- by Peter McDonald
BOREDOM!
C'mon, yeah, we've all been there - hell, I'm there now!
So join me, that's Peter 'Mad as a Phone' McDonald, as I tell YOU what to do with yourself on a Sunday.
1. Don't Leave Your Home! Sundays are not made for movement, and I'm not talking about an album by New Order. Your legs WILL rebel, trust me. If you want the Sunday papers, try convincing a relative or friend, or perhaps a particularly well-read dog. Often I do end up having to get the papers myself, but whereas on the other 6 days of the week I can walk miles without getting even remotely tired, Sundays usually attempt to fell me on my first few steps.
2. Don't Go To Church! Contrary to popular belief, God hates people bothering him on Sunday mornings. I sometimes pass him on my way to work, and got talking about England’s disappointing departure from the World Cup (that's football, that is). After that, I said that 'ah well, we have the weekend to get over it'. To which he replied that he didn't. Expanding upon this, he said that though, since he is busy all hours all week, you'd think people would at least let him sleep in on Sunday; alas no. So do your deity a favour and don't go to church! (If you aren't Christian you won't be going anyway, so all of this number doesn't apply).
3. Eat Cheese on Toast! I always end up eating cheese on toast on a Sunday, because it takes less time and effort than a medieval banquet with Peacock Feet and Quail Egg Dumplings. Don't eat too much though, it's a bit revolting.
4. Read! But nothing too strenuous. Try: the backs of cereal packets; the back of your watch; the bar codes on things; your 1991 school report ("Peter should grow up and stop behaving like a smelly little girl", indeed - thanks Mrs Redwood); tea leaves; Owen's website, of course.
5. Drink Loads Of Coffee! Preferably in a stove top espresso pot, and using freshly ground beans if possible. The consumption of Coffee is vital to consciousness on most days, but to get through the sheer barren tedium of the Seventh day, at least 4 cups is preferable. Not all at once though. You can tell you've had enough when you think some invisible men are trying to grab the sides of your head.
6. Go Through Your Record Collection! But only play things you haven't heard that often, or haven't listened to for a while. Sunday is the best day for this, because you've got nothing better to do. Try making a compilation tape that you will probably never listen to. Make it as wide ranging as possible, however, so that if you need to impress somebody or give a gift at short notice you can give them one of these tapes as if you made it especially for them. I hope you don't read this, Andy.
7. Hoover! You may as well - what else even remotely worthwhile are you gonna do?
8. Become A Revolutionary! A bit like a Marxist Alice, try and take command of 6 communist organisations before breakfast.
9. Philosophise! Imagine yourself to actually be a Chinese Peasant in the 6th Century going by the name of Zih-Wah-Kom, who believes that he has been transported to an age of technological wonder and processed cheese by achieving Nirvana (and is, consequently, disappointed, because he thought the rewards of achieving Nirvana would mean more than being able to watch Friends on DVD, frankly). You'll blow your own mind, maaaan, and who knows, you may blow poor old Zih-Wah-Kom's too.
10. Pretend it's Monday! If you are really bored, pretend it's the first day of the new week but you're skiving off with an invented amputation. It'll make your free time seem much more valuable, and though you'll still end up doing fuck all, you'll feel much more satisfied.
11. Don't Bother Getting Up! Only for the real hardcore, and not to be genuinely recommended unless you are suffering A: a chronic hangover, B: clinical depression or C: some mixture of the two.
12. Try and touch your eyeball. It's dead weird and sticky, and should keep you occupied for about half an hour. WARNING - Don't Prod It! Don't say I didn't warn you ...
13. Become a Witchfinder! Only because we like old women in this day and age, try finding heretical servants of Satan elsewhere by drowning all the local birds in your birdbath. Note: A disguise may be a good idea.
14. Fight the Temptation To Phone relatives! It seems as if things can't get duller so you may as well phone them, but when great-uncle Norman starts telling you for the 89th time about how he completed his 'Bathroom Tiles of the 1970s' collection you'll be praying for a heart attack, first for him, later on for yourself. Equally, in these days of 1471, prank calls are best left to those wishing to be caught.
15. Learn To Read! If you don't know how to read yet, Sunday is a good day to learn, because of all the free time you have! Just stare at some writing until it makes sense. Easy, huh?
16. Imagine yourself to be one of your own organs, or maybe a piece of recently ingested food in your own intestine. Weird.
17. Throw a Tantrum! Bet you haven't done this for a while! But it really can be quite fun. Simply start pouting, develop this into a very aggressive sulk, and before you know it you'll be pummelling the walls, screaming bloody murder and sobbing uncontrollably. Best done when no-one else is around, however, especially not to be done if people you want to respect you are likely to see you. Best tie them up first.
18.
19. Don't write anything for the number 18, for this number is considered unlucky on a Sunday by certain groups of free thinkers in the foothills of the Andes.
20. Make at least four goes at completing the article on 80s band Josef K you said you would write for Owen's website and write a poor 'humorous' article about boredom instead.
So, there you go! Now, instead of being at a loss on what to do when you are bored on a Sunday, you can follow my rules. All offers of financial reward can be made through Owen.
Peter McDonald, Broadcasting from Full Thought Fort, June 2002