Hello again, He-Man, my old friend. There was a time when I could barely go a day without writing a new tribute to you on this website. That time was about ten years ago, and one could hope I’ve matured in the intervening period.
Naturally, I haven’t. I may not write about He-Man so often, but a casual look back at this year’s articles shows that of the nine articles so far written, three of them were connected to He-Man in some way. The beautiful obsession lives on.
So, given He-Man is still so incredibly important to me, it would be extremely remiss of me if I didn’t share with you some excellent news which I’ve learnt today. The long-awaited He-Man film has moved another inch forward in its glacial progress towards completion! It’s now got a director, or nearly has. Unfortunately, the director in question is best known for such magnum opuses as Step Up 2 The Streets and some kind of Justin Bieber documentary film. But we won’t dwell on that.
Instead, we’re going to concentrate on what I want to see from the new He-Man film. And it goes without saying that I don’t want to see Monica from Friends in it, and being honest, I could do without Paris from Star Trek: Voyager in it as well.
The He-Man film will be a straight story, involving Skeletor trying to get into Castle Grayskull to unlock the secrets therein, which as always are left entirely unexplained as to why it’s a desirable objective. He-Man will prevent him, and hit him and his collection of morons quite hard, while He-Man’s mates hang around trying to persuade the viewer that they have a purpose being in the film. If absolutely necessary, a little origin story can be indulged in – how did Adam first find out that he had the power?
So, with a simplistic plot like that, the film can barely fail. However, the most important thing in a film like this is the casting. I will here detail my suggestions for the main characters.
My first pick for He-Man is the obvious choice – Jeremy Clarkson. As I say, it’s the obvious choice, but sometimes there’s a reason why choices are obvious. Clarkson has the muscles, the tan, the hair, and most importantly, the smugness.
Before we move on, does anyone else think that that photo of Jeremy Clarkson looks worryingly like a young Stephen Fry gone horribly wrong?
My other choices for He-Man, if Jeremy Clarkson is not available, are Des O’Connor or Madonna.
Now, it’s tempting to suggest someone really stupid to play Skeletor, because this article has thus far only offered sensible opinions. But I think it would cheapen it a little to start being stupid now, so I’m simply going to tell you my first choice for Skeletor. It’s a little left-field, but I think you’ll agree with me: Rupert Penry-Jones.
Now, Rupert Penry-Jones has made a career for himself in Spooks, where he plays a rough tough MI-5 agent, and comes across as incredibly irritating, and in Whitechapel, where he plays an irritating policeman trying to hunt down serial killers who imitate other serial killers in increasingly implausible storylines.
So, you say, he’s irritating. Why then do you want him to play Skeletor?
Because, I reply, he will get merry hell knocked out of him at least three times over the course of the film. Which will serve him right. And it’ll be funny watching Jeremy Clarkson doing it.
My back up choices for Skeletor are Colin Firth or Prunella Scales.
I think I’ve got about as much mileage as possible out of this concept now, and shall end by saying that I hope very much that the film goes ahead without any contributions from the above named individuals, and that I think Orko should be played by Bill Nighy.