Right then everybody. You know how Torchwood’s catchphrase is ‘The 21st century is when it all changes’? Well, I’ve decided that for me, 13th March 2012 is when it all changes. As from today, I’m going to start being cool.
I know that in previous articles I have made passing references to being cool. I have come to understand that these early claims to coolness were not warranted. For every time I said something genuinely cool (not that I can think of an example, being honest), I can think of multiple dead giveaways in the same article that proved I had a complete lack of coolness. Remember all those references to owning two copies of the Star Trek Encyclopaedia? Not cool.
I realise also that it’s somewhat ironic to quote Torchwood’s catchphrase immediately before claiming I’m going to start being cool. This claim begins to seem even more optimistic when I stop to reflect that, as I type this, I’m listening to a track called Spock. But don’t worry – all these worrying signs don’t add up to anything, because I have taken up a hobby that is so cool that I’d remain in coolness credit even if I started wearing a T-shirt with a slogan saying ‘The Angels have my phone box’. (Coolness tip: if you get that reference, you’re almost certainly not cool.)
I imagine you want to know what my new hobby is. Well, I’m willing to share. When I’m driving around on the motorway, I look at the number plates of lorries to find out where they’ve come from. I’m trying to see a lorry from every country in the EU. Just today I saw Ireland, Belgium, France, Hungary and either Slovenia or Slovakia (the number plate just said ‘SLO’, so it’s not easy to be sure which). With a hobby like this, it’s difficult to ever be uncool again.
You’re all welcome to join in. It gave me hours of satisfaction today, broken only when I saw a car with one of those labels in it saying ‘Child on board’ or ‘Grandchild on board’. Putting aside the fact that these cars never appear to have a child in them, I am at a complete loss to understand what people think they’re going to achieve by informing me of this. It’s not as though people go out onto the roads thinking, “You know what? Today I’m going to crash into someone, it’s going to be awesome.” And if anyone did go out with that thought in mind, it’s unlikely they’ll be deflected from their mental intention by seeing one of those labels. “Ah, well, perhaps not them – they’ve got a child on board. I’ll go for that guy over there, there’s no children in his car, so he deserves to die.”
While we’re at it, I also hate labels that say ‘Princess on board’. These people are either liars or they’re driving around members of the royal family, and in either case they quickly become a target for my misanthropic dislike. In addition, labels that say ‘Powered by fairy dust’ infuriate me beyond reason with their brand of cutesy rubbish. While we’re on the subject, I don’t like any car that’s driven too fast, too slow, or the same speed as me if it’s directly in front of me, especially not if when I pull out to overtake, it increases its speed accordingly until I have to pull back in behind it, at which point it slows down again. I’m not fond of bikes on the roads either. In short, the only vehicles I do like are those that contribute to my new cool hobby.
So, I’ll see you in Coolness Town! Let me know which lorries you spot!