I don’t know how many people have spent two hours on a Monday evening sat in the lobby of the University of Southampton’s Humanities Department. Not many, I imagine. Although, thinking about it, that’s exactly the sort of pointless thing I do recall doing from time to time when I was a student, so maybe it’s more people than I think. But anyway, that’s the position I’ve found myself in tonight. I’ve been here for 35 minutes so far and will be here until 9 o’clock. (For those who fancy a puzzle, I got here at 7 o’clock – what time is it now?)
So, not having an awful lot to do while I’m here, I’ve decided to conduct a little people-watching. Pretty dull, you think. Well, yes. But remember that crucial line a minute ago – I’ve not got an awful lot to do. So I’m going to report to you on everyone I see during the remainder of my 120 minute vigil.
I’ll do a quick recap of the last 38 minutes. I haven’t seen anyone else at all yet, except for one fellow with a short-cropped balding haircut. He’s wearing a blue fleece and he’s been here for the entirety of the time, conducting a mobile phone conversation that would appear to consist entirely of the word “Uh.” I think it’s fair to say he’s not particularly engaged with his conversation, but he can’t get out of it. It’s really annoying, actually, that one word being repeated at roughly 30 second intervals. I’ll keep you posted on whether he shuts up or, preferably, pisses off.
19:42 – Aha! Some activity. A ginger-haired girl just walked past. She looked angry. To entertain myself, I shall try to come up with a backstory for her. A promising young policeman, Daniel Dobby, met her at the Lawnmower Fetishists Annual Dance last Tuesday. He promised to take her to the reptile enclosure at Twycross Zoo tonight, but she has waited and waited and PC Dobby hasn’t shown up. That’s why she’s angry. I don’t know why she’s in the Humanities Department though.
19:47 – Splendid news! The man on the mobile, after suddenly starting to talk about an individual called Laura, whose friends have trashed a house, has got up and gone. His conversation was still ongoing as he left, but I am no longer a party to it. I am now alone!
19:48 – Being alone is quite boring. It’s much more interesting when you have someone other than yourself to attach your loathing to. Otherwise, you swiftly end up in a self-hating cycle.
19:49 – Hmm. A student in a green hoodie just wandered by. It is tempting to take the mick and say some unkind but perfectly fair things about him, but there’s always the possibility he’ll see the screen from behind me, and bury his fist in my face. Nobody wants him to do that. Well, maybe some people do, but I don’t, so I’ll do everything I can do avoid it.
19:52 – A man in a pink jumper just ran across the corridor from right to left in front of me. He was moving too fast for me to get a clear view of anything about him to criticise, so let’s simply say he’s running because he’s late for the pork pie eating championship in Doncaster.
19:54 – Bloody hell, it’s suddenly like Piccadilly Circus in here. Three really geeky looking students, including one meeting the description “twat in a hat”, have just gone by, but there’s nothing really to say about them.
19:55 – You know what, it’s boring me to tears just writing this drivel, so God knows what it’s doing to you poor souls who have to read it. Let’s do everyone a favour and stop right now.
20:19 – Christ, that man with the mobile is back, still wittering away. I really am going to stop now.