- by Owen Morton
Christmas Eve is often the slowest-moving day of the year. This is because you just want it to be tomorrow, for obvious reasons. Thus on Christmas Eve, you can find it very hard to settle down to any activity, since you’re anticipating Christmas Day so much. Getting exciting, isn’t it? But, in the meantime, what are you going to do today?
Fear not, for we (well, not we, just me, actually) at Heath the Rat’s Silly Page have come up with some fun and interesting things which will occupy your time most constructively all day today. You are cautioned (another word with all the vowels in it) not to try more than none of these activities, unless you want to find yourself in disgrace and have all Santa’s little fairies determine that you are actually very bad and undeserving of any presents tomorrow.
1. Bleach your next-door neighbour’s cat’s fur bright yellow.
YOU WILL NEED:
a next-door neighbour
said next-door neighbour to have a cat
a bottle of bleach (hair bleach, not domestic, unless you want to really push it)
enough sedatives to put the cat out for an hour
nerves of steel.
PROCEDURE:
Wait for next-door neighbour to go out. Five minutes after they have done this, break into their house and acquire cat. (Alternative for non-criminals: wait until cat’s being outside coincides with neighbours being out.) Sedate cat (unless you wish to have your hands scratched off). Apply bleach liberally to cat’s fur. Leave for twenty to forty minutes and wash bleach off. The cat’s fur should now be bright yellow. Wait for cat to wake up. Return cat to neighbour’s house. Wait for neighbours to return and hear the shrieks.
POTENTIAL CONSEQUENCES:
Never being asked to babysit for your neighbours again, thus causing a slight loss in income
Santa not bringing any presents tomorrow
Cat hating you for evermore
2. Stand outside your house and throw staplers at everyone who goes past
YOU WILL NEED:
A house
People going past it
As many staplers as there are people going past
PROCEDURE:
Go outside your house and stand there, waiting for anyone to go past. When someone does, throw a stapler at them. You must use your discretion as to which people you throw staplers at (see POTENTIAL CONSEQUENCES). If you are not discreet enough in this matter, and someone gets overly annoyed at what is obviously only a bit of harmless fun, retreat inside house until they go away.
POTENTIAL CONSEQUENCES:
Arrest
Getting the living daylights knocked out of you by someone who could move faster than you had anticipated
Santa not bringing any presents tomorrow
3. Draw insulting pictures of your parents
YOU WILL NEED:
Paper
Pencil or pen
Coloured pencils or pens (optional)
Somewhere to hide
PROCEDURE:
Take paper and pen or pencil, and sketch an insulting picture of one of your parents. If you wish, colour it in. Just so there is no doubt that this picture is of the chosen parent, write a caption of said parent’s name beneath the picture. Pin the picture up somewhere prominent. Hide.
POTENTIAL CONSEQUENCES:
Well, this one really is a recipe for no presents on Christmas Day, since if there’s one thing Santa doesn’t like, it’s people drawing insulting pictures of their parents. I wonder why. However, there are no other consequences, so if the prospect of no presents tomorrow doesn’t really bother you, go for it.
Right, well, I think that’s about enough for now, since I don’t want to spend the rest of the evening doing this, while I’m sure I could think of all sorts of other interesting and useful things to do.
Merry Christmas!