Dinosaurs! You know you love them, but equally, you don’t know anything about them. What did they eat? Where did they live? What did they use their Nectar card points on? And most importantly, why did they die out? Well, fear not, faithful readers, for Heath the Rat has finally turned his attention to this enthralling subject, and naturally, it’s not taken him long to come up with some conclusions. He has written up his findings in the form of an easy-to-use FAQ.
Where did the dinosaurs come from, Heath?
An easy one to start with. So easy I’d expect you to know. But, as you don’t, I’ll explain. When Mummy Dinosaur loves Daddy Dinosaur very much, then Mummy Dinosaur and Daddy Dinosaur get right down to some hot reptile lovin’. Then, nine months later, Baby Dinosaur is born. Amazing! But all true.
What did the dinosaurs eat, Heath?
Each other.
What else did the dinosaurs eat, Heath?
Different types of dinosaurs ate different things, actually. Some of them did indeed eat the other dinosaurs, but not all of them did that – lucky for us, really, or we wouldn’t be here today! Some dinosaurs ate trees, leaves, grass, snakes, small mammals, carrots in butter, fish, birds, empty DVD boxes, and all manner of things.
How long did it take dinosaurs to go through their educational system, Heath?
It may surprise you to learn that dinosaurs didn’t go to school at all! They didn’t go to university either. They didn’t even go to pre-school, nursery, or playgroup. This does help to explain why dinosaurs were so stupid.
What do dinosaurs think about the increasing demoralisation of society, Heath?
Much the same as I do, actually. I think it’s a bit of a worry, but I can’t really go on about it too much while I’m still living off the profits of all those HD TVs I nicked in the riots last year.
I didn’t know you’d been busy in the riots, Heath!
Yeah, neither do the police, and I’d like to keep it that way, thanks. So shut up and ask me another question about dinosaurs.
Which was the most dangerous dinosaur, Heath?
It was the velociraptor. Its name derived from “velocity”, meaning “fast” and “raptor”, meaning “raptor”. So basically, its name means “fast raptor”. And if you’ve ever seen Jurassic Park, you’ll know you don’t want a fast raptor chasing you. Velociraptors were so vicious that sometimes they even called each other nasty names, like ‘wimp’ and ‘wally’.
How did the dinosaurs die out, Heath?
Well, some of them didn’t, you know. Next time you pop into a florist’s, take a long hard look at the girl behind the counter. She might be a dinosaur.
Are you sure, Heath?
Well, she might be. Didn’t say she definitely would be. Probably isn’t, to be honest. But she might be.
So do you know how the dinosaurs died out, Heath?
Well, when Mummy Dinosaur hates Daddy Dinosaur very much, then Mummy Dinosaur and Daddy Dinosaur get down to some violent reptile fightin’. And usually, they ended up killing each other. The rest of them were dealt with by Steve Irwin, if you’ll believe it.
Right. Well, thanks, Heath. I think I’ll just go and buy a more authoritative book about dinosaurs now.
Hey!