- by Owen Morton
Yes, okay, given the article we had yesterday, this one isn’t actually very imaginative, but I couldn’t give up the opportunity to write about those three exciting characters from She-Ra that I mentioned in the previous article. If I left it for a long time, then I’d just forget to do it, and then the world would be denied this literary and critical masterpiece.
My attitude towards the She-Ra: Princess of Power cartoon has always been somewhat ambivalent, to tell you the truth. I remember I would watch it if it was on, but I’d never go out of my way to see it. This is probably because, at the age of four or five (the age I was when He-Man and She-Ra were very popular in the UK, back in 1987, ’88 and ’89), I was not really inclined to do things that appear to be aimed squarely at girls. So She-Ra was never that important to me. I watched episodes and I enjoyed them, but the chances are that I’ll never remember enough of one episode to do a review of it (though, admittedly, this didn’t stop me with Sky Turtles back in March). The goody characters, as I recall, were pretty uninspiring; I can’t remember many names, but there was of course Princess Adora, who was a cheap knock-off of Prince Adam, and there was an irritating fellow called Bow, and an even more irritating creature called Madame Razz. There was also the Orko substitute, Kowl, whose ‘magic 8-ball’ we discussed back in December 2001.
However, I can’t remember enough about She-Ra’s allies to justify writing an article about her most useless friends. Her enemies, on the other hand, are another story. I don’t remember the exact justification behind the She-Ra cartoon – it wasn’t quite the same format as He-Man, in that I seem to recall the baddies were in power on She-Ra’s planet, and She-Ra was some form of revolutionary – but that doesn’t really matter, since all you really need to accept is that She-Ra and her friends are good, and Hordak and his friends are bad. Once you’ve got this relatively simple concept through your head, chances are you’ll be able to follow a typical She-Ra episode with little difficulty.
And so, now comes the time to sit down and discuss which of Hordak’s allies were a complete waste of space. If you read my previous article, you’ll know which characters I’m going to discuss here; if not, you’re in for a lovely surprise. It’s most likely that this article will focus on the action figure versions of these characters more than their cartoon counterparts, on account of me not remembering much about the cartoon.
Leech:
Leech seems the most logical choice to start with, since, to be fair to him, he is the least stupid of the lot. It’s probably not too hard to work out what animal he was based on, but in case you’re having trouble, Leech drew inspiration from the leech. I do remember one appearance by this loathsome beast in the cartoon – Bow fell into a lake, and started laughing about it (as I remember it, Bow was pretty stupid), but he soon stopped laughing when Leech emerged from the water behind him. She-Ra helpfully shouted to him, “Bow, get out of the water!” probably recognising that Bow was too stupid to work out this course of action for himself. Bow did as she suggested, and I don’t recall Leech troubling the erstwhile adventurers after that.
I have to wonder, though, what Leech thought he was doing in the lake. It’s not like he could be working for the destruction of She-Ra’s band of rebels by lying down underwater, really, is it, unless of course he was anticipating the rebels would fall into the water. This isn’t really a very good plan, unless the rebels make a habit of falling into this particular lake. Even though Bow did seem to be enjoying it, I would guess that this isn’t the guess. One has to wonder exactly how long Leech would have stayed there waiting for someone to fall in before he’d have come up with another plan or died of hunger, whichever came first. I assume Leech was one of Hordak’s friends, even though he appears to spend a lot of time on his own in lakes – probably a bit like Mer-Man in He-Man, really. I’m also a little curious as to why he didn’t come out of the lake and chase She-Ra and co., since, as a baddy who seems to have the upper hand (i.e. no one’s hit him yet, which in cartoons like this equates to having the upper hand), that would seem the logical thing to do.
Leech, in this fleeting appearance, looked a little different from the action figure, but only in that in the cartoon, he was a pale greeny-blue colour, whereas the figure was a much more satisfying deep olive green. As I recall, the cartoon character was also capable of closing his mouth, an ability which the Leech figure did not come equipped with. Indeed, I can’t actually remember the Leech figure possessing any facial features except for a gigantic mouth which took up the entirety of the front of his head. The figure was different from many other He-Man figures in that in place of hands and (I think) feet, it had suction pads, which I assume were intended to make it capable of sticking to walls, but in practice, this didn’t exactly work. I also seem to recall that Leech was another of those splendid figures in the great tradition of Kobra Khan, in that he had the ability to squirt water and thus terrify his foes. (Exactly why he didn’t do this in his epic confrontation with Bow, I’m not really sure, except perhaps the cartoon animators realised that it was a frankly stupid special ability.)
