- by Owen Morton
In the 21st century that we now, as we all know, live in, it is essential to remember that religion still plays a very important part in our lives. For me personally, it is very important that I should be able to think of a good excuse to not go to church every week (for now that I have returned from university, this wonderful proposal is put to me again). Others might find religion important for other reasons. But it occurred to me today that the teaching of mathematics is quite sensitive religion-wise: there are some things in the syllabus that could quite easily be regarded as sacrilegious. That word has all the vowels in it, you know. But anyway, I thought that the more sensitive parts of the syllabus could be easily omitted in order not to offend the more religious children in the class (and more importantly, their parents, since that’s where the money comes from, he says, cynically), but it would not cause any major gaps in the mathematical awareness of the children involved. Obviously, at later levels of schooling, such as A-level and university courses, the sensitive areas would have to be introduced, to give the students a well-rounded idea of mathematical theory. But up to GCSE, which is compulsory for all pupils, there is no need to potentially offend children by discussing the offensive areas of mathematics. Students considering the selection of Mathematics for A-level would have to understand that it might include some work of a more sensitive nature. Those who couldn’t cope with this idea would have to take other subjects.
So here are my top tips for avoiding sacrilege in the teaching of mathematics:
1. Avoid mentioning the numbers 3 or 12 in anything less than entirely reverent tones – 3 is a sacred number because there were three incarnations of God (the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit) and 12 is so because there were twelve disciples of the afore-mentioned Son. However, if it cannot be avoided that the number 12 be used in a tone of non-reverence, make it clear that it is the twelfth number itself that is to blame, for Judas was the twelfth disciple, and he was a traitor to the Son. It is completely unacceptable to mention 3 as anything less than marvellous, since there is absolutely nothing wrong with either the Father, the Son or the Holy Spirit, although the former does tend to occasionally overdo it in the dramatic vengeance department (in light of which, perhaps I should stop right here. But hey, when you’ve started inspiring biblical wrath, why stop?)
2. Don’t mention the number 324 either, since Hymn Number 324 in the New English Hymnal Book has recently been discovered to have been originally written in praise of Satan, and moreover isn’t all that good anyway. If 324 must be uttered, make sure you have an expression of absolute disgust and pure loathing on your face as you do so, and be certain that your pupils understand why and will in future do likewise when 324 is mentioned.
3. The number 5000 must be stressed as a remarkable one, because the Son managed to spread 3 loaves and 5 fishes (or it might have been 5 loaves and 3 fishes; I don’t know because I don’t have a Bible to hand and even if I did, I wouldn’t know where to begin looking for this story) between that many people. And while we’re on the subject, 3 and 5 must also be stressed as remarkable for the same reason (but remember, do not overstress 3 in this aspect, for it is respectable enough in that it is, obviously, the number of the Trinity).
4. 2 is also an important number in religious terms because that’s how many table tennis balls I dropped in church one fine Sunday many years ago before my mother twigged that I wasn’t entirely paying attention to the riveting service and confiscated the remainder of the pack. But it may not be entirely necessary to bear this in mind when constructing a new mathematics syllabus.
5. As mentioned a couple of points ago, 5 is an important number, and I am stressing this again now because I think that’s also as many points as you can possibly get out of an article like this one.
And there you go! Just by omitting mention of or being properly respectful of (whichever is the more appropriate) these numbers, you can make your mathematics classes a safe, happy and not godless place.