- by Owen Morton
Some of the regular readers of this website – and by regular, I mean people who’ve been reading it pretty much since it first appeared, two and a half years ago – will recall that after I finished my A-levels, I went through my notes, especially for my Psychology class, and found a hell of a lot of rubbish. Most of this would be what one might call ‘psychology work’, and was thus of no use to man nor beast, since psychology is a useless subject (and yes, psychology students, I am trying to provoke an argument), but in amongst all this gibberish, I found rubbish of a different nature i.e. stuff that was vaguely amusing enough to put on the website. Admittedly, the six pages of Hangman was perhaps a little tedious, unless you happen to be me or Peter, though it is a useful reference if you want to really stump someone with Hangman. But other stuff was pure genius, most especially The Dance of the Jonathan, which still worries the Jonathan in question.
Anyway, the point that I’m coming to rather clumsily is that I have now found another relic of my A-level days: a rather stupid story, which I’m now going to present to any who care to read it. Ladies and gentlemen, a warm welcome for … The Big Blue Box!
Once upon a time there was a big blue box. The man who owned the big blue box was called Jimmy Ticka-Ticka-Tick-Tock-Tick-Tock-WaChunk, for reasons best known to himself. The big blue box sat upon the shelf in Jimmy’s kitchen, filled with German chocolates, but as Jimmy was allergic to German chocolates, the big blue box was never opened and was eventually forgotten by all but The Big Blue Box Brigade.
Left on the shelf for over a decade, the German chocolates melting inside, the big blue box eventually surrendered to its dark side. Emotions such as rage, hate and jealousy that had been suppressed up until now were allowed to go free, and the big blue box had gradually become a bad big blue box.
When the Big Blue Box Brigade arrived to rescue the bad big blue box, the bad big blue box bellowed, “You are the Big Blue Box Brigade! How dare you come onto my shelf and threaten to take me away from my beautiful home?”
The Boss of the Big Blue Box Brigade pushed his spectacles further up his nose, and muttered, “It is as I feared. Our colleague the big blue box has become a bad big blue box.”
“What’ll we do, sire?” demanded the Second in Command of the Big Blue Box Brigade.
“I’m afraid that bad big blue boxes have no places in our big blue box world,” the Boss of the Big Blue Box Brigade told him, solemnly. “This bad big blue box will be burnt, broken and blasted until it becomes a blameless big blue box.”
“You can’t do that!” the bad big blue box objected, but the Big Blue Box Brigade were now centred on their task, and nothing could stop them burning, breaking and blasting the bad big blue box in their attempts to make it into a blameless big blue box.
“Aaaaarrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!” said the bad big blue box, as it was burnt, broken and blasted by the Big Blue Box Brigade.
“This is for your own good,” the Boss of the Big Blue Box Brigade told the bad big blue box. “Soon you will be a blameless big blue box, just like all the other blameless big blue boxes that beautify our world.”
Just then, Jimmy came in. “Oi, you,” he addressed the Boss of the Big Blue Box Brigade. “What you doin’ in my kitchen with my big blue box?”
“We, the Big Blue Box Brigade, are burning, blasting and breaking your bad big blue box to make it into a blameless big blue box to beautify the world,” the Boss of the Big Blue Box Brigade.
“Oh, okay,” said Jimmy. “Can I watch?” he added, already doing so.
“Please do,” the Boss of the Big Blue Box Brigade invited.
“Aaaaaarrrrrgggggggghhhhhhh!” said the bad big blue box. “I demand to speak to my lawyer.”
“Your lawyer is a member of the Big Blue Box Brigade, remember?” the Boss of the Big Blue Box Brigade reminded the bad big blue box.
“I remember,” the bad big blue box agreed. “But still, I don’t feel I should be burnt, broken and blasted without my lawyer’s consent.”
“Fair enough,” agreed the Boss of the Big Blue Box Brigade. “Where is this bad big blue box’s lawyer?”
A rather small big blue box stepped forward and nodded its head, somewhat ashamedly.
“Come, come,” the Boss of the Big Blue Box Brigade said, kindly. “You need not be ashamed that you are the lawyer of this bad big blue box. The bad things this bad big blue box has been beheld to be doing are no reflection on your own big blue boxiness. But, bear in mind that if you say that this bad big blue box should not be burnt, broken and blasted, then you yourself are liable to be burnt, broken and blasted in your place. So, do you believe that this bad big blue box should be burnt, broken and blasted into a blameless big blue box, or should the bad big blue box be burnt, broken and blasted beyond recognition?”
“Burn the bad big blue box!” cried the small big blue box who was the lawyer of the bad big blue box, and his cry was taken up by all the other big blue boxes.
“Burn the bad big blue box! Burn the bad big blue box! Burn the bad big blue box!” the Big Blue Box Brigade cried.
“But bad big blue boxes should be broken and blasted as well, in order to make them into blameless big blue boxes to beautify the world!” the Boss of the Big Blue Box Brigade reminded them, lest they forget.
But now the Big Blue Brigade was running rampart, and no one could stop them as they burnt the bad big blue box without breaking or blasting it, so it could never become a blameless big blue box to beautify the world. And the Boss of the Big Blue Box Brigade was burnt as well, but the rest of the Big Blue Box Brigade at least had the courtesy to break and blast the Boss of the Big Blue Box Brigade, knowing how much he wanted to be a blameless big blue box who would beautify the world.
And that, my friend, is how the Big Blue Boxes became the relentless foes they are today, sweeping down upon our last outposts. One day, we too will become blameless big blue boxes ...