So, you’re getting married! Great! Allow me to be the first to extend my congratulations. Chances are I’m not the first, because the first thing most people do, when they get engaged, is not to log on to Heath the Rat’s Silly Page on the off chance that some congratulations are strewn their way. But if that’s what you’ve done, then it’s your lucky day.
Anyway, so you’re probably thinking now about all the difficult arrangements that need to be made for your wedding. It’s going to be hard – choosing a venue, dress, flowers, car, food, etc. So why not take the weight off your shoulders in one tiny aspect, and allow Heath the Rat to collate your party’s playlist for you? In less than 10 minutes, I have drawn up the following playlist, and I think you’ll agree it’s a winner:
(I Wanna Be) Your Underwear, by Bryan Adams
Leave, by REM
Mean Machine, by Robbie Williams
Prickly Thorn, But Sweetly Worn, by the White Stripes
Alice Practice, by Crystal Castles
A Space Boy Dream, by Belle & Sebastian
Accelerator, by Primal Scream
The Song About Cats, by Rumpy and the Hoods
You Oughta Know, by Alanis Morissette
I Like A Boy In Uniform (School Uniform), by the Pipettes
Anyone familiar with even a fraction of these songs will instantly be able to tell that this is a playlist of class, finesse and maturity. Nothing says how much you love your newlywed partner than a selection of these tracks. But for those not yet au fait with the delights detailed above, I here offer a brief run-through.
(I Wanna Be) Your Underwear. Everyone knows that a wedding should have some Bryan Adams, but why stick with the overused Summer of ‘69? This little-known (for all the reasons you’d expect) gem manages to combine the usual crapness of Bryan Adams with hitherto unplumbed depths of poor taste and stupid lyrics (e.g. “I wanna be your t-shirt when it’s wet, I wanna be the shower when you sweat”).
Leave. Nothing wrong with a bit of REM, but – as with Bryan Adams – people tend to stick to the safe ones. Don’t make your friends and family cringe as you waltz smoochily around to Nightswimming or Everybody Hurts – instead, blow their miniscule minds with this surprising track from New Adventures in Hi-Fi which basically has Michael Stipe singing over a mad car siren for nearly 8 minutes. Genius.
Mean Machine. Again, everyone has Robbie Williams, but no one wants to hear Angels for the 58 millionth time. Instead, put this one on. Or indeed any Robbie Williams track that wasn’t released as a single. You’ll soon realise that non-single Robbie Williams fare is worse, if that were possible, than those he did release.
Prickly Thorn, But Sweetly Worn. Ah, the White Stripes. How I used to love you. I’m still a fan, of course, but since Jack started genuinely believing he was some form of god, I have cooled off a bit. This embarrassing example of Jack trying to reconnect with his Scottish roots (replete with bagpipes and “li-de-di-de-di-de-di”s aplenty) is guaranteed to clear your dancefloor in about 3 seconds flat, especially if coupled with its sister track St Andrew (This Battle Is In The Air), in which Meg reads random lines from a prayer to St Andrew over a lot more bagpipes.
Alice Practice. Putting anything by Crystal Castles on your wedding playlist is, I would venture, a risky business, but this track (a 2 minute 41 second opus of electronic bleeps and blurbles over arrhythmic drums and screeched indecipherable vocals) perhaps will inspire people more than any other track on this playlist to vacate the dancefloor, the room, and possibly the country.
A Space Boy Dream. Belle & Sebastian are regarded in some circles as being a little bit wet, to be honest. Some of their tracks do nothing to dispel this impression, I’ll admit, but others are sheer brilliance. A Space Boy Dream is not one of the brilliant ones. It’s not even one of the wet ones. It’s one of the downright odd ones. Firstly, a minute or so of spoken word reminiscences about a dream about exploring Mars, then 30 further seconds of slightly discordant drums and some other instrument. It’s not one you can really get your funky groove on to, put it that way.
Accelerator. Finally! A track you can properly dance to. Yes, it might be a bit mental, and yes, it might put off quite a few people, even those who otherwise like Primal Scream. But you know it’s cool.
The Song About Cats. Now, this is the one track on this playlist I can absolutely guarantee you’ve never heard before, and that’s because me and my band (Rumpy and the Hoods) wrote and recorded it. When I say my band, I actually mean just me, because I couldn’t convince anyone with actual musical talent to join me. Consequently, the drumbeat is borrowed off the internet somewhere, the guitar is, shall we say, underwhelming, the vocals are off key, and the entire experience is ultimately rather disappointing. However, it’s worthy of a place on this list because ... because ... Oh, all right then, you can take this one off your playlist.
You Oughta Know. Among the most vicious songs I know. It’s two fingers up to one of Alanis Morissette’s former lovers, and it’s exceedingly bitter (e.g. “Every time I scratch my nails down someone else’s back, I hope you feel it”). Anyone who heard this on the dancefloor at a wedding would give the hosts a long, doubtful stare, and make their excuses forthwith.
I Like A Boy In Uniform (School Uniform). Chances are the name of this particular track has gone some way towards explaining why it’s not a brilliant one for a wedding, but if you really need it spelling out to you – it’s about a girl who isn’t sure whether she’s a lesbian or straight, but in either case prefers her sexual partners to be dressed in school uniforms. Ideal for weird Uncle Rory but probably not anyone else.
So there you go! There’s Heath the Rat’s helpful musical advice. Just put those 10 (or 9, if you’re omitting Rumpy and the Hoods, which you will be because I’m never intending to make it public) tracks on repeat at your wedding, and you’ll be laughing all the way to the divorce!
Welcome to 2011, by the way. And sorry I didn’t review the He-Man and She-Ra Christmas Special. Again.