- by Owen Morton
I thought that it was about time for another He-Man episode review to show up on this site. Quite why I thought this is a matter for some debate, though it will be a debate entered into some other time, or perhaps never, because I have no desire to have such a debate now, and probably never will. Suffice it to say that I believe this website has been longing for another episode review to appear, ever since the first one did about three weeks ago. The episode I have chosen to review is the second season effort 'Disappearing Dragons', again not because it has any redeeming virtues, but because it's the only one I can remember in sufficient detail to actually do from memory. Fear not, at home, I have the episode 'The Cat And The Spider' on video, and on my computer at home, I have such efforts as 'Diamond Ray of Disappearance', 'Disappearing Act', 'Colossor Wakes', 'Fisto's Forest', 'The Gamesman', 'The Great Books Mystery', 'Temple of the Sun' and an hour and a half He-Man and She-Ra special, which is among my proudest computer-based possessions. I'm not going to tell you how long it took to download. But the point of this is that there will be more episode reviews coming once I get home. Maybe.
But in the meantime, you're going to have to be content with this review: 'Disappearing Dragons' (and isn't it amazing how many of the above titles have some relation to something disappearing? I mean, three out of nine named episodes have it in their title - that's 33.3 recurring percent. I think it's time for a new feature on the He-Man and She-Ra Episode Review Site). As with 'A Trip To Morainia', I will first outline the plot in surprisingly sad detail, then make my criticisms, which will undoubtedly be wide and varied, although I haven't thought of any yet.
My experience of this episode is slightly ruined in that the tape it was recorded on did not quite catch the beginning of the episode, thus I was rudely thrust into the action about two to three seconds into the story. This, as you can imagine, caused great disruption to my mind and perhaps lessened my enjoyment of the episode so much that it did not appear to be a classic when in fact it was, on account of those missing few seconds at the beginning. On the other hand, it is rather likely that this is not the case, and what appeared to be an absolutely rubbish piece of He-Manity in fact was such. But I'll leave it to you to form your own opinions on that matter.
The action began for me at a point where Adam and Orko were playing some form of chess. Cringer gives Orko some useless advice which allows Adam to win, which leads me to suspect that perhaps Cringer knew perfectly well that the advice he offered was useless, and he was just trying to help Adam win. Though quite why he should be bothered at all, I don't know. Anyway, after the chess game, the Sorceress contacts Adam telepathically, and tells him to turn into He-Man and go to see Granamyr, the King of the Dragons, because he has a problem. Adam does so promptly, taking Orko with him.
When they get to Granamyr's hideout, Orko starts messing with a pot, which turns out to contain a large brown arm which drags him in and starts leaping all over the place. He manages to extricate himself somehow (I can't remember exactly how), and starts boasting about how he's not afraid of any dragons. At which point Granamyr appears directly behind him and breathes flame in his general direction. Orko darts for cover behind He-Man, and Granamyr, scowling rather fiercely in Orko's direction, explains to He-Man that lots of dragons are going missing. He wants to know why. He-Man agrees to investigate, and decides that his friends Buzz-Off and Mechaneck can help.
We then cut to a clearing in the Eternian wilderness, where Skeletor's men, Webstor and Kobra Khan, are messing about with a machine. They aim it at a dragon which happens to be passing by, and the dragon disappears! Hence the title of the episode, methinks. Unfortunately, they have been observed in this act of blatant criminality by Buzz-Off and Mechaneck, who also happen to be in the area. A little fight ensues, in which Buzz-Off and Mechaneck come off worst, due to being overpowered by Kobra Khan's knockout gas. But He-Man and Orko show up in fairly short order (and isn't it amazing how all these people seem to be in exactly the same area of the wilderness?), and start to fight back. Rather intelligently, Webstor and Kobra Khan decide to use their machine on He-Man and Orko, knowing they can't beat He-Man using more conventional means. Unfortunately, Orko casts a spell (and I here quote it, "Wiggle waggle wiggle way, magic spell destroy their play") which somehow manages to make the machine act really crazily, making everybody except for Orko disappear, and then explode.
