- last updated 23rd October 2009
Well, Heath the Rat’s Silly Page is back. It’s been a nearly three year hiatus, hasn’t it? It’s not something I’m particularly proud of, being honest. So much has happened that Heath the Rat’s Silly Page has been pushed to one side. How I could have come up with more important things to spend my time on is beyond me, really. But I am back now, and willing to write at least two articles this year to make Heath the Rat’s Silly Page’s slow death just that little bit more lingering.
In such a vast space of time, it is not at all surprising that I might have changed a little, due to experience, due to having, perhaps, grown up a little. I can’t remember the last time I watched He-Man, an admission which is profoundly disturbing. Have I perhaps matured? Yes, I think I have. I’m no longer a carefree student who thinks he’s cynical and jaded. I’m now a careful civil servant who is cynical, jaded, and – more than this – world-weary.
So how has it come to this? What are the terrifying events in my life which have led from my happy existence as a student who works in the famous Nottingham Library in my holidays, to my current situation as a civil servant? (I’ve got to be careful what I say about my current job, because people have been sacked for being less than discreet about what they think of their job on sites like Facebook and Twitter – and although I suspect this scrutiny does not extend to websites like this, it never hurts to be careful.)
Well, to fill you in on the gaps, I’ve decided to pretend that I have been interviewed by Thomas the Tank Engine, who in between irrelevant digressions about getting fish stuck in his boiler and outbursts of vicious racism directed at diesel engines, has kindly consented to help reveal the truth behind three formative years in my life.
THOMAS: So, Owen, what have you been up to recently? Peep peep!
OWEN: Not a lot really, Thomas. How about you?
THOMAS: Oh, well, I’ve done a lot. I transported a freight train full of special coal for James right over from the Welsh mountains, and it was pretty difficult getting that over the sea to the Isle of Sodor, given I’m a train, I can tell you! I’ve got a funny story about that, actually, which perhaps I can tell you. Well, you know how I’m a train? And you know how rails don’t go across the sea? Well, I couldn’t get across! The Fat Controller hadn’t anticipated that, of course – it took all my cleverness to think of a way across! And you know how I did it?
OWEN: No.
THOMAS: Neither do I. I don’t think even the Reverend W H Audry knew, frankly. He glossed over that bit. But when I was back, it was great! James was so pleased to have special coal. He needed it, you know, because he’s got a delicate constitution. Not like resilient little engines like me. You know, we smaller engines are so much better than the bigger ones, because we’re more adaptable and can just do so much more and everything, you know, we’re just plain better, you know?
OWEN: Well, no, I didn’t know that, Thomas.
THOMAS: Oh yes, definitely, we are. Didn’t you ever read the books? Or watch the television programme?
OWEN: Actually, I did, Thomas. When I was little I loved both. I watched it every day and read seventeen of the books every night. I even had Thomas the Tank Engine wallpaper. But when I got tonsillitis, it didn’t mix too well with the wallpaper, and I got these terrifying hallucinations that you and Gordon and Henry were all shouting at me from the walls. So I’m not actually so fond of you as once I was.
THOMAS: Yeah, well, that’s great, Owen, but really, we’re supposed to be talking about what you’ve done in the last three years, so unless that stupid incident was in that timeframe, I’m not really interested.
OWEN: Sorry, Thomas.
THOMAS: Quite right too. Honestly, you humans have no conception of how to keep to the subject.
OWEN: I suppose you could say we go off the rails easily.
THOMAS: Yes, you could. That’s another reason we small engines are better than everything else in the entire world. We’re able to keep to the subject with considerable ease. I knew an engine who didn’t keep to the subject once, but he didn’t last long. He ended up on the scrap heap. He was so rubbish he didn’t even get a name. He can be seen in the first picture of the first Thomas the Tank Engine book, and he’s in the shed along with Gordon and Henry, back when Henry was blue. But he was so rubbish that he couldn’t keep to the subject, unlike me, and so the Fat Controller just took him down to the scrap heap one day and scrapped him, there and then! It wasn’t a pretty sight, I can tell you, but as the Fat Controller often tells me, “A controller’s gotta do what a controller’s gotta do,” and I think what he means by that is that a controller is supposed to control, and part of control is scrapping engines that aren’t up to scratch, so that’s –
OWEN: Thomas, I thought this interview was supposed to be about me and my difficult last three years.
THOMAS: It is, what did you think we were talking about?
OWEN: Well, it sounded like you were wasting precious webspace developing the character of an engine whose existence has hitherto only been noticed by a few Thomas the Tank Engine fanatics.
THOMAS: Well, it’s all connected, innit? The whole world is interconnected, if you ask me. There’s connections from everything to everything else, if you only care to look for them. I mean, I mean, take two totally random examples, like, like, I dunno, Johnny Cash and Vauxhall Cavaliers. If you just take the time to look for it, there’s a connection, isn’t there? I mean, just think, Johnny Cash, it’s cash, like money, you use money to buy things, you know, like cars, and the Vauxhall Cavalier is a car, isn’t it? So everything’s all linked together, isn’t it?
OWEN: Well, that link’s pretty tenuous, if you ask me, Thomas.
THOMAS: Well, I didn’t ask you, did I?
OWEN: Well, perhaps you ought to be asking me things. This is an interview, after all.
THOMAS: All right, all right. So you haven’t been doing much lately?
OWEN: Not really, no.
THOMAS: Yeah, well that’s great. What am I supposed to work with there? You’re not giving me much to ask you to elaborate on.
OWEN: Sorry, Thomas. I suppose I can’t say much more, because I’ve been sworn to secrecy by various intelligence services.
THOMAS: Really? Which ones?
OWEN: The most important one was Iceland’s secret service.
THOMAS: I didn’t know Iceland even had a secret service.
OWEN: Just shows how successful they’ve been at keeping secrets.
THOMAS: Very good point, Owen. I think I might spin my eyes round my sockets now and say peep peep! So, is there anything you are at liberty to discuss today?
OWEN: Well, yes there is actually, Thomas. I’ve had my debut album out just this week. The NME said it was “brilliant, inspirational music, the sort of debut album that only comes along once in a decade”, and they gave it 9 out of 10. But then they say that about a different band every week, don’t they? I think a more balanced review would probably be the one the Guardian gave, and they said “rubbish”, which I think is fair.
THOMAS: I’m not at all interested, Owen.
OWEN: Oh. Oh well.
THOMAS: So thanks very much, Owen. It’s been great having you here on the show tonight, and I believe you’re going to use this interview’s transcript as a way to revive your long-dead website. Well, good luck with that, and I think we’ve successfully explored your life since you last wrote an article. So goodbye. I hope we can’t have you on the show again soon.