In my ongoing quest to find out more interesting things about He-Man and She-Ra on the Internet, I happened across that majestical site, He-Man.org, the other day, and on it, I went into the folder called 'Fun Stuff'. Now, obviously, everything in there is anything but, but I wanted to see what passes for fun in the world of people sad enough to maintain sites like He-Man.org. And I happened across a link that looked a little like this (except it was actually a link, not text):
Kowl's Magic 8-Ball - Ask Kowl any question and he instantly responds with the truth. Because he knows everything. Really. We're not kidding.
Now, as anyone knows, Kowl is a character in She-Ra. Or actually, I didn't know that. I'm just assuming he was because he certainly wasn't on He-Man. So I thought I'd ask Kowl a question to test him out. I typed in: "Will I graduate from university next week?"
The answer I got came out as:
"That's an affirmative."
I was obviously somewhat surprised at this, as it's not really going to happen, even though I am a genius. So I typed in: "Really?"
The conversation proceeded thus:
Kowl: That's a definite maybe.
Me: So why the change in opinions? Is it because you're merely programmed to generate a random answer?
Kowl: That's a definite maybe.
Me: You're not being very specific. Perhaps you are a fraud?
Kowl: Yes!
Me: Aha! Gotcha!
Kowl: It's a strong possibility.
Me: So why are you continuing to answer these questions? Is it because you are not really a living thing at all, just a computer-generated random answer?
Kowl: That's a sure bet if I ever saw one.
Me: Just as I suspected. So is it worth me asking any more questions?
Kowl: That's a definite maybe.
Me: Over the course of this conversation, you've given me that answer three times. Is there a reason for that?
Kowl: It's a possibility.
Me: And, if there is a reason, am I likely to find out what it is?
Kowl: Heck no!
Me: Ah. So really I'm just wasting my time, am I?
Kowl: It's a strong possibility.
Me: I'd say it's more than a strong possibility, given that I'm asking questions of a stupid character in She-Ra that is just giving me a totally nonsensical conversation. Am I right?
Kowl: That's a definite maybe.
Me: There you go again! Can you not say anything else when it comes to uncertainties?
Kowl: Ha ha ha! Yeah right.
Me: Well, there's no need to be insulting. I think I might end this conversation now. And then wouldn't you be up the proverbial waterway without a means of propulsion?
Kowl: Probably not.
Me: Well, I suppose you're right there, given that there must be hundreds of sad people all over the world typing questions to you. Is this correct?
Kowl: Yes!
At this point I decided it was time to stop wasting my time and go and think about something else. But I saved the entire conversation on the offchance that I could think of a use for it. And a use came to me pretty quickly. I could stick it on my website, along with a discussion about Kowl's Magic 8-Ball.
Now, I think I proved quite conclusively in that conversation that Kowl is a fraud. He admitted to it at several points, didn't he? But - if you think this through - you will come to the conclusion that if he's a fraud, he's just giving random answers, so he's not actually meaning what he says. WHICH MEANS HE MIGHT NOT BE A FRAUD AFTER ALL (capitals for emphasis there, not just because I felt like shouting). But if he's not a fraud, why is he giving random answers? I think this is an insurmountable problem. Unless, of course, the answers aren't random, but they aren't true either.
And here I think we come to the nub of the matter (I can't remember if that's the correct usage of the word 'nub' but I think you know what I mean). I think Kowl wishes to give the impression that he doesn't have the slightest clue what he's jabbering on about, all because if it came out that he was really clever, there'd be hundreds of people dashing to He-Man.org to ask him questions. And that would be more traffic than He-Man.org could actually cope with! So He-Man.org very cleverly told Kowl to lie occasionally, so that their server wouldn't crash. Because I really think that Kowl is a real thing, on the other end of the telephone line, answering my questions almost as soon as I write them.
However, I think I've got about as much mileage out of this particular discussion as I'm going to, so it's time to go away and do something that is actually genuinely useful.