So, all in all, Leech was fairly stupid, but he didn’t quite measure up to the standards set by …
Grizzlor:
As with many of the figures in the Evil Horde range, Grizzlor was an attempt to break the mould by providing an interesting type of figure. He was essentially a Beast-Man type character in the cartoon, I think, though I can’t really remember, but he differed from the Beast-Man figure in one important respect: he had actual fur.
The problem is, as toy manufacturers should learn, this is never a good idea. Figures made out of plastic are pretty much indestructible (unless of course you take to pulling their heads and legs off, or conducting experiments with chain saws and the like), but figures with characteristics like the possession of fur are much more delicate. Moss-Man was another example of this ill-advised trend in giving figures perishable exteriors. If figures like this were accidentally subjected to the water-shooting abilities of Leech and Kobra Khan (admittedly, Grizzlor should never really have got hit by Leech, since they’re on the same side, but there are always incidences of friendly fire), they’d probably be ruined. There were numerous other fates that could befall Grizzlor which would render him forever useless; for example the He-Man Slime Pit, which was a splendid device specifically designed to pour slime all over your heroes, could really do Grizzlor an injury. Grizzlor was also a primary target for angry sisters who weren’t pleased about the haircut you’d just administered to her best Barbie/gerbil/friend/whatever, and were seeking appropriate justice. The average lifespan of a Grizzlor figure was probably much less than that of pretty much any other figure, and just for that, he deserves to be included as one of Hordak’s most stupid allies. I mean, what use is an ally who’s going to get defeated just by squirting water at him?
Mantenna:
And last, but not least, we come to Mantenna. We’re again going to focus on the action figure, because I’m afraid I have absolutely no memories of his appearances on the cartoon, if indeed there ever were any. The best place to start is probably with a description of Mantenna’s physical attributes. Again, he was an unusual figure, and thus he did not have the ridiculously skinny legs supporting an overly muscular chest which was the norm for most He-Man figures. Instead, Mantenna had blue legs, which gave way to a red chest, though I think he was wearing non-detachable blue armour with the Horde logo on the front (as I recall, all the Evil Horde figures had this logo). His arms were red and were terminally incapable of holding anything. His head was, however, the most exciting part of Mantenna’s anatomy. It was extremely large, came equipped with very sizeable ears and a rather small mouth. I have recollections of Mantenna actually looking rather cute. The crowning glory, however, was the lever on Mantenna’s back, which, when pressed, would cause his eyes to rise up out of their sockets.
All right, let’s just think about this. What possible benefit does the ability to remove his eyes from their sockets and suspend them on stalks bring to Mantenna? Maybe it allows him to see things slightly more close up, but most people can get around this problem by the simple expedient of moving their head closer to the object they want a close up of. Plus, of course, were Mantenna to extend his eyes in this manner when in the middle of a pitched battle, it could prove rather dangerous, since some over-zealous goody (who had perhaps briefly forgotten that they aren’t supposed to dismember their enemies) could quite easily chop them off, leaving Mantenna permanently blind. I’m not remotely impressed by Mantenna’s special ability, as you may be able to detect. Nor am I impressed by the stupid pun which forms his name.
One thing, however, that I was impressed with about Mantenna was that the action figure was extremely hard and inflexible. The arms, legs and head did not move, which gave Mantenna the distinct suggestion that he was in fact dead and rigor mortis had set in, an attribute which presumably made him exceedingly useless in battle. On the other hand, this hardness made him the perfect figure to throw at your sister if you wanted revenge for the haircut she subjected Grizzlor to. On the third hand, however, throwing Mantenna at your sister was never particularly wise, since she would tend to go and tell your mother, who would – to put it mildly – not be amused.
And let’s leave it there.