- by Owen Morton
Right. I haven't got any particular axe to grind on this subject, hence the rather vague title. I'm just going to sit here and write about everything relevant I can think of, then maybe go back over it and try to blend it into a coherent article. Then again, it may already be a coherent article. Or at least as coherent as some of the articles we have seen on this site recently.
I would also like to point out that my knowledge on this subject does not come from any great powers of memory of misspent youth playing with Sylvanian families figures (not that I didn't spend my youth doing this, but I'd rather people didn't know. Oh. Whoops. What a giveaway), more from the Sylvanian families poster that even now adorns my wall in my room. And while this may seem even stranger than being able to remember them because I played with them when I was little (which I didn't), I can assure you that there is a perfectly legitimate reason for said poster's presence. There are actually more than one reason for the poster being there, but I'm not sure if more than one counts as legitimate. In fact, I'm not sure if any of them count as legitimate. There is a reason for owning the poster which may be legitimate enough, but putting it on the wall is perhaps going too far. Anyway, one of the reasons I have for having it on the wall is that it looks damn cool. Everyone who has come in today since I put it up has said something flattering about it or given me a look which could in some peoples' eyes be interpreted as withering contempt but I choose to look on as immense respect. The other reason (the one referred to initially as 'legitimate') cannot here be divulged yet, in case a certain person visits this page and works something out, and I'm not going to say any more than that because it really is terribly important that he/she/it doesn't work that something out. Yet. I may reveal the reason at a more opportune time in the future, but on the other hand, I'm guessing you don't particularly care, so I probably won't.
Right. So I have divulged the source of my knowledge on the Sylvanian families subject. I do have other knowledge on the subject as well, but where I came by that knowledge is rather embarrassing (link back to the first set of brackets in the second paragraph) so I won't go on about that particular load of knowledge too much. Though quite why a young boy should undergo stigmatism (I don't know if that's the right word to use) and social outcastment (that's definitely not the right word, because it's being underlined in red by the spell-checker, but it's fairly obvious what I mean) just because he chooses to play with interesting little animals with his sister, I don't know. I mean, it wasn't even by myself. Or wouldn't have been, if I did, which I didn't. I played with them with my sister! Or would have done, if I did, which I didn't. I mean, they're fairly cool things, let's face it. They are not violence-inducing figures; they inspire peace and harmony and perhaps explain why I am such a nice fellow now, because they inspired me to be so nice. Or would have done, if I ever played with them, which I most certainly didn't, no, sir. If more little boys had played with these things instead of the rabble-rousing load of He-Man figures which, yes, I shamefully admit, graced my own bedroom for the better part of at least three years, then we wouldn't be having wars. Mark my words, it's because boys are trained to be violent with the toys they use that they grow up to be violent, and I realise this is veering off into potentially sexist rants so I'm going to now justify it by claiming that I learnt about such things in A-level Psychology. I quite possibly did, but I can't remember. But anyway, I think if it had been socially acceptable for little boys to play with Sylvanian families, there'd be considerably less weirdos in the world today.
But I think I have digressed somewhat. The Sylvanian families were intended to be the subject of this article, not a rant about the socially acceptable toys for boys and girls, although perhaps to certain people, the latter would be more interesting. Tough luck. Go and find a professional Psychology site. The maintainers of such a site could most probably do a much better job of discussing such an issue than I could, because a) I don't know what I'm gibbering on about and b) I can't think of a point b, but it always sounds very impressive to suggest that you have organised your thinking in such a manner that you can then lay down your ideas in ordered lists beginning 'a' and then progressing as far as possible up to 'z', and then getting a little stuck there. I mean, what do you do when you get that far? I know some people go 'aa', 'ab' and so forth, but frankly it looks really weird, but even so, it's again not what we are here to talk about this evening.
Okay, to take a totally random example of a Sylvanian family, we have the Vandyke family. Quite what manner of woodland animal they are supposed to be, I can't tell – it could quite easily be beavers, though I would be reluctant to commit myself. I'd include a picture if I could be bothered to scan my poster in when I get home, but I assure you, I won't be that bothered, nor am I going to scour the internet for pictures of the Vandyke family. I may be willing to visit such sites as the He-Man and She-Ra Episode Review Site, but my tolerance will only stretch so far. Anyway, the Vandyke family consists of Daddy Vandyke, Mummy Vandyke, the two little children Vandykes, and the two little baby Vandykes. Or, to give them their respective names, Ebb Vandyke, Flo Vandyke, Brook Vandyke, Spring Vandyke, Eddy Vandyke and Becky Vandyke. Those last two rather spoilt the effect, actually, since until I got to them I was going to make the point that there wasn't a normal name among the lot of them. Never mind. Anyway, I don't know what point I'm going to make now, so it's perhaps better I don't do anything at all.
Aha! But looking towards the bottom right of the poster (if any of you know and moreover own such a poster, which can, incidentally, be obtained free from Toymaster, York - what? You thought I paid for it?), we find the Mulberry family, a whole host of nutcases who haven't got a sensible name between them. Daddy Mulberry is named Elma (which would be all right if he were Mummy Mulberry), Mummy Mulberry is called Mae (what?), and the obnoxious-looking kids are called Ike (which is typical American rubbish, I suppose) and Candy (ditto, but certainly shouldn't be included in English toys. Oh, and there's an assumption. I don't know if anyone's willing to argue with me on this one, but I posit that the Sylvanian families are English. This is because the Online Sylvanian Families Store is only open for business 9.00am to 5.30pm, GMT, which just happen to be English business hours. Coincidence? I think not.). The babies are called Cookie and Pumpkin Mulberry. How cruel are their parents? Although maybe it is just Elma's revenge for the obvious injustice wreaked upon him. Exactly what kind of animals the Mulberrys are supposed to be is unclear as well. They look vaguely like foxes, and as on a brief cursory examination of the poster I can't see any other grouping which looks like a batch of foxes, I will assume that that is what they're supposed to be. Although they should have some foxy surname, really, shouldn't they? Sorry, that came out a little bit wrong. I mean fox-like. Like Brushtail, or something like that. Though, of course, the surnames of the whole lot are subject to debate. Why are the family of mooses (the spellchecker is informing me that is an incorrect spelling, though quite what the plural of moose is, I don't know - meece? Moosi? I mean, you know what I mean, and that's all I ask.) given the surname of Moss, unless it is a particularly unamusing (another made up word from yours truly) pun on the pronunciation of 'moose'. And why are the brown bears (who, let it be pointed out, make up a really large family) given the surname of Timbertop? Although, this is slightly dodgy territory now, as it won't be long before I'm emailed by hordes of irate Sylvanian families fans demanding "Well, why is your surname Morton?" to which I will only respond "Because my father's surname is Morton, and so was his father's, et cetera, et cetera" (full Latin spelling to overwhelm the stupid among my detractors, who, let it be pointed out here, are all particularly stupid), so don't even bother.
Right, well, I fear it is time to draw this little missive to a close now. I apologise if it has seemed particularly unfocused, but that's just how I feel tonight. All those memories of never playing with Sylvanian families have just overwhelmed me.