It’s a wonder I didn’t discover Babylon 5 earlier. In my teenage years, I freely admit, I was one of the coolest people to walk the earth, thanks to my unhealthy obsession with Star Trek. It all started one afternoon in Year 6 when I had a headache after school. My mother suggested, in her infinite wisdom, that watching a repeat on BBC2 of the 1960s Star Trek would in some way help. I’m not sure that it did particularly cure the headache, but I remember being captivated by the subtle message in the episode that racism is inherently destructive. (I discovered on repeat viewings that the episode features two men who are both black and white striped, though in different ways, and hate each other for it, and is consequently as subtle as a brick through the window, so the only conclusion I can draw is that I was exceptionally dense in Year 6.)
But anyway, what a demon my mother unleashed that day. It wasn’t long (about thirty minutes, I’d estimate) before I began to live, breathe and sleep Star Trek. I had every episode of the Original Series, the Next Generation and DS9 on video. (I didn’t have Voyager, but that’s because it was rubbish, and I could tell that even then.) I collected every Star Trek novel (if they can be dignified by calling them such) and took out a subscription to Star Trek Monthly magazine. I made a twat of myself by deliberately getting a Spock haircut, and I have distinct memories of standing in front of the mirror trying to see if my ears were even slightly pointed, which might mean that I was possibly a little bit Vulcan. I didn’t own a Star Trek uniform, but only because I couldn’t afford one after buying all the videos and books.
I like to think I’ve got over it a little now. I haven’t, obviously, but I try to make it a little less public – hence, the haircut at least has gone (as has most of my hair, regrettably). However, I still maintain that DS9 was a very good TV series, and most of it has aged pretty well. It was with DS9 in mind that I decided earlier this year to investigate Babylon 5, which was apparently pitched to Paramount in 1992 and rejected, as they were already planning to make DS9.
Well, imagine my surprise when I bought Series 1 of Babylon 5 on DVD from Amazon, and finding that the individual primarily responsible for it (J. Michael Straczynski) was also a frequent writer for He-Man! And imagine my further surprise when, on examining the list of writers for Series 1 of Babylon 5, I found that with only one exception, all 22 episodes were written by people who wrote for He-Man or Star Trek (and in one case, both). With glee, I realised that this series was going to be the closest I’d ever get to a He-Man-Star Trek crossover!
And, being frank, it is. But it’s not as good a thing as I was expecting. Now, I’ll be honest – I have only seen the first 4 episodes, and in total fairness, the first 4 episodes of DS9 were pretty poor as well (not as bad as the first 4 of the Next Generation though, and as for the first 4 of Voyager, well, God help us – stolen lungs indeed). But Babylon 5 has a remarkable tackiness about it. He-Man was obviously tacky, and that’s why we loved it. But imagine, if you will, putting a He-Man style tackiness onto DS9, and you essentially have Babylon 5. The dialogue is often cringey, and is bellowed by actors so bad they couldn’t have got a job on Neighbours.
I’m going to stick with it, because underneath all the tackiness there is – or possibly might be – a good story in the making. I’ve been assured it becomes quite gripping later on. And basically, I do still want my combination of He-Man and Star Trek. I’m just waiting for the episode where someone makes a sly in-joke about He-Man – it’s clearly going to happen, probably just with a passing mention of the planet Eternia or something.
So my conclusion is that this series is not terribly good, but I’m going to carry on watching it. Which says something about me, I’m sure. But I don’t want to know what.