- by Owen Morton
I work in Nottingham Library, as some of the more avid readers of this site will know (and since the only avid readers of this site are my friends, they probably knew that already without having to read it here), and in that establishment, I work on one of the more boring floors, the Business Library, where they keep the most uninteresting books (such as 'Engine Sheds of the West Midlands' and 'Breeding Earthworms for Profit'). I have spent many exciting hours trying to find the most boring book in the place. To be totally fair, I will admit that there are some interesting books there as well. 'The Darwin Awards', for example, resides at class number 363, though I haven’t any idea why it’s there, and one should never forget the seminal 'Extraordinary Chickens'.
But the point I am attempting to come round to is that also in the Business Library are kept the books on how to write a perfect CV. I am naturally rather suspicious, as it occurs to me that the only way one could write a perfect CV is if one were to tell a pack of lies. You can never have a perfect CV. Plus, of course, these books offer all and sundry the chance to write a perfect CV. But what if the person who picks up the CV is someone who has nothing to put on their CV other than their name and address? Would that then constitute a perfect CV? I think not.
But anyway, Heath the Rat has some tips to offer all his readers on how to write a perfect CV. He would advise, however, that the CV you will end up with is only perfect if you are endeavouring not to get the job.
And without further ado, here are his tips.
1. Presentation is everything. Well, not quite everything everything, because if it were everything, there wouldn’t be any need for any points after this one, and if that were the case, then there would be no need to have numbered this as '1', because there wouldn’t be a point '2', and the list would have ended fairly swiftly. But anyway, presentation is important. In fact, it’s almost everything. Make sure your CV has margins, but for that special home-made touch, do not draw the margins on a computer. Instead, draw them yourself, preferably when at least partially drunk and certainly without the aid of a ruler. Draw little symbols in the corners. Smiley faces always go down well, as do hammer and sickles. Swastikas are usually right out, though if it’s a job in the National League For People Who Think They Are Considerably Superior To People Of Other Races, I suppose it could be worth a try. Also, try writing in yellow wax crayon. Employers like people who are willing to use innovative ideas.
2. As I said above, presentation isn’t everything. Well, actually, above I said that presentation is everything, but if you bothered to read the paragraph, you’d have found that I later changed my mind. Presentation is not everything. You must also include some material. It’s all very well sending your prospective employer a CV with a beautiful sheet with lovely margins, but if it doesn’t actually say anything, you’ll be sure not to get the job! If, of course, that’s what you’re aiming for (which would be fairly likely if you’re actually taking this seriously), then fair enough, but for those who wish for a career advancement, read on!
3. So, first off, you’ve got to put your name at the top of the sheet. Or, if you wish to be supremely intelligent, put someone else’s instead. It is an immensely innovative way to not get a job if you write a genuinely perfect CV and sign someone else’s name to it. Anyway, write at the top of Page 1 ‘CV: [your name, or whoever’s name you have chosen]’. You are now ready to proceed to point 4.
4. And here we are at point 4. Point 4 is all about addresses. Now, you can’t really go wrong here. Either put your address or somebody else’s. There can be multiple reasons and advantages to putting someone else’s. If you have signed to someone else’s name (see point 3), it can be intelligent to put their address as well (or, if you really want to confuse the whole issue and make it impossible for it to be traced back to you, put a third person’s address). Also, if you don’t want people finding out what your address is, you could put someone else’s address, and check their mail every day to see if there’s anything addressed to you, or anything which looks like it might contain money, in either of which cases, you should take it. A good way to impress prospective employers is to put the address of their company on your CV, and, if questioned, to explain that you’re so confident that you’ll be the one getting the job that you have started to have all your mail redirected in their direction. And that’s about it for addresses, other than that you shouldn’t put obviously fake addresses, since they’re unlikely to want to get in touch with you if you do.
5. The next point is vitally important and can clinch your chances of getting the job. Mess this up and you’ve got no hope. After addresses, you should put your exam results. The earliest exams you will have proof for are your GCSEs, but if you like (and if you can remember the result) employers will probably be interested in your SATS as well. The key here is honesty. Put down exactly what you got in your GCSEs, unless it’s not exactly what you wanted, in which case put down what you wanted. Some would say this isn’t honest, but they’re the same as those who would say that Thatcher wasn’t a fascist, so they’re obviously wrong. Apply the same procedure for A levels, and if you’re feeling particularly honest, you could try claiming you got a first class degree at Oxford in the subject of your choice. (Hint: make sure this subject will be of benefit in the job you are going for, so don’t say you got a degree in psychology if you’re trying to become a builder.)
6. Once you’ve done all this, you can get on to the fun bits. Write a section entitled ‘Personal Interests’. In this, write things that your potential employers are likely to approve of, like bullfighting, arson, murder, kidnapping, theft and being an MP. People who spend all their spare time forming small-minded reactionary groups against other people trying to do good things for the community like building trams (yes, I am talking about you, Mr. Robertson of the Davies Road Action Group) are never well-regarded by employers, so don’t do it. Not least because I think a tram would be a good idea. Sometimes, employers like their potential employees to be creative, so it’s always worth your while to write that you like poetry, and perhaps include some. If you haven’t written any, you can include this and pretend it’s your own work:
Streetlight malt bread fish and chips in the oven
With a tail on with the other mermaids with golden scales.
Some employers may argue that this is not poetry, more sort of gibberish, but it isn’t. It’s a revolution of post-modernistic expressionism, with surrealist influences and just a dash of mustard. In fact, you can’t use that at all. I think it’s so good I’m going to publish it myself.
7. Lastly, there is always a section of miscellaneous information that you must never neglect to include. You must here put down anything you feel your employers ought to know. Inclinations for eating the raw flesh of a freshly-slaughtered parakeet at precisely twenty past four every afternoon, for example, should go here, as should any criminal convictions you’ve ever had. On the subject of criminal convictions, if you’ve never had any, make one or two up. Employers look highly on people who get what they want no matter how difficult it is, and crime is often tricky. In fact, if you’ve got space, you could regale them with tales of your criminal exploits, like the time you went to the Thomas The Tank Engine theme day at the local railway station and inserted a die-cast model of the infamous engine into the stationmaster’s left nostril, then used the distraction to nick off with the train itself. If exploits like this ended ignobly, like if you foolishly made the mistake of stopping at a signal, make up a more grandiose ending, such as saying that you used the engine to run over thousands of policemen but the wheels became so slippery with blood that you couldn’t go any further so you drew your machete and [the remainder of point 7 has been withdrawn on legal advice].
8. And to finish off with, make sure you include at least two extra blank sheets of your home-made margined paper. It always makes employers happy to get some free stationery.
And that, my friends, is the sum of Heath the Rat’s ideas about writing a perfect CV.