- by Peter McDonald
I propose to use the medium of word to convince you all that I am Great. It won't be a hard job, I'm sure you agree. Many of you probably think I'm verging on Greatness anyway, so by the time this article has been read you'll think I'm bigger than God! Or at least think I'm a Demi-God! Which would incidently be half right - I am indeed a full half totally like a Demi-God, that half admittedly being the more human 50% in the God to Human Being Demi-God Pudding Ratio.
Anyway, enough about Demi-Gods, and more about me.
I'm just so amazing! Picture the scene - a pub. The kind of pub where young people go to fraternise and make themselves all woozy for princely prices.
Enter my good Gentlemanly self - everybody says, in total unison - "Wow! That Guy Looks Great, Doesn't He, Fellow Companion?" I think they do anyway. Admittedly, the unison is often slightly out of kilter, so I have to replay all the sentences that each pub-dweller was uttering upon my entrance inside my head individually. Then I collate them into one huge voice that is saying the same thing, and lo and behold, the majority of the times I do this everybody is indeed saying "Wow! That Guy Looks Great, Doesn't He, Fellow Companion?". This normally has taken me about 2 and a half hours to do, and so it is almost time for me to leave (either by my own free will or somebody else's), and it is hard for me to dwell in my role is your leader. But hey - it's tough at the top. Occasionally people come up to me and protest that I am blocking the doorway and they can't get out and this is upsetting them, which means there is a good chance I too will be made to feel upset soon ... Normally I do not like these situations, as it breaks my concentration, and I have to remember which people I have already recorded in my head as saying - "Wow! That Guy Looks Great, Doesn't He, Fellow Companion?" and which people I haven't. So I have developed a method of avoiding such situations (another reason why I am so Great!). I stand there and let myself grin rather largely, with my eyes staring into the middle distance and spit hanging from my mouth. This lets people know how Great I am, a sort of visual signifier, and they soon know their place and return to their plebi-seats. And it's puns like that that make me Great too.
My Greatness is also counted regularly by special Great Counters. These are gnomes that are 5ft small that constantly walk behind me, watching me. Basically, whenever I see somebody who is exactly 5ft small, I know they are watching me. I don't mind - it is just one aspect of being Great. Occasionally, people who forget my Greatness say "But 5ft isn't that small!". To which I say well it's small for me. Anyway, these gnomes are in disguise, and a gnome wouldn't be well disguised if everyone could see it was small straight away would they? No. They wouldn't. So only 5ft gnomes are employed so that they aren't stupidly small. Small gnomes! I would be disgusted! It would mean they needed the 5ft gnomes for other people Greater than me, and such people cannot exist. For I am the Greatest!
My Greatness is probably best summed up in 3 words -
1. Glasnost
2. Builders
3. Drooper
Say these words, and I am likely to be in your thoughts soon enough. Maybe only on the periphery of your mind, but that's one of the other things about my Greatness - it's very subtle. It's admirably modest as well.
So! I am Great, I have proved it thus. Fancy my Great powers? Well you can't have them. They belong to my Greatness, create your own Greatness, it's not as if there is a finite amount of it in the world, just generate your own! Greatness Generators are the new 14th Century Politicians, so hurry up whilst stocks last!
Lo! My speech is at an end. Consider yourself priviligised.