- by Peter McDonald
By our resident political commentator, Vladimir 'Lenin' Ilyich Ulyanov, all the way from some glass in Moscow!
Here is my easy to use 10 Step Guide to determining how much of a Nazi Puppet Dictator you are (reproduced by kind permission of 'Political Insecurity Monthly')
1: Have you read, enjoyed but crucially, actually believed any of the following Nazi Textbooks:
a) The Protocols of the Elders of Zion
b) Mein Kampf
c) The Daily Mail
d) The Ladybird Guide to Racially Motivated Mass Propagandic Hysteria Exploiting Power Politics?
2: Do you live in an impoverished Eastern Europe Country in the middle of the last Century, one possibly in close proximity to Germany? If so, do you rule it?
3: Do you frequently have people shot because you've run out of knitting wool, or bits of paper to make paper Stukas with?
4: Do you think swastikas are good? (You really shouldn't, you know)
5: Have you betrayed all the principles that decent examples of humanity try to uphold?
6: When singing, do you have a tendency to wear lederhosen?
7: When wearing lederhosen, do you have a tendency to invade other countries?
8: Do you scream every now and then at random in otherwise normal conversations, just to keep people on their toes?
9: Do you think communism is a hand with claws trying to strangle you rather than a concept?
10: Do you say things like "I'm not a Eugenicist. Some of my best friends have slightly impure genealogies. I know. I've checked."?
If you answered yes to:
0-1 of these questions - You haven't been trying hard enough. However, look on the bright side - you may be lazy, but at least you're not a Nazi Puppet Dictator!
1-3 of these questions - It seems to me you do have a slight Nazi streak, probably an arm, or possibly a section of your tongue. Buy heavy duty restraints to tie these parts of your body down, so they won't start giving salutes at inopportune moments, or saying sentences that are just plain wrong.
3-6 of these questions - I'd be worrying more if I'd got 3-6 than if I'd got 1-3, put it that way - seek help at your local Maoist club, read something by a reliable old lefty like Tony Benn, or Kinnock, or Trotsky. Calm down, and remember how nice your childhood was, (if it wasn't make a nice one up), imagine fascism/Nazism as being as far away from childhood as possible and you'll be cured or insane. Though you have a good chance of being insane anyway because you scored a distinctly foul 3-6.
6-9 of these questions - Jefuckingsus Chrfuckingist! Christ on a crucifix you ARE right wing! Y'know I said earlier that restraining parts of your body is a good way of resolving your problem? Well, that's for 1-3ers, mate - 6-9ers have to chop bits off, I'm afraid. Well, you deserve what you get, really, don't you? I mean, even if you were taking the piss by answering yes to so many questions, you deserve to go through the 'Body Reorganisation Process' just to teach you a lesson. In fact, you should chop more bits off for taking my light-hearted yet deeply serious questionnaire in vain! Burn! Burn! Buuuuuuurn!
10 of these questions - You know what your problem is? You're a Nazi Puppet Dictator, that's what! Take my advice - don't be one.
So, there you go. Don't be put off to go and get involved in some revolutionary activities now! Oh yeah, that's the way ...