- by Owen Morton
I don’t actually know why I’ve decided to write this article. It’s almost certainly going to end up being in rather bad taste, so anyone who’s easily offended (i.e. you, Seb) might as well stop reading now and go back to such safe and unworrying texts as … as whatever it is you read. I think I’m largely writing this because it’s quite an exciting title to have up there in red, and despite the fact that I probably can’t think of 101 things, fun or otherwise, to do with a corpse (in fact, I probably can’t think of even one), I’m going to carry on with the article, and I’ll do it in list format. But if at any point I get bored, I’ll stop, and perhaps finish the list as and when new ideas come to me. So I present 101 Fun Things To Do With A Corpse!
1. Eat it. This is a pleasure which is best savoured when in company, especially if you are aiming to shock. There is nothing that goes against standard social graces more than arriving at a dinner party, impeccably dressed, with a dead body slung over your shoulder, and stalking proudly into the house, taking your place at table, and refusing any dish which is offered to you, instead preferring to rip the flesh off your corpse with your teeth. On the other hand, if you would prefer to eat your corpse in private, then that is also very good fun.
2. Put it in a postbox. This is a particularly good trick to play if you want to scare your postman. It helps if you have the keys to the postbox in question, because that way you can insert the corpse and arrange it in the exact fashion that you wish the postman to find it in. On the other hand, if you don’t have the keys, it can be just as much fun, if not more, to chop the corpse up into little bits and post them into the postbox as if they were letters. This way your corpse will probably go undetected until it reaches the sorting office, so you will be denied the pleasure of seeing the expression on the postal workers’ faces when they discover the corpse. But I’m sure your imaginations are vivid enough for you to be able to conjure up such pictures in your own minds.
3. Play cribbage with it. You’ll probably win, and I happen to know there’s little more satisfying than winning a game of cribbage, even if your opponent is deceased.
4. Organise treasure hunts for like-minded friends. Invite them all round to your house for an afternoon, making sure before they arrive to have chopped up your corpse and secreted parts of it in cunning hiding places all through your house and garden (though if using the latter, be sure it’s not going to rain – nothing spoils searching for body parts more than having to do it in the pouring rain). If you want to offer a prize for the person who finds the most body parts, what better than the entire corpse? I’d advise you not to do this with friends who don’t share your interest in corpses, though, as some people have a tendency to get upset when you suggest you go on a treasure hunt for parts of dear old dead Uncle Rory.
5. If you have spent the early part of the afternoon in a treasure hunt for body parts, then what better way to spend the latter part than gluing the corpse back together again? If you’re feeling adventurous, you don’t necessarily have to put it back together in the standard fashion. Try different ways of fitting the body together. Seeing how many fingers you can get to come out of the mouth is always entertaining, for example. If you are being experimental, though, try to make it look neat. There’s nothing worse than a corpse that looks like it’s been put together by amateurs.
6. Dress your corpse in very smart clothes, put it on roller skates, tie a piece of string to its wrist and take it for a walk. If feeling chatty, approach people and say things like, “Keep it real,” or “Respect.” Most people will probably attempt to smile, mumble something incomprehensible, and leave as quickly as possible. Still, you may find someone willing to converse with you and your corpse. If so, under no circumstances should you stay and talk to them. They’re obviously deeply fucked up.
7. Give its hair a restyling. Even corpses like their hair to look nice.
8. Get a leading role in a play, learn all your lines, go to rehearsals and while there do everything the director tells you to. On the opening night, however, forget about all that rubbish, and instead drag your corpse onto stage and proceed to do a bad ventriloquist’s performance with it. See how many members of the audience you can offend, by having your corpse insult them at any given opportunity. When people from backstage appear to try to bring the play back onto its original path, insult them with the corpse as well. If forced to leave the stage, suddenly go limp and pretend you are a corpse too.
9. Stage mock fights in public places between you and your corpse. This is easier than you might think. All you need do is surreptitiously lean your corpse against a wall, then, after wandering off briefly, return and punch it very hard. If it is obeying all known physical principles, it should slump to the ground. Once it’s down there, you can leap on it and pummel it with all your might. Occasionally you might pretend the corpse has hit you back, but make sure you always have the upper hand. If it is discovered that you are fighting a corpse, it would be rather embarrassing if it were perceived that you were losing.
10. Go into a restaurant, and be seated with your corpse at a table for two. After the meal, get up and go, leaving the corpse there. See how long it takes for the restaurant staff to realise that the corpse is unlikely to pay the bill.
11. If your corpse is rotting slightly, go for a bungee jump with it. Chances are the bungee rope jerking when it reaches the bottom will cause the corpse’s feet to come off, ensuring hilarity when the remainder of the corpse hits the ground.
12. Start a television chat show called ‘Me And My Corpse’. Every week you and your corpse sit in a studio, talking to guests. Or rather, you talk. There could be a running joke about your corpse not being very chatty. If any of the guests inquire as to the necessity of your corpse’s presence, tell them that it’s because it’s more interesting than most of your guests, making it pointedly obvious that you are referring specifically to the guest who has had the temerity to ask this question.
Right, I think I’ve come up with about as many entertaining things to do with a corpse as I can for now. I was right, it was pretty tasteless, but I had fun writing it, and it didn’t actually involve bitching about something, for a change, so bonus there, I think.