- by Owen Morton
Rocks can be extremely useful when you are ill. They can be extremely useful at other times as well, of course: if you ever need something to throw at Des O'Connor, should you happen to see him, a rock is a perfectly acceptable choice. A brick would be better, and if it is available, a building is better yet. But I digress.
When you are ill, you are at the mercy of the elements. Thus you must use the elements to heal yourself. This is doubtless the original justification for the invention of crystal healing (actually, the original justification for the invention of crystal healing was more likely to be that it would help rock shop owners make a quick buck off the back of people who believe in it).
Rocks are of course shaped by the elements, specifically the elements of earth, air and water. Fire generally doesn't have an effect on rocks, other than - if it's hot enough - melt them, which renders them useless for crystal healing. Different combinations of these elements in different concentrations produce different types of rock (and please God, make sure my geologist father never reads that scientifically dubious assertion). Different types of rock are suited to heal different illnesses.
I will now dispense medical advice, according to the rocks I can remember the names of, and make something up about what they can do. Remember, nothing I say herein is true, and no one is advised to follow the advice that I will here detail. Right, that covers the legal side of things. Away we go!
Agate:
Agate is an extremely useful rock if you want to cure drunkenness. When you are drunk, you should get some agate and break it on your head, or alternatively break your head in doing so. By the time you have finished, your drunkenness will be undoubtedly cured, or you will be dead, in which case your drunkenness will no longer matter too much to you.
Amethyst:
Amethyst is purple, so it can cure other things which are purple, such as bruises and also purplism, a rare disease which makes your elbows go purple. The best way to use amethyst is to powder it in sufficient quantities to fill a broom cupboard, and then take a deep breath and swallow it all.
NB. This cure has occasionally been associated with death from amethyst poisoning.
Gypsum:
Gypsum is a very common rock, but few know of its true value. Gypsum can actually cure death. After your death, you need to place a small stone of gypsum in between each of your fingers (this needs to be done by yourself, not anybody else), and the mystical energy it contains will cause you to rise again, like a second Jesus, except even better, because you don't have to ascend to heaven after six weeks. On the other hand, if you ever put the gypsum stones down, you will instantly drop dead on the spot and no amount of gypsum will be able to revive you again.
Quartz:
Quartz is extremely special because if you ever manage to spell it while playing Scrabble, you are likely to get an incomprehensibly high score. Besides this, however, it has no magical properties.
And that's as many rocks as I can think of, so that's enough for this article.