Okay, so let’s say you’re bored. This is probably true, given you’re reading this. When I recently found myself in a similar situation (being bored), I decided to try to learn some new card games. That’s how cool I am.
Google was of course my friend in this venture. I typed in “card games” and instantly was directed to a website called www.pagat.com, where real card games can be found – and so can “invented” ones. Being a pedantic git, the first thing that occurred to me was that all card games are invented – they didn’t exactly evolve from primordial soup, did they? But I managed to swallow this flash of grumpiness and clicked on the link to “invented games”.
The basic idea of the invented games is that anyone can make up a card game and submit it to this page. Now, I don’t want to disparage anyone’s efforts, but, frankly, there are some complete imbeciles out there. The first game I clicked on is called ‘Ace of Spades’. The rules of this moronically simple game involve getting a pack of cards, and turning over each successive card until you find the Ace of Spades. Then you win.
This game can, obviously, be played with any number of players (up to 52, or 54 if you’re including the jokers) – you just pass the pack to the left or right after you’ve turned over your card. It’s hardly mind-taxing, but naturally, it’s not enough to inspire me to write an article about it. If it had stopped there, I’d have sniffed haughtily and gone back to watching He-Man or one of the other more usual things I do when I’m bored.
But instead, I noticed a little link that advertised a “more violent version” of the game, called “Ace of Death”. I was of course intrigued as to how such a simple game could possibly have any variants (other than simply substituting the Ace of Spades for any other card you care to name), still less a violent version. So, expecting eternal damnation and hellfire, I clicked on the link and browsed through the rules of Ace of Death. You too can browse through the rules, just to prove I’m not lying about this.
Well, I hope whoever invented this game was taking the piss. That’s the best I can say for it. Basically, the entire deck is dealt out between all the players – which again can be any number between 2 and 52 (or 54 if you’re including the jokers, yes, yes) – and each player flips over their top card at the same time. When the Ace of Spades is turned over, the player who turned it over “gets beat up” by all the other players. Fighting back is not allowed but “resistance is encouraged”. I should fucking well think it is. What sort of halfwit plays this game? The inventor of the game tries to justify his insane game by stating that he personally doesn’t allow anyone to hit anyone else in the face, though he does warn that “some of my friends are all for that”, so if you were planning an evening round his house, make sure to wear full body armour, including a helmet.
Seriously, what is wrong with this moron? I could go on and describe the other variation of his game – Ace of Death Tournament – but I’m afraid that if I do, my rapidly diminishing IQ score will shrink yet further. Suffice it to say that it’s nothing more than another excuse for a barney. And yes, the author does admit that “it’s a stupid game” (he got that right), but also claims that “it really does become wildly entertaining”.
I pride myself on having an open mind – perhaps literally if I have brain surgery, ho ho – but this is too much. It scares me how many idiots there are out there, and how the internet has given them a platform to broadcast their brain-dead dribblings.
So speaks Owen Morton, who has been broadcasting his brain-dead dribblings on the internet for approaching 10 years now. And he speaks it without a hint of irony.