- by Owen Morton
I will confess quite readily that I have flashes of genius. This is because I am a genius. Thus flashes of genius are only to be expected. In fact, it could be argued that, being a genius, flashes of genius are the usual situation, and that it is altogether unusual when I am not in the grip of a flash of genius. To take this further, we could say that what I actually get are not flashes of genius, but flashes of ungenius, a break in the more usual situation of my being a genius. There are some who might argue that, because the ungenius condition often lasts for longer than the genius condition, it is the ungenius condition which is actually the usual, and that I do get flashes of genius after all. This would imply that, in the normal course of events, I am not a genius. But fear not: those who might argue this are clearly not geniuses themselves. But to geniuses like me, it is perfectly obvious that I have flashes of ungenius as a break. If I were a genius all the time, it would probably drive me insane, and then I would never be a genius at all. Surely you will agree that it is worth sometimes not being a genius in order to preserve the times when you are. If you won't agree this, well, you're not a genius.
But I seem to have digressed from the intended subject of my article before I've even started. I wished to begin in a rather roundabout way by positing that it is only a genius - like, for example, myself - who could notice the stupidity inherent in the slogan of a well-known supermarket (and I'm not going to say which, partly because they may sue me and partly because I'm suddenly experiencing a flash of ungenius which is stopping me from remembering whether it's Asda or Sainsbury's; I think it's the former, but I can't be entirely sure). This, of course, entailed me proving that I am a genius, which I think I did conclusively in my first paragraph. Or if I didn't actually prove it as such, I did make it impossible for anyone to argue otherwise without their being branded 'not a genius'. So I think perhaps my first paragraph was relevant after all.
At any rate, I will now seek to explain myself (not that geniuses are actually obligated to explain themselves to those who are not geniuses, the group of which I suspect comprises a large percentage of my readership; I merely seek to explain myself as part of a rather optimistic belief that it may better said readership in terms of geniusness (which, incidentally, is a word, even though the Microsoft Word spell-checker says it isn't; this is because the Microsoft Word spell-checker was programmed by someone who was not a genius), although I will probably find this to be, regrettably, not the case, and the unfortunate result of a flash of ungenius on my part).
The slogan to which I am referring, as the geniuses among my readership will definitely have worked out (and this is not to say that if you have worked it out, you are certainly a genius - it is far more probable that you are not a genius but just got lucky), is that of Taste the Difference. It is an incomprehensibly stupid slogan. Doubtless the geniuses among you will already know why, and perhaps it would be contrary to their productivity to read something that they already know. However, it must be acknowledged that geniuses must learn their geniusness somewhere, so if you are a genius and are reading this for the first time, then you cannot be faulted for not knowing it.
Anyway, the stupidity of Taste the Difference as a slogan can now be explained. As anyone knows, the definition of 'difference' is something approximating two or more conditions which are not exactly the same. I will admit that I did not take this definition from any recognised dictionary, but, being a genius, I am almost certain to have got it right. I can't think of any times when I have been wrong, except, of course, when I have been experiencing a flash of ungenius, which, I assure you, I am not doing at present. Thus if you will accept my definition of 'difference' to be the correct one, we can proceed.
The supermarket in question thus advertises its own brand food as something wherein you can taste the difference. Of course, it makes no effort to explain what the other condition is and what you can taste the difference from. We are presumably meant to assume that it means other brands of the same food. However, we are all well versed in the dangers of assuming. In a clever bit of word play which I admit I did not make up (another genius made it up first), I will point out that to 'assume' makes an 'ass' of 'u' and 'me'.
The point I am making here (and some people would say I'm not making it particularly coherently - this is because those people are not geniuses) is that to taste the difference, you need something else to taste the difference from. Not telling you what you're supposed to taste the difference from is bad enough, but not actually including the different product is, dare I say it, downright criminal. My proposal would be that in future, Taste the Difference products would be split into two sections. Taste the Difference tins of tuna, for example, would have a partition down the middle, on one side of which would be the normal tuna, and on the other the different tuna. You would then be able to taste the difference and decide if you like it (for it is another good point that the supermarket in question does not say that the different version is better, merely that it is different; we are merely meant to assume that it is better, and for the dangers of assuming, I only need direct you to the previous paragraph).
Thus far this has all been theoretical conjecture. I have outlined a problem, one that I believe to be fairly major, but have not yet offered any hard solutions. This was the problem with an article I read for my university course not long ago, and I resolved never to fall into the same trap. Of course, being a genius, it is unlikely that I would, but flashes of ungenius can happen, and so I need a safeguard in the form of this resolution.
The solution that I propose is that we all point this out to the supermarket in question, which by now I am almost certain is Asda (since as I recall, Sainsbury's slogan is Making Life Taste Better, which is fraught with a similar problem of a slightly minor magnitude, because it does not attempt to point out what life will taste better than, and moreover, life is not a tangible thing that one can taste at all), and make sure they know our displeasure. If they know this and know that I am the ringleader in this little circle of resistance, then they are likely to call the police and get me taken away for being a dangerous lunatic. Such is the price of genius. It is often not recognised by those who are not geniuses and thus the genius may be wrongly portrayed as a nutcase. But I am willing to undergo this fate if it means that society at large will realise that Taste the Difference is a highly nonsensical slogan, one that should be burnt, along with whoever came up with it. Some would say that's a little extreme. But then, the some that would say that are not geniuses.