He-Man, Mechaneck, Buzz-Off, Webstor and Kobra Khan reappear in a place which He-Man immediately states is "not Eternia", though quite how he knows that they are on a completely different planet this quickly is not made clear. Webstor and Kobra Khan choose to hightail it to "a city", where they believe that they can get back to Eternia. After a short discussion, He-Man and the goodies choose to follow.
When they get to the city, they find that all the dragons that had disappeared have reappeared here, and have been put in cages. They make absolutely no attempt to free them, and continue into the city. Here they meet three individuals, though I can't remember their names, who immediately put them into a force field which even He-Man can't break out of! In the course of the conversation, it turns out that these rather unpleasant chappies have been getting the dragons and are making them fight in blood sports.
Back on Eternia, Orko is making a really rather half-hearted attempt to mend the machine (I mean, even if he doesn't know how it worked, he should be able to see that it looks completely different to how it did before he broke it). Then Granamyr shows up, and Orko explains the whole thing. Granamyr mends the machine magically, making a rather snide comment in the process about Orko's own magical abilities. They then, rather stupidly, use the machine on themselves. I say rather stupidly because they don't actually know what the machine does. All they know is that people on whom its ray fixes disappear, but they don't know that the people actually reappear, do they? For all they know, the thing might be a Disintegration Machine.
Anyway, while this is going on, He-Man manages to strike up a deal with the baddies. He states that if he can beat their champion, Belatron, in single combat, they must let him go free. I can only assume that he made some other kind of condition for in the event that he loses, but I don't remember. The baddies agree, and remove him from the force field. He-Man is placed in an arena where Mechaneck and Buzz-Off can watch, and the baddies, who are now joined by Webstor and Kobra Khan, watch as well. When the other door of the arena opens, Belatron, an armour-plated killing machine about twice the height and three times the width of He-Man, appears. For those who are blind, Mechaneck smartly observes, "Belatron's a robot!" An absolutely ridiculous fight ensues, in which He-Man should technically have been smashed into raspberry jam (not literally, of course, unless he is actually made of raspberry jam in the first place) within the first five seconds. However, he wins. I will discuss the fight later, in my extensive criticisms of this episode. At this point, Webstor and Kobra Khan bugger off, and Granamyr and Orko appear. Granamyr decides to turn the three baddies who have no names into stone, then back again, and he tells them they will now fight for his pleasure, as revenge for what they did to his dragons. He-Man tells him that that's not actually acceptable, and Granamyr agrees, letting the baddies go free instead. He-Man, Buzz-Off and Mechaneck go looking for Webstor and Kobra Khan, and find them pretty quickly. The villains are driving some form of tank in order to attack He-Man, an action that they really should know better than to try. Sure enough, He-Man merely picks up the tank and hurls it down a crevice. Then they all go back to Eternia.
The moral of the episode is that you should treat animals fairly. This will be, as He-Man so intelligently put it, "more fun for you, and for the animal!" He says this as if he's making a really funny joke, though what he thinks is funny about it is perhaps a matter for debate. However, as with the other debate mentioned in this article, it's a debate for another day.
Right! Well, where do we begin when criticising this episode? There are so many things wrong with it that it's hard to know where to start. The first thing acting against it is that it's an episode of He-Man, a black mark in anybody's book. Next, it doesn't have Skeletor in it. No He-Man episodes were very good without Skeletor, who was the most amusing character to be created for any TV series ever. Well, perhaps not quite that good, but you know what I mean. A He-Man episode without Skeletor was like a cream bun without cream in it: seemingly nice but strangely hollow and empty. I am truly a master of similes, aren't I?
