- by Owen Morton
This afternoon we’re going to talk about one of the most incredible wastes of money that man has yet devised. (Some would argue that that’s a bit sexist and that I should include women in that statement, but – to be quite honest – only a man could have thought something this stupid up.) The more intelligent among the readership will probably by now have worked out from the large yellow letters up there that I’m talking about Big Mouth Billy Bass, though they may be unsure exactly what I mean by that.
To explain to those who have not yet had the misfortune to come across one of these ridiculously stupid articles (and there can’t be many of you out there, but you might be lucky), a Big Mouth Billy Bass is a plastic fish attached to a piece of wood. The fish is just over a foot long, and it looks – vaguely – like a fish you might find on the wall of a fishing enthusiast, who is so pleased with his catch that he decided to have it mounted. This is the impression that the piece of wood is supposed to reinforce. The similarity between this piece of merchandise and any normal fish stops there, however. For one thing, Big Mouth Billy Bass takes two AA batteries and has an on-off switch, something that most regular fish do not have. The fact that Big Mouth Billy Bass is made of plastic also tends to discourage people from thinking that it’s a real fish.
So far, so good. We have an artificial fish which is attached to a plaque, which one assumes you are supposed to fasten to a wall, preferably in the midst of lots of real fish, to add to the humour which will ensue when Big Mouth Billy Bass is activated in the presence of an unsuspecting guest. I’m sure you’re all dying to know what the on-off switch does, aren’t you? Read on …
When Big Mouth Billy Bass is turned on, and someone walks by him (for it is motion-activated), he will suddenly swivel his head and start singing a song, which is – appropriately enough, I suppose – usually ‘Take Me To The River’, though he does occasionally sing something else as well, but I can’t remember what. The box states, “See the surprise on people’s faces when this seeminly ordinary mounted fish magically comes to life and sings a song! And that’s no fish story!”. (And ‘seemingly’ was spelt ‘seeminly’ on the box; it wasn’t my mistake.) Actually, if you ask me, when this seemingly ordinary mounted fish magically comes to life and sings a song, all you’re likely to see on the faces of the people to whom you are subjecting this abomination is utter despair, and probably a fair bit of pity as well, depending on whether they are sympathetic to the mentally challenged or not.
How do I know so much about Big Mouth Billy Bass? Well, I am ashamed to admit that I own one. Not, I swiftly add, through my own design. Last Christmas, or possibly the Christmas before, or maybe even the one before that, my darling mamma thought that it would be deeply amusing to waste thirty quid on one for me. The thing is, a Big Mouth Billy Bass may be amusing for a minute or two (but usually not even that, if you’re in any way sane), but following the initial forced laughter, what the hell are you supposed to do with it then? I can tell you one thing – I’m not putting it up on my wall. I don’t think anyone would, not even a fishing enthusiast. To be quite honest, who is going to want to be greeted with a rousing chorus of ‘Take Me To The River’ every time they walk past the wall where Big Mouth Billy Bass has made his home? I’m not, and I’d be willing to wager up to a hundred quid that less than five percent of the world’s population would either.
So we’ve concluded that no one’s going to put it on the wall, at least not permanently turned on (and if it’s not turned on, it just looks really stupid having a plastic fish with apparently no novelty value attached to the wall, so no one’s going to do that either), which leaves you with only two options. The first of these is to leave it in its box and hide it somewhere in your room, to discover it several years later when you’re making a half-hearted attempt at tidying up, which is incidentally what happened to me today. The second option is to sell it. The problem here, of course, is who is willing to buy it. The answer to this problem, of course, is evidently my mum.
And there you go. My analysis of what to do with a Big Mouth Billy Bass. Sell it to my mum. Obviously, I can’t guarantee that she’ll buy it, but she’s the only person I know who ever has, so you’ve got a better chance with her than with anyone else.