Okay, so, following the shock revelation at the end of yesterday’s article (the revelation that the staff of He-Man.org are not lying lunatics, but it was in fact my own computer preventing me from listening to the Castle Grayskull story), I spent some time gently coaxing Windows 7 to allow me to listen to the audio file. This I have now done, and although my life is not, I have to admit, richly enhanced by the experience, I feel compelled to tell you about it.
The audio file starts with an overly enthusiastic American saying, “This is your MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE STORYBOOK! Every time you hear this sound –” (There is a noise that sounds comfortingly like a He-Man episode sound effect.) “– it means it’s time to turn the page in your storybook.” This is presumably for the benefit of readers so stupid that they don’t realise they’ve reached the end of a page, so they have to have an audio prompting. It does occur that the “pyong” sound effect is a trifle ambiguous for people this stupid, though – a more appropriate sound effect might be a man saying, “TURN THE PAGE, MORONS!” The suspicion that this sound effect is included for dimwits is reinforced by the fact that the very same instruction (“turn the page when you hear this sound”) is repeated within 15 seconds.
No matter. On with the story. There’s first some massively cool 80s music, of the sort that makes you glad you were too young then to partake of popular musical culture. Then there’s a description of Castle Grayskull, in which the narrator discusses this location as if it really exists. One could be forgiven for listening to this with half an ear and thinking that some exotic locale in Liechtenstein or somewhere was being described. After a “pyong” sound, the narrator continues to describe Castle Grayskull. Judging by the progress bar of the audio file, we’re roughly two-fifths of the way through this story now (remember, it is only 7 minutes long), and I was beginning to get the hideous suspicion that the story was going to consist solely of a documentary about Castle Grayskull.
But this was not the case. Before the next “pyong” sound, the narrator explains that Castle Grayskull used to be the beautiful Hall of Elders, where all the culture of Eternia was stored. But one day, a woman in snake armour appeared in the Hall, and warned of trouble ahead. All the while, the 80s music continues to play distractingly in the background. It’s insidious, and is presumably there to annoy you so that you concentrate on the music rather than the drivel the narrator is talking.
But on the next page, I became extremely excited. The narrator finally explained my biggest question about the entire premise of the He-Man series – why the bloody hell did Skeletor want to get into Castle Grayskull? The narrator says that the snake armour woman warned the Council of Elders about Skeletor, but told them that there was hope, as a very powerful individual named He-Man would arise to defend Eternia. I was glazing over at this stage, to be honest – if there’s one person who doesn’t need a summary of He-Man and Skeletor’s rivalry, it’s me – but I sat up and paid attention as the narrator explained that the Council of Elders, thinking that He-Man would need help, combined all their knowledge into an orb. But if Skeletor got hold of this orb, he would gain the power required to take over Eternia!
So finally, I understood. Skeletor kept on trying to get into Castle Grayskull because he wanted to get this orb! This would allow him to rule Eternia. (Why he would want to do that is another matter entirely, and I imagine it’s the sort of thing that will never satisfactorily be explained.) What I don’t understand is why the Council of Elders thought that putting all their knowledge together like this was a good idea. It’s ostensibly to help He-Man, but does anyone remember He-Man ever consulting an orb? No. So basically they did it just to give Skeletor something to aim for.
The rest of the tape is – apart from a frankly loony interlude in which the Hall of Elders is miraculously transformed into a terrifying castle, for no very good reason – given over to a pathetic little summary of the premise of the He-Man cartoon, in which the narrator attempts to convince us that Beast-Man is “fearsome, powerful and cunning”.
So it’s not really a very good tape – there’s no actual story, it just goes on and on about the fact that He-Man will have to defend Castle Grayskull from Skeletor, and that it allegedly won’t be easy (though that is easily disproved by a casual glance at any He-Man episode). But it does contain this precious fragment of knowledge at its centre. Thanks to this tape, I finally know what Skeletor was up to! I reckon I first watched He-Man 23 years ago. It is sobering to think that after almost a quarter of a century, I finally understand the motivation driving one of the most subtle and complex characters ever conceived in the world of fiction – Skeletor.