- by Owen Morton
We children of the ’80s had it lucky, you know. We grew up with such classics as He-Man and Thundercats to keep us entertained, and these programmes always did just that. And our reading material was no less stimulating: we’ve only just discussed Puddle Lane, and there was also Thomas the Tank Engine (which, yes, were originally books, not television), all of which taught us quite admirably how to read. I mean, look at us now. We can read, can’t we? And we enjoyed learning, didn’t we?
If you grew up in the ’50s or ’60s, though, it would be a different story. Most specifically, it wouldn’t be a story at all, what you learned to read with, if the text that I have recently acquired is anything to go by. I have here in my grubby little paws a 32 page monstrosity entitled ‘Here We Go’ and advertises itself as being one of the Janet and John books. And all I can say, having glanced through it, is if you tried to learn to read using this, you’d end up probably with terminal brain damage.
Just so you know what we’re up against, I have decided to here reproduce the entire text of the book, though sadly I can’t include the pictures as well. Don’t worry, the lack of pictures serves only to enhance the fascinating text. So, without irony, I will now say here we go: the text is as follows.
“Janet
John
Come, John, come.
Look, John, look.
Come, John. Come and look.
See the boats. Look, John. See the boats.
Janet, Janet. See the boats. Come and look. See the boats.
Little dog
Come, little dog. Come. Come and look.
Janet, Janet. Come and look. See the little dog.
Run. Run, little dog. Look, Janet. See the little dog.
Look here.
Come here, John. Come here. See the little dog.
Look, John. Look down here. Look down.
Janet, look. Look up. Look up here.
Come here. Come and see. See the aeroplane. Janet, look. Up, up, up.
See my aeroplane. Up, up, up. Look, Janet. See my aeroplane. Down.
Come and see.
See the kitten. Come and see. See the kitten, Janet. One little kitten.
I see two kittens. Look, John. See the two kittens. Look down here.
Janet, Janet. Come here. I see three kittens. One, two, three.
Come and play.
Come, John. Come and play. One, two, three. Here I go.
Come, little dog. Come and play. Come and jump. Jump.
Look, Janet. Here I go. I can jump down. One, two, three. Jump.
Janet, John and the horse
John, John. I can ride. See my horse. See my horse. I can ride my horse.
Look, Janet. I can go up. Here I go.
I can jump down. Here I come. One, two, three. Jump.”
The book then concludes with a page which I assume was aimed at adults, as it is headed with the word ‘Vocabulary’, which the authors presumably assumed was beyond the capability of their intended audience. Cunningly, the final page does include a vocabulary, in the form of listing every word used in the book, firstly in the order in which they were used in the book, then in alphabetical order. Quite why this is necessary I don’t really know. Perhaps adults buying the book were supposed to scan this page quickly to make sure there were no inappropriate words in it, before going off to inflict it on their children.
Seriously, what I wrote up there is the entire text of ‘Here We Go’. If I had been forced to learn to read using this, I can fairly safely say I wouldn’t have been interested. Nothing exciting happens in the book. As far as I can make out, it follows the ‘adventures’ of two mentally challenged children, Janet and John, as they walk about and find things which are extremely commonplace, then explain them to each other in mind-numbingly annoying fashion. Endless repetition also seems to be the order of the day.
The problem is, with such a boring book, there’s little I can actually say about it. It’s not bad in a stupid way, which I could criticise at length – it’s just bad in a boring way, and I’m bored now of even writing about it. So I’m going to stop now.