Eh up, everyone! I thought I'd add another page to my site! This one contains the complete theme tune lyrics to some television programmes that I can remember from my childhood. I assure you, they are entirely recalled from memory, so forgive me any minor mistakes. Or major ones.
Top of the list is, of course, HE MAN AND THE MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE:
PRINCE ADAM: I am Adam, Prince of Eternia. This is Cringer, my fearless friend. Fabulous secret powers were revealed to me the day I held aloft my magic sword and said, "By the Power of Grayskull!"
HE MAN: I have the Power! Cringer became Battle Cat, and I became He Man, the Most Powerful Man in the Universe! Only three others share our secret: the Sorceress, Man-at-Arms, and Orko. Together, we defend Eternia from the evil forces of Skeletor!
SKELETOR: Ha ha ha ha ha!
Well, really, can you beat a theme tune like that? It's just so ... so good! Even if the little appearence by Skeletor at the end does seem a little unnecessary, and his dialogue slightly forced. But anyway, it gets 7 out of 10.
Next we have another contender for best theme tune: TEENAGE MUTANT HERO TURTLES!
NARRATOR: Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles!
Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles!
Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles!
Heroes in a half shell - Turtle Power!
They're the world's most fearsome fighting team!
LEONARDO: Hiya yacka! Hiya yacka!
NARRATOR: Leonardo leads, Donatello does machines!
Raphael is cool but rude, and Michaelangelo is a party dude!
Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles!
Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles!
Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles!
Heroes in a half shell - Turtle Power!
Well ... it's okay, I suppose, but only if you like that sort of thing. It doesn't have the same level of intelligent dialogue as the He Man one does; in fact, the He Man one is so good that just by viewing the theme tune, you can get a basic idea of what happens in every single episode. You can't do that with the Turtles. The lyrics aren't actually all that good, either, in case you hadn't noticed. This one's going to have to get only 4 out of 10, I'm afraid.
Next we have the educational programme ANIMAL FAIR:
NARRATOR: I went to the animal fair,
The birds and the beasts were there.
The big baboon by the light of the moon
Was combing his auburn hair.
The monkey slipped out of his bunk,
And slid down the elephant's trunk.
The elephant sneezed and fell to his knees,
And what became of the monkey monkey monkey monkey animal fair monkey monkey monkey monkey animal fair monkey monkey monkey monkey animal fair?
This really was quite good until the last line let it down a bit. Despite the fact that it doesn't actually make grammatical sense, nobody actually gives a toss what became of the monkey, and consequently attention flags, especially since the programme itself makes no attempt to tell us what happens to the monkey, leaving viewers to wonder about this deep unfathomable riddle for ever after. Moreover, the theme tune presents the programme as some sort of farce set in a safari park, and this is quite patently not the case, as we rapidly discover a mere minute into the programme, when some bloke who I vaguely suspect of being Rolf Harris (although I can't remember, especially since he only narrated and you never got a glimpse of his face) starts talking about boring animals. Sorry, Animal Fair, but your theme tune gets only 5 out of 10.
Next we have POSTMAN PAT, a veritable classic:
NARRATOR: Postman Pat, Postman Pat, Postman Pat and his black and white cat,
Early in the morning, just as day is dawning,
Pat picks all the postbags up in his van.
Everybody knows his bright red van,
Everybody smiles as they wave to greet him,
Maybe, you can never be sure,
There'll be a knock, ring, letters through your door!
PAT: Hee hee!
NARRATOR: Postman Pat, Postman Pat, Postman Pat and his black and white cat,
Pat feels he's a really happy man,
Pat feels he's a really happy man,
Pat feels he's a really happy man.
Now, this truly is one of the best I've ever heard. Besides the fact that when Pat says "Hee hee" it gives the vague impression that the letters coming through your door might possibly contain nuclear devices, this is a real classic. Excellent lyrics, indeed, very good for making up witty (witty if you're five years old, that is) parodies of. I won't disgrace myself by writing them out, but I do seem to recall myself making up some really quite inspired ones. 9 out of 10 for this wonderful theme tune!
Our next contender is the disappointing entry from THE RAGGY DOLLS:
NARRATOR: The Raggy Dolls!
Raggy Dolls!
Dolls like you and me!
Okay, so there may be more to it than that, but that's as much as I can remember, and that's all that counts, really, isn't it. It's an insult to the intelligence, even when you're three years old, gives absolutely no information as to what the programme may be about, and even makes the insinuation that the viewers are dolls. And raggy ones, no less. Well, I'm not going to stand up for that sort of thing, so this one's going to get 2 out of 10.
Hmm, what next? Ah yes! Here's a good one - NODDY! I admit that, like the above entry, it is more of a fragment of the tune than the whole thing, but here we go anyway:
NARRATOR: Noddy, Noddy!
The little man in the red and yellow car.
Again, not particularly inspired, I'll grant you, but it is only a little bit of the tune. However, I'm going to have to judge it on what I can remember, so a mere 3 out of 10, sadly.
Next, another tune which suffers from not being remembered in its entirity, THE FLUMPS!:
NARRATOR: The Flumps, Da Dump
I think it’s fair to say it’s not really worth marking at all.
Next we come to THE WOMBLES, a programme similar to THE FLUMPS, but different in that I can remember more of the lyrics:
NARRATOR: Overground, underground, wombling free,
The wombles of Wimbledon, common are we,
Taking good care of the things that we do,
Sadly, no more of this fantastic tune can be remembered, and it was shaping up to be such a good one too! Ah well. Let's be generous and give it a 4 out of 10.
Lastly, we have SCOOBY DOO, a programme almost defined by its theme tune. Here we go:
SHAGGY: Scooby Dooby Doo! Where are you?
Very unfortunately indeed, that's all I can remember. I apologise for my failing memory; however, I am trying to stuff my memory full of Psychology for my A levels in two weeks time, and am thus not altogether concerned that I can't remember lyrics from stupid programmes of my misspent youth. So, let's just give Scooby Doo a 6 out of 10 and be done with it, because we all know it was good, even if we can't remember it.
And we have a winner! Postman Pat comes out on top in the contest to have the best lyrics in any TV programme! Hooray and well done to Postman Pat! My congratulations to the chef.