no wonder this entire species became extinct millions of years ago - they probably couldn't find anyone to play with!"
What an incredibly good idea about the extinction of dinosaurs! I shall be sure to submit that one to the Department of Palaeontology at the University of York when I get there. Or, on second thoughts, I won't, on account of not wanting to get kicked out of the University for being a right loony. To return to the subject, though, I just feel it necessary to point out that dinosaurs aren't technically monsters, not even T.Rex, as I feel able to call him, since he is one of my closest chums.
Time for more pictures now:
7: Cockatrice: "Part rooster, part snake , part bat...you can understand why this is probably the meanest (and ugliest) creature in the world. He not only lives in the desert, he created the desert! His breath destroys all living creatures and vegetation. When this monster's hungry, he merely looks into the sky, breathes, and a dead bird falls into his open mouth. That's not all. The gaze of a Cockatrice has a power to split rocks. And one look into the eyes of this monster will bring certain death! So if you happen to run into a Cockatrice on your next desert trip, pull out a mirror and the beast will die when he sees himself. Or even better yet, you can simply stay home!"
Yes, I suppose I could, couldn't I? Much better to not go to the desert on the off chance that I might meet a mythical beast who will kill me by looking at me! Thank goodness I read this, otherwise I might have made a fatal mistake. And there's another wonderful scientific theory in that description - the Cockatrice created the desert! Well, that clears that one up then.
8: Cyclops: "Greek: A race of giants with on eye in the middle of their foreheads."
So many potentially interesting things they could have said here, but didn't. Never mind. They probably wanted to save their creative juices for their more ludicrous monsters. Like the next one.
9: Tengu: "These mischevious monsters live inside hollowed out trees throughout the forests of Japan. The Tengu likes to believe he knows everything, but in reality he can easily be fooled. However, he has a nasty temper, and if you get caught tricking a Tengu, he will sneak up to you in his coat which makes him invisbile, and either eat you or pick you up in his powerful claws and throw you into a volcano! The Tengu can often be seen "sushing" just above the ocean off the Japanese coast in search of his favorite food, raw fish and seaweed ... yuck!"
Erm ... is not raw fish and seaweed what the Japanese themselves eat? This description seems to be casting aspersions on the Japanese national cuisine! Tut tut tut. And they live in hollowed out trees, do they. Well well well. Another piece of information I found while doing research for this article (yes, I do do research sometimes) is that they are 8 feet tall. Things that are 8 feet tall tend to be too wide to fit inside hollowed out trees, especially things with wings like the Tengu. All in all, the Tengu is an incredibly stupid invention.
10. Triton: "Faster than a speeding Jet Ski, more powerful than a nuclear submarine, able to leap the tallest waves with a twist of his flipper ... it's a duck, it's a flying fish, no, it's Triton - Master of the Ocean! Half human and half fish, Triton cruises across the ocean in a chariot, powered by a team of dolphins. He carries with him a magic conch (seashell) which, when blown like a trumpet, can command the seas to become either calm or churn into a stormy rage Even landlubbers are not safe from Triton, as he can change his tail into legs and come ashore to wreck havoc. So next time you're at the beach or out fishing and you hear a distant horn, head for the hills - Triton may be coming!"
So, if Triton can turn his tail into legs, what good is heading for the hills, then, hmm? I am also unsure as to why the description "Faster than a speeding Jet Ski, more powerful than a nuclear submarine" immediately brings the suggestion that perhaps the creature being described is a duck. Last time I looked, ducks were neither of these things, although you can do some marvellous things with genetic engineering these days.
11. Kraken: "Perhaps the most awesome sea monster ever, Kraken is actually bigger than Yankee Stadium! When seen from the distance, Kraken appears to be a deserted island sitting in the middle of the ocean! However, if you approach this "island" you will be met with a pair of great, glassy eyes and a set of sharp teeth - so large that they are often mistaken for icebergs! When this guy's hungry, he will feast upon a large ship. Using his tentacles to pluck men from the deck, Kraken will swallow these tasty morsels as an appetizer. Then the powerful monster will wrap his eight arms completely around the ship, pulling it to the depths of the sea and eating the remaining crew for his main course. (I wonder what he eats for desert?)"
God only knows. And he probably doesn't care. However, the one thing I wish to take issue with here is that the description claims that the Kraken's teeth are often mistaken for icebergs. If that is so, they would have to be detached from the Kraken's mouth and be floating about, otherwise the presence of a great gaping mouth might possibly alert sailors to the fact that no, these things are not icebergs.
12. Jotun Troll: "The evil Jotun Troll is no doll! He's the son of the Norse God of Frost and although he's only four feet tall, he's fairly easy to pick out in a crowd - he has eight heads! This monster has the magic ability to create blizzards and avalanches to bury his enemies. Although he's surprisingly powerful for such a small creature, this bearded wonder is really known for his skills using clubs and spears. The Jotun Troll is also much more intelligent than the giant trolls. If you thought two heads were better than one - just imagine having eight! Nicknamed the "Talking Heads," you have probably guessed that this guy's secret weapon is his ability to talk you to death!"
