- by Owen Morton
As regular readers of this website may remember, last May I went on a trip to France, where I spent some while watching the television. When I returned to England, I wrote a website article ridiculing what I’d seen. Well, a couple of weeks ago, I was back in France again, this time in Paris to see the Darkness, and nothing could have prepared me for the dreadfulness of the televisual offerings put forward on this occasion.
There was first a brief but not entirely unwelcome viewing of that same demented quiz show (or whatever it was) that I enjoyed so much last time round, but we were more interested in channel-hopping at this stage. We were provided with four English-speaking channels: CNN, the ever-diverting Eurosport, the ever-present BBC World, and a channel we’d never encountered before: TBN Europe.
I’m not sure what TBN stands for. Televised Blessed Nutters, perhaps. At any rate, TBN turned out to be an insanely – and I mean insanely – religious channel. Every programme was clearly being broadcast from the Deep South of America, where everyone spoke with a stupid drawl about how God is watching us and we mustn’t do anything to offend Him, oh no. Now, I’m not so fussed about belittling religion (I don’t believe in it myself, but if anyone else does, that’s their prerogative). On the other hand, I feel very few but the most devout (by which I mean completely mad) Christians would take offence at me insulting TBN Europe.
At first we thought it was a normal channel, which was just showing a programme of a decidedly religious bent (and was also quite out of date, considering the people were talking about other programmes on TBN Europe “next Wednesday, that’s March 3rd!”, it being then Monday March 3rd), but when every commercial break was concerned with advertising bibles, we began to get the full idea. I took extensive notes on one of the programmes on offer – a talent contest called Exalting Him 2003, which sought to find the best religious singing group. This programme wasn’t as good as another show which was on late at night – a man with a truly demented face and the ability to get very worked up about anything you care to mention, sitting behind a desk, quoting scripture on any subject he was given by a dopey-looking woman – but sadly I was disinclined to take notes on that one: I didn’t feel I could do it justice. So I present to you, my thoughts on Exalting Him 2003!
The most immediately obvious thing to say is, of course, that it’s not 2003, and hasn’t been for over two months. But let’s be charitable, say it was a repeat, and move on. When we switched on Exalting Him 2003, the presenter was interviewing the winner of the solo singer contest. Without wishing to be harsh, she was a fat lunatic in a very strange dress, who claimed to live on the beach. She stressed this repeatedly by saying, “there’s the door and there’s the sand.” The presenter seemed very taken with this notion, and kept returning to the subject of her house being on the beach. Personally, I suspect she lives in a rock pool.
This unequalled talent contest then cut to a shot of the four judges. They were seated on horrible red sofas in a room which interestingly appeared to have no doors or windows, all wore massively insane smiles, and the one thing they could agree on was that the contestants “done good”. “Yes, they’ve done good.” “Done good, indeed.” They then presented a flashback of all the contestants so far: a dreadful parade of religious singers, including a massive army of nitwits in pale red dresses, an army of nuns and some Black Eyed Peas imitators, though if possible even worse. Then, just as you thought there couldn’t possibly be any more of them, a man playing a guitar far, far too enthusiastically, wearing nice big square glasses, and his friend in a Superman t-shirt, were shown. Oh, how we laughed. The judges then announced what the grand prize of this talent contest was: a recording contract! They cheered when they informed us of this. No one else did. Even the audience – which for an event like this must be hideously religious and overenthusiastic – seemed completely unimpressed.
Then the show got onto the good bit: the first Christian Pop Idol wannabes! The broad-smiling presenter announced this group – a bunch of children calling themselves Glory – and jokingly mentioned that they had been stereotyped as “just kids playing rock music”. This stereotype is odd, considering they were just kids playing rock music. Or, at least, some vague approximation of it. To everybody’s delight (and I mean delight; I have never seen an audience look quite so happy at being presented with a group), they went into their song. The lyrics – and I am not making this up – went along the lines of,
I look to the sky,
Why why why
Cry cry cry.
The lead singer accentuated such awe-inspiring lyrics with frequent gestures made with her chubby little fists. She waved them around looking demented. It was all most exciting. Finally, when the song – which I shall certainly be buying on single – finished, the show cut to the judges, who admired how “innocent” the group looked. They all seemed to love her pitiful whine of a voice too.
Glory did then undergo an interview with the presenter, but judging by the almost total lack of notes from this section of the programme, it was not particularly amusing. Afterwards, the next group were ushered on stage. They were called One Voice. They were asked how they got their name. The lead singer was obviously dead chuffed to have been asked this question, since he immediately went off into one of the funniest stories I’ve ever heard. Again, I’m not making it up. This is what he said (though slightly shortened, obviously – it’s not possible to take exact notes). This is how One Voice got their name:
“How we got our name is a crazy story. We were playing on stage and we didn’t quite have a name for our group yet. Afterwards, people came up to us and said, ‘We like you, we want you to come and play at our church, who are you, what are you called?’ and I just turned to one of the others and said, ‘Let’s call ourselves One Voice!’”. At this point, the entirety of the group – four grown men and women – collapsed in fits of helpless god-given laughter. Am I missing a joke there? It doesn’t sound hugely crazy to me. On the other hand, One Voice themselves do.
One Voice’s song was terrible. Glory were passable (and I mean that in the loosest, loosest possible sense of the word) if you didn’t listen, if they were just there as background noise, but you simply could not tune One Voice out. It was a truly hideous attempt to blend choir and pop music. When it was over, the presenter said, “Well, let’s see what the judges are up to.” I fervently hoped that they were massacring each other, or something equally diverting, but sadly the best they could do from their windowless, doorless room was make inane comments about how good – nay, even tremendous – One Voice were.
One Voice then underwent an interview, in which they were asked, “Are you all related at all?”
This question clearly stumped them, and I can understand why. It is difficult, after all. Finally, they came out with the answer, “We’re brothers and sisters in Christ.”
Well, obviously.
I could go on for a while, but I think you get the idea. Just take it from me – if you find yourself with the opportunity to watch TBN Europe, take it. You won’t regret it, even slightly.