- by Owen Morton
I’ve actually been meaning to write an article about The Lord of the Rings for an awfully long time. In fact, just after the Harry Potter article back in November 2001, I started writing one, but it just didn’t work, and I abandoned it (yes, I do have some standards for quality control on this website – admittedly, not very high ones, as recent articles perhaps suggest, but they are there nonetheless). I tried again just after Christmas last year, when I’d just seen The Two Towers, but once again I found it very difficult to do. The problem is, I actually liked the films, especially The Two Towers, so it was hard to criticise them in any way, except by using my perhaps too-extensive knowledge of The Lord of the Rings as a novel and the 1980s radio series, which would have just made me look very sad.
Anyway, I finally come to write my first Lord of the Rings article. It is in fact the manuscript of a lost scene from the first film, The Fellowship of the Ring, which – for some reason or another – didn’t quite make it into the final edit of the film. A few weeks ago, I bought my dad the extended version of The Fellowship of the Ring for his birthday, which contains a full thirty minutes of footage which didn’t make the final cut. Perhaps this scene has been restored there.
As far as I can make out, this scene fits into the bit where Saruman is creating new Orcs. Just after the birth of the Orcs, they are taken into some form of classroom and given such an education as they need, by Saruman’s lieutenant, Ugluk.
UGLUK: All right, all right, you horrible little lot, sit down. Sit down, Snaga! … Right, get out your textbooks and – yes, what is it, Grishnakh?
GRISHNAKH: Sir, please, sir –
UGLUK: Don’t say ‘please’, Grishnakh. It’s not polite.
GRISHNAKH: Sorry, sir. I –
UGLUK: And don’t say ‘sorry’ either. What would your mother say if she heard you using words like that?
GRISHNAKH: I don’t know, sir.
UGLUK: Exactly. Now, what was it you wanted?
GRISHNAKH: Which textbook did you want us to use, sir?
UGLUK: ‘Learning To Engage In Unpleasant Behaviour, Volume II’. All right, class, turn to page 34. At the end of – what is it now, Grishnakh?
GRISHNAKH: I can’t find my textbook, sir.
UGLUK: Share with Shagrat, then. Now, turn to –
SHAGRAT: I can’t find my textbook either, sir.
UGLUK: See me afterwards, you two. You are deliberately disrupting my class. You’ve obviously been taking in the lessons on Disrespect To Authority Figures. I shall be recommending your good work to the headmaster. Now, if you could get yourselves some spare books from the cupboard, we can continue.
[GRISHNAKH and SHAGRAT get up and collect spare books from the cupboard at the back, then reseat themselves.]
UGLUK: Right. Turn to page 34. If you’ll recall, last lesson we finished the chapter on Maiming Frogs For Sport. I hope you’ve all done your homework?
[The class produce frogs in various states of disrepair. UGLUK tours the classroom, examining each one in turn.]
UGLUK: Good … good … oh, very imaginative, Gorbag, well done … good … that’s very good, Lurtz … what about you, Snaga?
SNAGA: Sir?
UGLUK: Where’s your homework?
SNAGA: I, er, didn’t do it, sir.
UGLUK: You didn’t do it? And may I ask why not?
SNAGA: I don’t think maiming frogs is very sporting, sir.
[The class laughs.]
UGLUK: Don’t laugh, class, it’s not funny, it’s just silly. Snaga, you’ll have to stay in at lunchtime and learn how to maim frogs properly.
[UGLUK returns to the front of the classroom.]
UGLUK: Right, our next chapter is ‘Murder, Kidnap, Pillage and Conservatism’. Snaga, since you seem to think maiming frogs isn’t down your street, perhaps this will be more to your liking. Could you read the first few paragraphs for me?
SNAGA: Yes, sir. [reads] Murder, kidnap, pillage and Conservatism. The four pillars of destroying a society. We will deal first with murder. Murder refers to –
[The door of the classroom opens, and MAUHUR enters.]
SNAGA: – the unlawful killing of someone –
MAUHUR: Excuse me, sir, but Saruman sent me to tell you that you are needed at Orthanc immediately.
UGLUK: Thank you, Mauhur. All right, class, we’ll have to wrap it up a little earlier this week than usual, but if you could finish reading that chapter for me, and for your homework, I want you to murder someone. Dismissed.
[UGLUK and MAUHUR leave. The class packs up and does likewise.]
I don’t know why this scene wasn’t included in the film. The minds of Hollywood producers are strange indeed.