- by Owen Morton
With a website that seems to delight in immaturity as much as this one does, the time is long overdue for an article that focuses on a certain postman. If you've got more than half a brain, you'll have guessed which one by now.
What I can tell you about Postman Pat is that I can't remember very many facts about him. I am reliably informed that when I was substantially younger than (and thus not as wise as) I am now, I went around telling people that Postman Pat had AIDS, and that he got it from Mrs. Goggins, the postmistress. As far as I am aware, this is not an established part of Postman-Pattian lore, but it leads us into the article in a truly amusing way, don't you agree?
Having got into the article, though, I'm really not sure what to do now. I could try suggesting that Postman Pat rarely did the things that a postman usually does (such as, oh, posting letters, perhaps). He instead preferred to spend his time doing other (admittedly helpful) things in his small community of Greendale, such as stopping vicars going to London, accidentally sledging down hills, and, of course, catching STDs from the postmistress.
It's perhaps just as well that he chose to spend his time in this manner, though, otherwise the programme would never really have got off the ground. Despite the notorious thickness of TV executives during the 80s (I mean, they licensed programmes like He-Man: they'd have to be stupid), even they weren't stupid enough to give the 'go' signal to a programme which, every week, featured a postman just posting letters. The writers of Postman Pat doubtless realised that this (which was probably the first draft of the programme) was a non-starter, and altered the formula accordingly.
The problem with the programme - as far as I can remember; I haven't actually seen it for several years - was that Pat never posted any letters. Occasionally, he would drive up to the post box (which was, as far as I could tell, interestingly positioned somewhere a considerable distance outside the village) and get the letters out of it, then drive off again in his red van, but I don't remember a single instance in which he would actually post said letters through anyone's door. The theme tune claimed,
There'll be a knock, ring, letters through your door!
but this never ever happened. Pat always got distracted by something else, something much more interesting, which could be anything from a freak weather condition to an imminent visit of the vicar's sister.
It is of course possible that Postman Pat was intended to represent the archetypal Royal Mail postman: very pleasant, but doesn't actually do anything. Or perhaps he's supposed to be the institution of the Royal Mail itself, to which the same description could apply. Letters don't get delivered, but the local postman is always happy to help with any other matter which you need sorting out. If he's got time later, he might pop into the post office, if only to discuss the upcoming appointment at the AIDS clinic with the postmistress.
Obviously, of course, something was right with the programme, because it is still broadcast now (admittedly on BBC Choice, but the fact remains that it's still on), as opposed to most of the other TV programmes that graced my youth, like He-Man, Thundercats and even Thomas the Tank Engine. So what made Postman Pat so popular?
It might be that the characters were so damn likeable. The simple Postman Pat, the rascally Peter Fogg, who was always up to some form of scam (okay, so I made that up), the useful Ted Handyman (if that was his name, and if it was, it was a cunning play on the character Ted Sandyman in the Lord of the Rings) who was a handyman, the snobbish Miss Hubbard (who as I recall didn't even have a dog and was quite possibly not even called Miss Hubbard), the kindly Reverend Timms (who was as nice as people who try to get you to go to organised brainwashing sessions in churches can be) and the promiscuous Mrs. Goggins. Among this list of saintly personages, there must be one who was responsible for the shooting of JFK. But the question is, which one?
I think we can safely discount Pat himself. The question of motive would have to come into play here, and I think we'd all agree that there is no reason whatsoever a mailman in a sleepy English village would want to assassinate the President of the USA.
Peter Fogg presents us with a few more difficulties. Let us assume that he did more than drive his tractor around Greendale and block the roads when Pat wanted to drive his bright red van down them. Let us, in fact, suggest, that Peter Fogg wasn't a farmer at all, more a back yard nuclear missiles manufacturer, which he was selling to the USSR who were placing them in a certain strategic position i.e. Cuba. Now further to this, let us suggest that JFK had found out about this innocent little profit-making activity of Peter Fogg's, and had resolved to put a stop to it. Can you see now why Peter Fogg might want to shoot JFK?
But before we start jumping to conclusions and accusing a possibly innocent man, we should consider the equally difficult case of Ted Handyman. Ted Handyman had a moustache. JFK didn't. If Ted Handyman were psychopathic, therefore, he might have decided that anyone who didn't have a moustache was due a good shooting, starting with Presidents of the USA. You see, it all makes perfect sense.
But there is the outside possibility that it was neither of these two unsavoury fellows. Miss Hubbard is equally likely to have fired the fatal bullet. You see, she was so quintessentially English that she might not have been able to cope with the way the British Empire was collapsing around its own ears, and was apoplectic with rage that it was America now taking the lead in the world. With this in mind, it is perfectly plausible that she might have sought to restore Britain to its rightful position as dominant over the USA by shooting the latter's President.
And Reverend Timms. Well, I don't think I need to say any more than that you can never trust men of the cloth. You never know what secret conspiracies and political skulduggery they're up to. I wouldn't put anything past this one.
Lastly, we come to Mrs. Goggins. What motive could she have for wishing the death of JFK? It is a little-known fact that in her youth, Mrs. Goggins was spurned as a lover of JFK, and she vowed revenge. It is plain to anyone that taking a bullet through the head is ample revenge. Mrs. Goggins seems to be implicated as much as, if not more than, all the others.
But before we bundle the whole unwholesome lot of them into the back of a police car and cart them off to the cop shop, we must consider that we're in fact overlooking the most obvious suspect of all.
The assassin of JFK was, in fact, none other than ...
Postman Pat's black and white cat, Jess!
And why should Jess seek to do such a thing, you ask. Well, to be honest, I have absolutely no idea, but I think there's not a great deal of point trying to argue that Jess did do it. I'm getting bored of writing this article now, as you may have realised, and I'm just going to stop now.