- by Heath the Rat, transcribed by Owen Morton
I, Heath the All-Seeing and All-Powerful Rat, have noted that many of you puny mortals are incapable of doing some of the things that come as second nature to supremely intelligent and respectable individuals such as myself. And because I am a primarily magnanimous being, I have come to the conclusion that I was sent among you by a higher power to allow you to benefit from my great knowledge and wisdom. Now, I realise that my time among you was perhaps spent a little frivolously – most of it being spent running up and down underneath a washing line in order to keep dry – but I did make efforts to let you in on some of the secrets of life. Unfortunately, my time with you all was cut tragically short when I was rudely awakened from my nap in the middle of the road by a car which most inconsiderately ran me over. However, since my spirit continues to live through the efforts of this most splendid website, I have decided to set aside a little time to tell you how to do some of the more important things one can do in life. I have already given detailed instructions on how to write the perfect CV; now let us see what we can do with other parts of life.
1. How To Enter Your House:
An easy one to start with. Your house being your house, you probably own some keys to it. Just make sure you always have your keys with you, and voila! Even if your house is locked when you get to it, you can gain access by using the keys.
2. How To Be An Ostrich:
This is slightly trickier. As far as I have observed, there is only one way to be an ostrich, and that is to be born to it. If you haven’t been born to it, you’ve got little hope. This system of ostrichosity-by-inheritance may not be fair, but it’s the way things are, and you’ll probably have to accept it. If you can’t accept it, then you can always pretend to be an ostrich. But preferably not in public.
3. How To Become A World-Famous Rock Star:
Hmm. Difficult but not impossible. Get an instrument like a guitar, learn to play it well, form a band. That’s about as far as it’ll probably go, but you never know, you might make it big.
4. How To Open The Fridge:
This is, generally speaking, relatively easy. Take hold of the fridge door handle and pull, and that’s about all there is to it. If you encounter problems, such as the entire door coming off in your grubby little mitts, then hide somewhere until the mishap has been forgiven.
5. How To Get Arrested:
This, again, is rather easy. Sometimes too easy, if you ask me. The best way to get arrested is probably to go into your local constabulary and, in full view of the policeman on duty, produce a pneumatic drill and attempt to drill a large hole in the floor. Chances are you’ll be arrested before you can say “Jack Robinson”. Not that you would say that. Well, I suppose you might, if you were being a bit silly.
6. How To Make Up A New Card Game:
Get some cards and make up some rules.
7. How To Learn To Fly:
Jump out of a plane when it’s in flight. The incentive to learn to fly will probably be too much to ignore, and you’ll happen upon the secret at some point on your way down. (NOTE: This hasn’t always worked in the past.)
8. How To Win The Lottery:
It’s probably easier to rob a bank.
I’m bored of writing things now, you poor fools. Everything else in life you’ll have to learn without the help of me, Heath the Rat. Enjoy your miserable lives.