Right. Well, besides the fact that Jotun Troll actually has nine heads (count 'em), I bet he's not really nicknamed the "Talking Heads", on account of that particular band not existing way back in the Ice Age (which is when he was supposedly born). And no one suggested he was a doll, so why the description felt the need to refute this is beyond me. Stupid. Very stupid indeed.
More pictures:
13. The Monster: "In 1818, a young chemist named Victor Frankenstein attempted to build a "perfect" human using parts from dead bodies. Unfortunately, his final creation was far from perfect - The Monster received the brain of a murderer by mistake, making him very violent. He was quite ugly, couldn't talk, and had bad manners to boot! A bolt of lightning brought this monster to life, giving him superhuman strength. He had a hard time making friends and was often chased and stoned by the villagers. When Victor refused to build him a girlfriend, he became angry, killed several people and left to lead a life alone in the Arctic wastelands. This is definitely a moddy guy!"
What an imaginative name! 'The Monster'! I bet it took them about six whole hours to come up with that one. And would anyone mind explaining the term 'moddy'? I'm guessing it's a spelling mistake (the descriptions were full of them before I corrected them) but the originally intended word is far from clear.
14. Manticore: "What do you feed a monster that's 12 feet long, has the body of a lion, the tail of a scorpion, the head of a human, with three rows of sharp teeth? Anything he wants, of course! The ferocious, man-eating, Manticore has power blue eyes and the voice of a trumpet, but don't expect to seem him at your next rock concert. This "low life" lives beneath the desert, close to the center of the earth. The Manticore runs swiftly as a deer, has the ability to leap over small buildings. He uses his tail to shoot posionous, spine-like straws into his victims, through which he slurps their blood. This is not the kind of guy you would want your sister to marry ... or then again maybe it is!"
"Don't expect to see him at your next rock concert"? I assure you, the mere thought that I might do hadn't even crossed my mind. But the immensely amusing joke at the start of that description is more than enough to make amends for that slip. However, the slip at the end about him not marrying my sister cannot be excused. I mean, living beneath the desert as he does, how do they even expect the stupid monster to get to the church? And a marriage isn't legally binding until both parties have agreed to it. Call me stupid, but I don't think my sister would agree. She's funny like that.
15. Karnak: "Egyptian: Underworld God who destroys those who violate sacred temples."
Goodness me! He doesn't just kill them, he destroys them! He must be very cross about it then!
16. Coatlicue: "This two-faced Amazon woman was once an Aztec Queen who was exiled because of her famous garbage mouth. The problem is not what she says, but rather what she eats - she preys on sick and injured people, and where there are none of these people available, she feeds of the filth of the land. Coatlique's wardrobe rivals that of Kali's [#19] for bad taste. She wears of a skirt of live snakes, and a necklace of human hearts attached to a skull pendant. Perhaps her most evil deed to date was to name her son Huitzilopoctli. This poor lad was nicknamed "the sick one" growing up, as every time he said his name people thought he was sneezing and would respond by saying, "gesundhiet!""
It would appear that the person from whom I nicked all the pictures was missing a model of Coatlicue, although I assure you, it was one of the most stupid looking creatures I have ever had the misfortune to look upon. The most notable aspect about it is that it's was cuboid, which makes me wonder whether it was a woman at all. I've never seen a cuboid woman. Coatlicue looked more like an idol on an altar. But never mind. Let's not waste any more time on it.
17. Bigfoot: "A huge monster with a hairy body, long arms, big feet, a hunched back, and a lumbering gait. This awesome creature is part man, part ape, and part NFL linebacker! Although he normally keeps to himself, Bigfoot will attack viciously if provoked, using rocks and boulders as weapons. He is frequently sighted but has yet to be captured. Many trackers who have followed his giant footprints through the snow have never returned. He is known to eat polar bears, Eskimos (and Eskimo PiesŪ for dessert)!"
All I am saying is that I bet Eskimo Pies is not in fact something from which all rights are reserved, as the silly 'r' in a circle symbol suggests. The rest of it, apart from the NFL linebacker bit (I don't have a clue what that means) seems moderately sensible, compared to some of the tripe we've seen recently.
18. Baba Yaga: "Even Russia has its famous monsters. In this case it's Baba Yaga, an evil old witch who flies through the sky in a large black kettle, propelled by a fiery broomstick. She is known to give children rides and bring them home for dinner - unfortunately, the children are the main course! Baba Yaga lives deep in the forest in a "tastefully" decorated house. On the fence are human skulls with candles burning in them. So next time you are outside after dark, look into the sky. Perhaps you will see the sparks of Baba Yaga's broom as she heads out to pick up her next dinner guest!"
