- by Owen Morton
For no readily apparent reason, I got up this morning at 9.20. Those who are familiar with BBC2’s scheduling will realise that this left me with a good fifteen minutes to get dressed (not an unachievable objective) before Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles came on. To watch Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles is not an opportunity I regularly get, largely because I don’t tend to get up before 11, or if I do, I go to work at about 8.30. Therefore, I thought that today I would take this god-given chance to relive my youth in yet another way. This, of course, meant watching the Turtles.
It’s been five or six years since I saw an episode of the Turtles, and things aren’t the same, at least in my memory. Even in the period of about ten years when I didn’t see a single episode of He-Man, I could still remember all the voices and writing style. Clearly the Turtles didn’t ingrain itself so deeply into my mind, since on this occasion, nothing (apart from Krang, whose voice no one could ever forget) seemed particularly familiar. It probably didn’t help that today’s episode was one of the more weird ones.
‘Shredderville’ begins with the Turtles returning to their lair and informing Master Splinter that Shredder got away, even though they did actually foil his plan, whatever that was. For some reason, this has demoralised them to the extent that they wonder whether it would have been better if they’d never even existed. This is overkill, if you ask me. Maybe it would be vaguely justified if Shredder had actually won, but they beat him – they just let him get away. Anyway, they should know better than to wonder things like that in a cartoon series, and indeed, Splinter does caution them to “be careful what you wish for, you might just get it.”
The next morning, they all wake up in the sewers, but their lair has gone. It’s all most upsetting. In an attempt to find out what’s going on, they climb out of the sewers and start wandering around New York City, which is in a severe state of disrepair, and the sky is polluted to the extent that it’s gone red. They even hear loudspeakers on every corner telling them that “Mutants are the enemy.” Donatello is particularly concerned about the fact that they are walking around without their disguises, though I’d say this isn’t much of a problem, considering the ineffectual nature of their disguises. I mean, a long brown overcoat and a pork pie hat? This is enough to convince the general public that they aren’t mutated turtles? I’d say it merely convinces the public that they’re mutated turtles wearing overcoats and hats.
Anyway, the Turtles are sufficiently worried about this to head to Dave’s Disguises, where they attempt to buy a pair of Mickey Mouse ears for Leonardo (I’m not lying, this is the only attempt at a disguise they deem necessary), but the shopkeeper first off won’t accept their money because it doesn’t have pictures of Shredder on it, informing them that this is Shredderville, and second off won’t serve them anyway because they’re mutants. Then he chases them out of the building, and they all run to the Channel 6 building to find their friends April and Irma. They do find them, admittedly, though in a rather disturbing fashion. April and Irma, who are dressed in a manner presumably intended to be sexually provocative, say that they’re the harem girls of Bebop and Rocksteady, with all the unfortunate implications that has. Then Bebop and Rocksteady themselves show up, but they’re not a warthog and a rhino – they’re human! They’re still pretty stupid, though, and in fairly short order the Turtles manage to roll them up in a carpet and put them down the laundry chute.
The Turtles then run away again, via a window, and see the Technodrome in the distance. So along they go, and meet a boy called Zack, who they claim is the fifth turtle. This is either a reference to another episode which I’m unaware of, or just randomness. At any rate, they rescue him from a rock soldier who was attacking him, and in return, he manages to get them some disguises. They’re slightly better disguises than usual (i.e. they include beards and sunglasses), but there’s still no hiding the fact that the Turtles have green faces. Still, it’s good enough to fool the rock soldier guard, who lets them in.
Once inside, they find their old friend Krang, who tells them that he’s not in charge anymore – it’s Shredder who’s the one to watch out for. He also says that Shredder’s government is in the Channel 6 building and rather enigmatically adds, “Where else?” I can think of numerous locations which would have been better than the Channel 6 building, but that’s neither here nor there. Anyway, off they go again, back to the Channel 6 building, where they meet April and Irma again, and convince them that they’re goodies, somehow. Still in disguise, Leonardo and Raphael get dragged away by some rock soldiers to watch a stupid TV programme called ‘The Shredder Show’. Displaying a total lack of regard for any form of subtlety, Leonardo leaps up about two seconds into this programme and announces that he’s one of the Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles and that Shredder is the enemy. Oddly enough, he gets attacked, as does Raphael, who joins in mere seconds later. Donatello and Michaelangelo show up from wherever they’ve been, and our four heroes are looking like they’re really in trouble, when suddenly April and Irma dangle ropes to them and rescue them, for no readily apparent reason.
The six of them decide that it’s time to see Shredder, and so they try to find his office. They meet Bebop and Rocksteady again along the way, and are well on the way to being defeated because none of their weapons work (a circumstance explained only by, “Well, this is Shredderville,” which doesn’t make much sense to me), when suddenly and fortuitously (though without any given reason) the roof falls in on Bebop and Rocksteady’s heads.
Shredder’s office has doors made of solid bronze a foot thick, or so Donatello says, and that’s presumably why it’s so easy for Michaelangelo to knock them over by merely leaning on them. Inside, Shredder is dressed like a businessman, and is most distressed by how hard it is for him to run everything. He doesn’t act anything like the proper Shredder. Then the Turtles find themselves falling down big pits in the ground which appeared for no particular reason, then they all wake up and discover they’ve all been having the same dream. Splinter then reiterates his lesson from earlier – “be careful what you wish for, you might just get it” – and stands back looking stupidly smug.
This is probably the worst ever episode of Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles. Its ending is a complete copout (oh, they were just dreaming, it’s all okay), we don’t get to see any actual stupid battles between Shredder and the Turtles, Shredder and Krang have none of their usual arrogance, and Bebop and Rocksteady aren’t even proper mutants! The episode isn't bad in a funny way, it's just bad. The only good thing about this episode is the point at which Michaelangelo says he’d like a large fudge-filled pizza, which allows us all to ridicule the Turtles for being the complete weirdos they obviously are.
It’s apparently on again tomorrow at the same time. I might watch it. But if I do, I expect it to be infinitely better.