So that's a rather important point against it, but to actually talk about the plot, I would posit that the chess game at the beginning was, shall we say, irrelevant. On the plus side, it wasn't as long an irrelevant bit as the Man-at-Arms bit in 'A Trip To Morainia', but still it was time that was wasted, time that could have been used featuring Skeletor telling Webstor and Kobra Khan to go forth and do what they do, and their undoubtedly amusing retorts. But never mind. We'll ignore this minor fault in order to get straight to the next stupid bit.
This comes, as could be expected, in fairly short order, when He-Man and Orko get to Granamyr's hideout or fortress or whatever it is. The stupid bit to which I refer is, of course, the pot that Orko starts messing about with. I mean, what is the point? I don't mean 'point' as in episode-wise, since it does provide a bit of humour (or at least does if you're four years old and easily amused), but more as in why in hell Granamyr should possess such a useless article. It serves no purpose whatsoever, its only function being to warn irritating little nincompoops like Orko not to touch the thing again (and even this lesson doesn't go in, since I have a distinct recollection of the episode ending with Orko trapped inside the pot again). Moreover, the pot can't be used to trap baddies, because it can only hold someone of about Orko's size, and I can't remember anyone in Skeletor's army of nutcases who is of Orko's size. Thus, the pot is a pointless bit, and while it is slightly entertaining, it defies explanation (unlike the rest of this episode, and indeed the series, which always makes perfect sense).
Right. Next. I would like to say something here about Mechaneck and Buzz-Off. It's slightly off the point, because it makes reference to their action figures as well, but since they're in the episode, I feel justified in making this minor digression. Mechaneck's special ability is that he can extend his neck to an extreme length, and can thus see anything a long way off. His eyes also appear to be capable of seeing everything in terms of black outlines and green background, or so we can assume by the point-of-view shots used in this episode. Okay, fair enough. Apart from the green and black vision limitation thing, this is a fairly useful ability (as compared to some of the special abilities offered by other goodies i.e. Orko, whose magic is thoroughly useless, and Man-At-Arms, whose special ability is buggering things up). What I want to talk about is the attempt by the action figure manufacturers to emulate this ability in the action figure of Mechaneck. As I recall, his neck extended so that it was about a foot (relatively, not actually) longer than usual, and when he did this, his legs twisted ninety degrees to the left. This is less useful. Being only a foot taller isn't generally going to help you to see things, and if you're going to make frankly physically impossible movements in order to do this and break your hips in the process, well, you're better off without even trying.
And Buzz-Off. What can I say about Buzz-Off? Quite what his special ability is, I don't know. It would appear to be shooting silly little arrows out of his wings which do extremely little to slow up his foes. He is also capable of flying. His action figure advertises him as the "spy in the sky", as far as I remember. Well, I'd dispute this. Firstly, I don't recall ever seeing him doing any spying in the series, and secondly, one of the defining things about a spy is that it is innocuous and not easily noticed. I don't know about you, but even on Eternia, a six foot tall humanoid bee with neon yellow wings strikes me as being something mildly out of the ordinary. Not even one of Skeletor's fools could miss Buzz-Off if he happened to be hanging around Snake Mountain spying.
But anyway, back to the episode. Next, I would like to consider, since I feel it fits around about here, chronologically wise, exactly what Webstor and Kobra Khan's motive is. We know what the motive of the three loonies on the other planet is - they want to watch the dragons fight - but exactly why Webstor and Kobra Khan are helping them get the dragons is, as I recall, not made entirely clear. It certainly seems like there is absolutely nothing in it for them. But I don't want to suggest any theories about it here, chiefly because I can't think of any.