You'll only have a chance of seeing that if you're in Russia, and even then it's rather doubtful. And I take objection to the "Even Russia" bit of that description. Russia is a very interesting country, and even if it was communist when that description was written, it doesn't mean it's any less likely than America to have famous monsters. In fact, I can't think of any monsters that are exclusively American in the Monster in my Pocket range, apart from Creature from the Closet and Mad Gasser of Mattoon, from the Super Scary lot. And they're not exactly imaginative names, are they? The latter isn't even a monster, it's just a loony. Take my word for it, Russia is a much more interesting place than America, and I'd rather go there than the good ol' US of A.
Picture time:
19. Kali: "This humanoid hag from India is really just an ugly mother who loves her children - loves them to death, that is! After working up an appetite performing her famous "Dance of Death" she heads home to eat her children, or anyone else she can strangle with her iron hook. This "bad luck beauty" has dark skin which she sheds like a snake, and red hands on each of her four arms. Kali wears a necklace of human teeth and a belt made from shrunken blood-stained hands. Fortunately her taste in jewelry has yet to catch on!"
Matchbox made a bit of a boo-boo when they included this one in their range. They, it seemed, hadn't done their research properly and discovered, after quite a lot of complaints from Hindus, that Kali is actually a sacred goddess. The figure was withdrawn and has therefore become a rather rare model, apparently.
20. Catoblepas: "Although he's the perfect pet for Medusa [#26], you probably wouldn't want this monster sleeping under your bed at night. Catoblepas has the wings of a dragon, the body of a buffalo and the head of a wild hog. He not only can't fly, but frags his stomach through the mud as he lazily waddles across the ground. Catoblepas rarely lifts his fat head to look up, but if he does - watch out! His stare will turn you to stone faster than you can say "Buffalo Wings", (which incidentally were named after him). So if you happen to come upon Catoblepas as he is out grazing on his favorite snack of poison ivy, beware of his stare as it will bring new meaning to the words "stone age"!"
Whether I wanted him under my bed or not, I probably couldn't fit him under. I mean, he is four foot high, with four foot wings as well, which probably makes him about seven foot high (his wings don't start at the very top of his body - look at the picture). How do they expect him to fit under there? And just why were "Buffalo Wings" named after "Catoblepas"? And while we're on the subject, isn't Catoblepas a really stupid name? In fact, I think Catoblepas qualifies for the stupidest monster yet!
21. Harpy: "Possibly the most repulsive creature ever, the Harpy is a winged monster with the head of a young woman, and the body, wings and feet of a bird of prey. It has no regard for personal hygiene and a appetite that won't quit. The Harpy will strike at dinnertime, stealing all the food before anyone else can eat. Its disgusting table manners include burping, chewing with an open mouth, not asking to be excused and then flying away with a hideous scream as it throws up on everyone! The Harpy will sometimes attack and eat humans - usually criminals and dead people. This beast dislikes the sound of brass instruments (such as tubas) and can be repelled by the playing of band music just before dinnertime."
How unpleasant. Shocking. So terrible, in fact, that I'll say no more about it.
22. Haniver: "An extremely vicious monster, the Haniver lives both on land and in sea. This unusual monster looking creature has a huge head, virtually no body and two short stubby legs. He can be found just off shore where, underwater, he may resemble a innocent ray - that is until he opens his mouth and exposes multiple rows of sharp, poisonous teeth! The Haniver is known to surprise his victims by burying himself in the sand and waiting for an unsuspecting beachgoer to pass. (He's especially looking fond of tourists!) Be sure to think twice next time before you pick up that sea shell sticking out of the sand - it may be the top of a Haniver waiting for dinner!"
What excellent advice. In fact, I'm getting so scared by now that I'm going to not go outside again for quite a long time. What good fortune there's only two monsters left before I can stop for the night, otherwise I'd be so terrified I'd be left trembling in my chair.
23. Hobgoblin: "The Hobgoblin is a mischievous little creature that lives in nooks and crannies of houses. They can actually be quite useful - caring for unattended babies, helping bread to rise, and will even clean your room! This is a monster? However, if they are not properly cared for - watch out! The Hobgoblin will play mean tricks, like giving you nightmares, turning your dog into a rat and, worst of all, stealing your toys! Although not as vicious as their cousin the Goblin [#27], they are short-temepered and, if mistreated, will pinch you until you are black and blue. So next time you hear a strange noise coming from deep inside your house, leave some food out for the Hobgoblin so he'll be good to you."
Ahhh, how nice. Thank goodness we found a nice monster finally. He doesn't look that helpful, though. I think he looks like he's got some sort of stupid helmet on that makes him look, well, frankly, rather scary. AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
24. Windigo: "A man eater. You can become one by resorting to cannibalism."
A short and sweet description that, unfortunately, makes little more sense than some of the other descriptions we've been subjected to recently. So Windigo is not much more than a cannibal, then. And you too can be a cannibal. Very good. So all you have to do is eat someone, then you're a Windigo? Wow! I might do that right now. In fact, I'm going now, so I'll see you again tomorrow, while I'm still licking my lips.