- by Owen Morton
Some people may be dubious of believing that Spider Solitaire is the greatest computer game ever, as it is advertised above (or more accurately, posited above, since there is a question mark, after all). However, I think that I can make the case quite well that there has never been a better game marketed for computers. I think this because I've had too much to drink over the last few days and it has numbed my brain cells, but I think it nonetheless.
For those of you who aren't lucky enough to have Windows ME Edition, on which I believe Spider Solitaire first appeared, I will here describe the game to you (but not in detail, because I can't be bothered). There are three settings to play on: Easy, Medium and Difficult. In Easy, the game will revolve around eight sets of the spade suit; in Medium, around four sets of the spade suit and four of the heart suit; and in Difficult, around two sets of each suit. The object is to get rid of all the cards. This is done by playing like normal Solitaire, though in this version it is permitted to put cards of the same colour and/or suit on top of one another. When you have a full column from King to Ace of one suit, it will whoosh to the bottom of the screen and those cards will no longer be in play. Once you have done this for all the cards, you have won. A typical screenshot from the Medium level of difficulty is shown here:
Okay, so it's a little squashed, but I wasn't going to upload a huge great full-size picture and chew up all my remaining webspace, was I, really? You can see the basic idea from the picture, and that's all I ask.
Well, now you all understand the game, after a fashion, I will presume that you are all asking what's so good about it. And, to give a thoroughly surprising answer, I don't actually know. However, there must be either something really good about it or something really wrong with me, because this simple game is perfectly capable of keeping me entertained for hours on end. And I mean hours. There have been days when I have done little other than eat, drink, sleep and play Spider Solitaire. This is no longer an option, regrettably, because if the philistines on my corridor catch me playing it, I come under heavy fire from them for wasting my time. To which I generally reply, "I'm a history student; what do you expect me to do?" However, their comments have begun to cut me deep, and now I can't play it without feeling some stab of guilt. Writing about the game, however, has not been forbidden by the Anti-Fun League, and so I can get some small satisfaction from doing this. (And, of course, I had to play a game to get the above screenshot, so I had an excuse!)
I will now start my comparison between Spider Solitaire and other computer games, and try to justify my position using the conclusions I come to.
Classic Solitaire: This is actually the game that comes closest to rivalling Spider Solitaire for sheer playability, but Spider Solitaire has the edge over Classic because Classic gets you frustrated if you play with Vegas rules and win, on account of the computer not paying you the money you have won! This is clearly cheating us out of our hard-gotten gains. What's the use of having money on our computer that we win through playing Solitaire that we then can't use? None. Thank you. Spider Solitaire, on the other hand, doesn't purport to give you anything except a fireworks display and a little jolt of pleasure if you win. Thus Spider Solitaire wins out in this regard.
Minesweeper: Minesweeper too is quite good, but it loses out to Spider Solitaire in that it requires a little too much rational thought. You can play Spider Solitaire when you're tired (so long as you put it on Easy) and still win. I have only ever won Expert Minesweeper about two times, and Beginner is hard enough.
Freecell: Actually, I don't play this one. I've seen my sister play it, though, and it looks boring.
Hearts: This is a game you can play if you're trying to do something else at the same time, like wait for an internet site to load up. In this respect, at least, it is better than Spider Solitaire because you seem to have to devote your full time and attention to Spider. But for sheer addictiveness, it doesn't even come close.
Return to Castle Wulfenstein: I mention this game only because it's the one that most people on my corridor seem to like playing the most right now. However, as far as I can see, there's nothing remotely special about it. How can going round shooting people be compared to the peaceful pastime of arranging cards in pretty and numerical patterns? It can't. And Spider Solitaire's detractors say that Return to Castle Wulfenstein is better because you see Himmler at the end, to which I reply, "Why see Himmler when you can see the pretty fireworks?" I don't mention the jolt of pleasure I get from completing a game, though, because I am lucid enough most of the time to realise that this would get me locked up.
Worms: Worms is all right for a while, though a very little while, but it gets repetitive after that time. All you are doing is blowing your opponents up. When I level this criticism at it, some people say that in Spider Solitaire all I'm doing is moving cards around. To which I reply, "Quite right. Your point being?" which confuses them for long enough for me to run back to my room, slam the door and load up Spider Solitaire. Ah! The unequalled bliss of playing Spider Solitaire! Nothing beats it!
I can't think of any more games to talk about, so I'll wind that section of the article up in the secure and correct belief that I have proved without a doubt that Spider Solitaire is better than any of these games, hands down. But there is an interesting point that I think I should bring up: if you too are a Spider Solitaire addict, it is possible to go for quite a long time without playing it. I went for at least two weeks without playing it towards the end of last term, when the insults of my corridor-mates became too much to take. So it is possible to break the habit. However, the question I will leave you with is: why, why, WHY would you want to?