Notwithstanding the odd inane comment from someone, the next really stupid bit comes with He-Man's fight with Belatron. Belatron, as stated above, is a machine that He-Man really should not be able to beat. It is twice his size, at least. I think its defeat comes from its particularly stupid fighting method. Instead of raising its fists and smashing He-Man into the ground, it chooses to fight him by shooting polystyrene rings at him. These somehow encircle He-Man, and cause him that slight amount of grief while he attempts to remove them. As he does this, Belatron makes no further move, instead choosing to just stand there and wait for him to be ready to fight back. And then, and only then, it starts shooting energy bolts at him. This is even easier for He-Man to deal with, since waving his sword in front of him seems to deflect these energy bolts. Realising it's getting nowhere, Belatron goes slightly overboard and shoots two nuclear missiles at He-Man, a tactic which really should finish him (and indeed everything within a twenty mile radius) off. Contrary to common sense, however, He-Man catches said missiles and reverses their course quite intelligently to hit Belatron. There is an almighty explosion and Belatron disappears into a wall. At this point, Mechaneck and Buzz-Off start proclaiming the victory, but Belatron reappears, slightly battered but really none the worse for wear. It is at this juncture that it uses the weapon it perhaps should have done in the first place, and shoots energy-sapping bolts at our hero. He-Man ends up lying on the floor, unable to move. We really begin to fear for his safety, when suddenly Granamyr and Orko show up and release the dragons from captivity. Somehow, this allows He-Man the respite he needs to be able to get up and finish Belatron off. And guess how he finishes it off? No, not with some incredibly sophisticated weapon. With his fist. Yes, he punches Belatron, a metal-plated machine, which makes said machine fly, incredibly injured, across the arena and smash into a wall, and this time not get up again. Why the hell did a) this not merely result in He-Man breaking his fist, and b) He-Man not just do this in the first bloody place?! Honestly, I despair of this programme sometimes. Moreover, I think it is worth pointing out that the entire fight sequence is not contributory to the plot. A full five minutes, I would guess, is given over to this fight, and yet it serves no purpose other than getting He-Man out of the force field, which could easily have been achieved if they'd just waited for Granamyr. It's just ridiculous.
Right, well, while I'm in this intensely critical mood, I may as well turn my attention to the sequence which follows almost immediately, when He-Man, Mechaneck and Buzz-Off go off looking for Webstor and Kobra Khan. They find them almost immediately, driving some form of tank directly at the heroes. They are obviously not going to stop, so Mechaneck and Buzz-Off get out of the way in conventional ways (i.e. Mechaneck runs, and Buzz-Off flies). He-Man, on the other hand, sees it as completely necessary to get down on the ground and let the thing run over him, on the principle that its wheels are on either side of it, and not in the middle. But what, He-Man, would have happened if it had some sort of retractable third wheel intended to prevent people doing exactly this? Or indeed a retractable razor blade? Then you'd be completely buggered, wouldn't you? But, fortunately for our hero, the tank does not have this feature, and He-Man is thus able to pick the thing up and chuck it down a ravine. Mechaneck then sees it as utterly necessary to extend his neck down the ravine and make a few smart comments at the expense of the villains. And mentioning Mechaneck brings me on to my next point.
I should perhaps have mentioned this last time I went on about Mechaneck and Buzz-Off, but I forgot, and I can't be bothered to go back and change it now. So we'll deal with it here. Why are Mechaneck and Buzz-Off even on this trip at all? He-Man says early on, "I think Mechaneck and Buzz-Off are available" and thus justifies their presence, but they don't do anything at all, except find Kobra Khan and Webstor in the first place, and then get beaten up by them. It's fairly obvious that He-Man would have been able to find the villains himself, without their 'help', judging by the speed with which he arrives on the scene. After this, Mechaneck and Buzz-Off do nothing except get caught in the stupid machine's beam, then get trapped in a force field later on, and, when freed, do absolutely nothing worthwhile in the battle against Webstor and Kobra Khan. So why are they there? Presumably just to make He-Man feel superior. Or, indeed, to make Webstor and Kobra Khan feel superior.
So we have, in 'Disappearing Dragons', a deeply disappointing effort. It just doesn't make sense in any way, shape or form. And we have, in this 3,342 word review of 'Disappearing Dragons', proof that I am among the saddest creatures that ever lived, and really should go out and get a life.