I seem to recall mentioning the Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles in passing some time ago, back when I did the TV lyrics article. If I could remember that article's address, I'd use that as a link, but I can't. Sorry. Anyway, without further ado, I present:
Now, you must all remember that the only reason I'm actually writing this article is that I'm very bored. For that matter, someone else who sat at this computer once upon a time was bored too, though when they graffiteed it on the keyboard they wrote 'I am board'. Let us just consider this, shall we? Someone who managed to get into York University, one of the top English universities, cannot spell 'bored' correctly.
On the other hand, maybe they can. Maybe they were just a board of wood. Though I suspect that if a plank of wood was clever enough to get into this university, it would also be clever enough not to advertise the fact that they were nothing more than a board of wood on a computer keyboard. But anyway, I digress. This article is about the Turtles.
My information about the Turtles is fairly recent, on account of the entire series being repeated two or three years ago on BBC2 at 7.30 in the morning, just at the time I'd be eating my breakfast. So I could either watch the news or watch the Turtles. Which would you pick?
Anyway, I'll present the various characters of this immortal series to you, not in much of an order. After that, there will be general comments.
The handsome turtle above is Leonardo. He is the leader of the Turtles, but let's just say quite considerably stupid (though, let's face it, they all are). His weapons of choice are two swords, which he keeps strapped to his shell, but you can't see them all the time, because the clever animators didn't always put them there.
This is Donatello. He is the engineer of the Turtles, which leads him to spout totally inaccurate science every time the writers wanted to blind the viewers with technobabble. Sadly, they didn't take into account that some of their viewers might be adults who could quite easily spot the gaping flaws in the science. Even at GCSE level, I could do this, and I wasn't very good at science. Anyway, Donatello's preferred weapons are two staffs, which, like Leonardo, are generally kept strapped to his shell, although, as above, they aren't always there for one very good reason.
Ah. Raphael. The "cool" Turtle. Everybody liked him because he was just so "cool". He'd have to be - after all, the theme tune does state "Raphael is cool but rude", and theme tunes never lie. I always found him annoying because he's the one who comes up with the 'witty' lines which are not even remotely funny. Plus, he may have been cool but he was also rude, and I am not a fan of people who are rude. His weapons are two daggers, which he keeps in his belt. As I recall, they even stayed there a fair bit of the time.
The final Turtle is Michaelangelo. His speciality was saying "Cowabunga" and annoying everybody. Like Raphael, he did tend to come up with some of the lamest jokes you've ever heard, and so he has earned a place in my Hall of Infamy. His preferred weapon is a whip (kinky). Oh, God, that word 'kinky' has put a really unpleasant image in my head now. Let's not even go there.
NOTE: Some really very sad individuals who shall remain nameless (but whose initials are Jonathan Barker and Matthew Douglas) have pointed out to me that Michaelangelo actually used something called nonchucks, not whips. I'd love to bow to their superior knowledge if I didn't know it was completely wrong. I had the action figure of Michaelangelo and he had a whip. And yes he did, Jonathan and Matthew, so stop emailing me about it.
Aha! Master Splinter, the Turtles' boss. Well, actually, as you can see, the picture is Michaelangelo with Splinter in the background. That's because I was in a hurry when gathering these pictures and I couldn't be bothered to find one of Splinter on his own. Anyway, Splinter is a ninja rat who hides out in the sewers and sends the Turtles on missions. His favourite weapons, as I recall, are his bare hands, which explains why he gets captured such a lot.
Now, this unpleasant looking chappy is the evil mastermind behind all the Turtles' woes. In fact, if I remember rightly (which I'm not sure I do), the Turtles would not be teenage, mutant or heroes if it wasn't for Krang. They'd be just normal, which I'm sure they'd prefer. Anyway, Krang is a warlord from another dimension, who tried to take over that dimension and consequently got exiled to Dimension X, where he somehow acquired a huge great war machine called the Technodrome (which is odd, really, considering that the rest of Dimension X appears to be merely volcanic caves, so quite where he came by the Technodrome is one of those things you're probably not meant to question). His ambition is to take over the planet Earth and kill the Turtles. He has three servants to help him do this. Here they are.
The middle one is Shredder, the boss. The rhino one on the left is Rocksteady, and the warthog one on the right is Bebop. The latter two are irredeemably thick. Shredder too is somewhat lacking in intelligence, which does explain, really, why they were never able to defeat a bunch of walking turtles and a ninja rat.
There were other characters, such as the journalists April O'Neill and her friend Irma, but I can't be bothered to waste any more free space on my website by uploading pictures of them (even if I could find any, which I probably couldn't). They weren't very interesting anyway, although I do have a suspicion that at least one of, and probably all of, the Turtles had a crush on April.
The back story behind the Turtles was released on a special video entitled 'How It All Began', told in flashbacks. It was really good. I believe it involved Krang spilling some mutant juice or something in the sewers, where it mutated Splinter (who was already living down there), Bebop and Rocksteady (who probably were as well; considering the plausibility of the plot lines in the Turtles, it wouldn't surprise me if they suggested that a warthog and a rhinoceros were living underneath New York City). Then a boy who'd just bought four turtles from a pet shop tripped and fell, and the turtles fell into the sewers as well. Guess what happened next! I can't remember exactly why the mutant juice made the Turtles and Splinter into good characters, and Bebop and Rocksteady into evil ones, though I would imagine that even if I'd just watched the video mere minutes ago, I still wouldn't have much an idea. I also can't remember where Shredder comes into it, but he does, rest assured.
The only question I really wish to ask about the series is why the Turtles thought that wrapping strips of cloth in various colours would disguise from the general public the fact that they weren't actually human at all, although judging by the reactions they usually got when they ran along the street in broad daylight, the trick did work, so the question I really should be asking is why the public are so stupid.
This article could be much longer, but since I'm bored, or board, whichever way you want it, I'm going to stop now and go away.