- by Owen Morton
Recently I have received several emails from interested parties who seem to have come across my website while in a search for something else. While it’s always nice to attract visitors to this website, I’m not entirely sure I want the visitors who have come to this website labouring under the misapprehension that it is called www.geocities.com/heat_the_rat.
The distinction is subtle but noticeable. And very important. Here at Heath the Rat’s Silly Page, we do not indulge in the heating of rats. That wouldn’t be nice. And if there’s one thing Heath isn’t, it’s not nice. Or to put it another way, Heath is nice. And he doesn’t heat rats. This is because he’s dead. But when he was alive, he didn’t. As far as I know. Anyway, all you idiots who’ve come here thinking that this is a website dedicated to heating rats, I suggest you take your revolting habits elsewhere. I don’t want them cluttering up my valuable cyberspace.
Heath the Rat was a respectable member of the community. He was, admittedly, not quite all there in the sanity department, but he was well liked by everyone he met. Except, presumably, the man who took such an intense dislike to him that he felt it necessary to run him over. He was a beloved cat (and rat and bomber) and he is much missed by those he left behind. This website is here partly as a memorial to his wit, eloquence and charm.
In contrast, a website dedicated to heating rats would not be witty, eloquent or charming. It would be crude, nasty, and only a little bit enjoyable. Just imagine the anguished squeals of the defenceless rat as you hold it above the lighted candle. Just think of the look of terror on its rodent face. Just picture the respect you would gain from your friends when they saw you doing it. Just envisage the gorgeous girls you’d get, and they’d almost certainly sleep with you because of it.
Well, all this can be yours for the extremely reasonable price of £22.99 per month! Just email me at heat_that_nasty_rat_and_get_all_the_hot_sex_you’ve_ever_wanted@hotmail.com, send me your credit card details, and I’ll do the rest! I will extract the monthly fee on the first day of each month (plus a ‘small’ handling fee) and in exchange, you will receive a copy of Rat Heater’s Monthly, featuring articles on the best rat heating methods from the experts! Starting this month, Rat Heater’s Monthly will come with a free candle, so there’s never been a better time to subscribe! And best of all, YOU CAN CANCEL YOUR SUBSCRIPTION AT ANY TIME! If, for whatever reason, you decide that the world of rat heating is no longer for you, just send me another email and I will remove you from the subscription list. (For clerical purposes, I will need to retain your credit card details.)
Don’t delay! Subscribe today!