- by Owen Morton
It has come to my attention that recently a theory has arisen in He-Man discussion circles that the great man was in fact a badger in disguise. My purpose in writing this article is to make sure everybody knows that this was patently not the case. Those who put the theory about are wrong, entirely, yet they are completely capable of deceiving us if we are not always on our guard. Fortunately, the more extremist theory that He-Man was really a lemur is obviously wrong, to all but those who believe it, who are too set in their ways to ever be persuaded otherwise. Thus I will not have to spend any time in this article disproving that particular theory.
I will first quote the original theory, as put about by those who wish us to suddenly find a lack of direction in our lives because of this great confusion.
For some years now, indeed ever since He-Man and the Masters of the Universe first aired, there has been a general belief that He-Man was exactly what he seemed to be: a superhero who saved Eternia, who sometimes also took on the guise of Prince Adam, the son of the monarchs of that planet. This is exactly the nondescript type of person who all too frequently turns out to be more than they seem. Is it even remotely possible that such an ordinary person wouldn't have their own dirty little secret?
The answer is, of course, no it's not. He-Man was in fact so much more than he appeared on TV. After making a careful study of this, we here at www.he-man-is-a-badger.com have decided that in fact, He-Man was a badger, and the He-Man programme was a carefully disguised allegory for the Badger Liberation Front which became so popular in the USA in the early 1980s.
And that, my friends, is the theory which I am today going to debunk. As you can hopefully see, it is, of course, a load of rubbish. But there are still those who have been convinced. My aim is to stop any more people being taken in by the lie and drawn into the cult of He-Man-Badgerism, a dangerous and fanatical organisation which has already tried more than once to take over the world. It is a system which must by all means be crushed.
Some would argue that they are entitled to their beliefs. This is fair enough. They are of course free to believe what they wish to believe. But they are attempting to spread this dangerous doctrine, in their regular Friday evening meetings in Derwent College Common Room. They put up posters all over the university, with the caption "For those who believe in Badgers before He-Man", enticing more and more innocent students into their den of iniquity. It advertises itself as "a 15 session practical introduction to faith in the belief that He-Man was a badger", yet in reality it is more a dangerous right-wing organisation linked with known fascist racist badgerophilic groups. "Not only does the course condemn those who believe He-Man wasn't a badger, it also condemns those who approve of them", as the student newspaper here on campus, York Vision, aptly put it.
Of course, there is another side to this debate. The He-Man-Badger's Union has effectively been banned as a result of the Students' Union getting involved after complaints from non-badger He-Man supporters. This is clearly going too far on the part of the Students' Union President - who also had the temerity to state "Freedom of speech should not apply on campus". The He-Man-Badger's Union no longer has the right to book rooms, advertise on noticeboards around campus and their existing website is to be shut down. This is a violation of the rights of society. Granted, the He-Man-Badger's Union is an extremely dangerous organisation and it is perhaps morally right to close it down before its followers decide to take action on the basis of its theories; yet in the society that we live the law states that everyone has freedom of expression. If our beloved and most admired Students' Union President wishes for this right to be rescinded, then there is clearly something wrong and we are headed for something much akin to a dictatorship.
Of course, there is a fine line to this debate. Organisations that advocate the exclusion from society of those who think He-Man was not a badger, for example, are clearly wrong, but to ban them outright is also wrong, as everybody is entitled to their opinion. The best solution is perhaps the one which the Students' Union has gone that tiny little bit further than: by banning advertisements of its Badger courses, it is less likely that anyone will be influenced into joining the group and thus it will eventually die out anyway. But to close down entirely the He-Man-Badger's Union, as the Students' Union has effectively done, seems more like the beginning of the end for free expression in this university.
And there you go. By using an intensely subtle allegory, I have set out my feelings on a current debate in the University of York. That's why this article probably makes little sense to anyone outside said institution.